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On defining myself and living in both worlds


ghosts

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It can get confusing when you identify as asexual, yet you engage in, and enjoy, sexual activity.

That’s my whole “dilemma,” I guess you could say. Let me try to explain a bit more.

I’ve identified as asexual for quite some time now. I never felt the alienation from my peers that some newcomers to AVEN, as well as some oldies, have expressed, but nevertheless, I knew I didn’t quite identify with sexuality. When I first came to AVEN, I had already had some sexual experience and felt really conflicted about whether or not I could truly identify as asexual. After all, I didn’t exactly hate having sex! And hey, I experienced arousal. I masturbated. How could I be asexual?

Yet, I stuck around because, while I couldn’t identify with everything that was being said, I definitely felt like this was the first place where I could find people who understood where I was coming from, people who spoke my language – because sex wasn’t a focus in their lives. Gradually, I began to identify as asexual.

Since then, I have become even more sexually active, and occasionally I feel these same doubts creeping around in the back of my head, sometimes exacerbated by the occasional “Oh, you’re not really asexual” comments I get on here from time to time. Is it really fair to everyone else that I continue to identify as asexual, when I clearly seem to differ from so many people here?

Sex is physically pleasurable to me – there’s no denying that. When it comes down to it, I’m a sensual person, and an orgasm does feel good. I have a very considerate, respectful and understanding partner right now who I really care for, which makes the experience that much better. It’s not just a physical thing, as many people here probably realize – there’s a lot of intimacy and emotions involved as well, which also makes for a cool experience.

It gets even more confusing because sometimes, I do find myself thinking, “Hmm… it might be nice to be doing that with him right now.” Is that sexual attraction? Or is that just a sex drive that I have? Is it only a connection I’m making in my head with a pleasurable activity to either arousal or a sex drive (after all, I’m not left feeling unsatisfied if I just decide to take care of business myself)? Those have been some of the thoughts that I’ve had, and it can get confusing.

Regardless, I know how I feel when I do have sex – that even though it’s quite enjoyable, it’s just not the same for me as it is for him. I don’t get into it quite like he does. It’s difficult to explain, really… Some friends of mine refer to a certain excited mindset a person gets into when having sex as “sex brain,” and based on my own experiences and observations, I don’t think I get like that. It’s never a strong urge or need for sex, as I know I can live without it and be happy.

So, what is my point in writing all this down for everyone to see? This isn’t my attempt at asking others to help me decide if I’m “really” asexual or not. I don’t need that. On the contrary – one of the best things that’s happened to me through my time on AVEN and my own experiences with sex is that I’ve realized I really am comfortable with how I feel. Putting the sticky & confusing subject of labels and identities aside for a moment, I know how I feel, and I’m fine with it. I know how I feel about sex; I know I can certainly live without it, but that I’m also fine with being in a sexual relationship.

And while I won’t say I have everything nailed down in my head & know exactly what I want at all times (does that ever really happen?), I am at a much better place than I was when I first started exploring my sexual identity. When you put the issues of labels back in, that’s where it can still get confusing, because I often feel like I’m not quite sexual, but perhaps not quite asexual either. However, when it comes down to it, that whole matter doesn’t seem as important, because I’m already comfortable with myself, and I refuse to feel like I need to box myself into a label and compromise my own thoughts and feelings, and consequently lie to myself about how I truly am, in order to appear less confusing to others & fit into a category that I can actually help define.

Through all of this, I’ve still concluded that calling myself “asexual” is what works for me - if that changes someday, then so be it. But I no longer feel those strong little subconscious urges in the back of my head telling me that I somehow need to rewrite my own history and feelings in order to fit into a particular category. How I define myself and how I feel is valid. I am asexual, and this is how I experience my asexuality. And now I ask all of you: how do you define your own asexuality?

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Hmmn, how do I define my asexuality...well first I have to say this is an excellent topic Ghosts, considering awhile back people discussing the increase of asexual-elitism and all. And I suppose the "exact" definition of asexuality is contested everywhere.

So how do I define mine? Well...I've never had a desire for sex. That in itself I think is enough for me to consider myself part of the asexual community, regardless of the criteria others might decide on. However I am a very romantic person, I believe in soulmates, I believe in unconditional love, and I believe that gender, (whether biological or chosen), should never matter when it comes to love. Personally I use the label of lesbian-romantic asexual, but I use labels only for convenience, I don't set a whole lot of store by them. From "lesbian-romantic" people can get that I would choose a relationship with a woman, and I would be happy in a romantic relationship. By "asexual" people can get that I don't want to have sex.

But there's a lot of things people wouldn't get from that definition that are equally as true. For example, I don't want sex. However if my partner truly wanted to, if it would make her happy, I would be willing to work out a compromise for her, as I believe all relationships involve compromising at times. So if I would be willing to have sex for her sake only...does that still make me asexual? In my mind, it does. Also, I can enjoy "sensual" moments. I actually do enjoy touch, though it depends on the person. Generally I dislike being held in one place or being touched, but with the right person, (my best friend or partner for example, someone I was extremely close to), I don't mind at all. In fact I would love it, to be able to cuddle up beside her, and feel her warmth and hair, and hold hands...which some people might interpret as leading to something sexual. But in my mind, touch is merely a display of affection, not a lead-on. I avoid touching people that I don't care about, because for me touch is something intimate for friends/family/partners only. But with my very close friends I love touch, though I interpret it as nothing sexual, and merely like to cuddle or hug them as a way of saying "I care about you."

So do I act like a sexual sometimes? Sure I do. And perhaps some people would look at my "label" and say I'm not fitting into it. But I don't care! It's MY label and I'll decide how I want to interpret it. I consider myself asexual because in my mind my actions aren't leading to anything sexual. And I think my interpretation of the action is the interpretation that actually matters. I don't feel the need to change anything I do to fit into a mold, that in fact is one of the reasons I love AVEN so much. Rarely does this website encourage molds. (In fact, almost never. Only a few posts I've seen over months of membership actually enforce the idea of acting a certain way to be a certain thing.) Thus I feel comfortable defining myself as asexual, right alongside other asexuals that despise sex or touch, and those that enjoy it.

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Is it really fair to everyone else that I continue to identify as asexual, when I clearly seem to differ from so many people here?

Yes. At least in my view. That's kind of what I like most about "us", that we all have such different experiences. I dunno, even if I find someone I want to have sex with someday, I'll still be asexual. I'm not sure how that works, but why not? Since coming out as asexual, I've been more honest with myself than I've ever been in my life. I'm in a harder place, but like you, Ghosts, I'm in a better place as well. Sexualities have always been confining. So while we're in the process of defining a new one, why not make it as flexible as possible?

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I feel pretty much exactly the same way as you, Ghosts! (as I'm sure you've realised by now.) Except minus the experience, though I'm sure it'll turn up some day... I'm even curious to find out what it's like. I don't want to live all my life without sex, although I reckon once my curiousity's been sated I'd be fine without it.

I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable about labelling myself asexual, but then I consider the alternatives - I definitely AM. But I'm also most of a normal sexual, except for that 'attraction' part. :?

I love labels, and it does frustrate me at how 'grey a' I am. But not boxes - I firmly believe in the post-it note form of label. Take it on and off, and some notes to it, wear more than one...

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Ghosts, you're awesome. You are so asexy. No matter what some people say :)

As how I define my own asexuality? I don't experience attraction to anybody. That's all it is to me, really. Sure there are other tacked-on annoyances involving sexuality, but yeah, the main thing is, I'm not attracted to people.

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Is it really fair to everyone else that I continue to identify as asexual, when I clearly seem to differ from so many people here?

Yes. Because blurring the lines makes everything more inclusive. If there were some concrete, perfectly clear line of who was asexual and who wasn't, people who have some sexual feelings but identify more as asexual would feel alienated from both sides, and people who identify better with sexuality but sometimes just don't feel/want to feel sexual would be alienated from both sides, and people who are confused would have less room to explore, and people would likely feel pressured to fit themselves into little boxes.

I like the fact that you can say that you can walk/talk/act like a sexual, but still consider yourself asexual because you just don't FEEL like the term sexual describes you (for whatever reason). And then Hallu or someone else can get on, who has very little sexual experience, and may possibly act more asexual than you do, but she feels the sexual identity fits her better - that's great. I love the overlap. Because it means everybody has a place where they can be welcome and listened to and understood.

I sometimes explain myself to sexuals by saying that if I had been born and raised on an island full of hot, sexy, Chippendale men of all types and personalities and...basically a buffet of sexually attractive men...who were all forbidden to initiate any sort of sexual act and could only respond if I initiated, it would never occur to me to have sex, or even to include the genital/breast area in my affections. I would probably figure out kissing, and that would be it. We would have some great pillow fights and wrestling parties, lots of cuddling and probably spend a lot of time naked together because I do get quite a thrill out of skin on skin contact, but nothing sexual. Because I do not have a natural drive in that direction.

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I idnetify as mostly non sexual asexual. I'm one of those *repulsed asexuals* I think. I think sex is disgusting and whatnot and I would never comrpomise for anyone. But I sometimes wonder if I'm asexual since I don't believe in orientations aren't a choice which to me, they are a choice..So maybe I just identify as extremely low sex drive not asexual. But there is no way I'd ever have sex with anybody no matter what gender. I don't think I would ever change my mind. So to make things easier in context I just call myself asexual confused romantic because I don't know if I can ever get attracted to another guy again..I wanted to try another relationship with a girl if I could, if not, this homo romantic stage I'm in I'll eventually grow out of anyway. So yeah..sorry to talk about my story. I just call myself asexual to make it easier in words

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ghosts, thanks for this post. there's a lto I can relate to.

As an asexual with a sex drive, who engages in personal sexual activity I sometimes feel out of place here. I don't find the concept of sex repulsive and I dare say I might enjoy it.

But I sitl say I'm asexual.

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.

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great post. i'm asexual, but i definitely feel as if i am quite different from the other asexuals here. i know that the basis of asexuality is not being attracted sexually to any sex, and i think that definitely applies to me. really, that's all that matters. i don't know why i expected to meet someone exactly like me here. we're a very diverse group. :)

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Hailtheplatypus

I dont think theres anything wrong with changing your perspective with time. I think like everything else, its a process of self discovery.

I think im asexual simply because I dont register sexual feeling for anyone...

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When I found AVEN I identified myself immediately as asexual, and I have not had second thoughts. But when I consider what we call our common denominator--no sexual attraction to other people--I see a touch of gray. I have had fleeting moments of sexual attraction, both during sex and in totally nonsexual situations. But I mean fleeting; it's as if those moments notice me noticing them and they're gone.

I have had sex many times, mostly with men. I have called this my "period of experimentation", but when I was in the midst of sex or a sexual prelude, I wasn't wearing a lab coat and taking notes. I was just hoping to find something that others seemed to have found without effort, and I was hoping to become closer to another person. I never found sex itself to be repulsive, and there were things about doing it with other people that were pleasurable, but never drivingly so. I never had an orgasm in another person's presence, nor ever really came close. But I could easily get "the big O" by masturbating whenever I felt the urge.

What I kept stumbling into again and again was the obstacle of another person's expectations to have sex with me a second time, or a third. I never wanted to repeat having sex with that person, though sometimes I did once or twice more. I didn't want to go out and have sex with a new person either.

I could say that I was neutral and uninterested in sex until I was pressured, at which point I became increasingly reluctant. That reluctance was not so much disgust as it was a mix of resentment and fear--fear of what? I'm still not sure. Fear of intimacy seems a good guess, but sex never brought me intimacy. Fear of increasing reluctance and fear of self-chastisement and fear of more stress and anxiety over someone else's expectations--this is closer to what it was really about.

Why was the first time better? It was not because I was sexually attracted; 99% of the time I was not (and the little attraction I felt made no difference). It was because I felt I had more power somehow; I had an equal share in the spontaneous decision to shed my clothes and be naked with someone who was emotionally or psychologically attractive to me. In the moment, it seemed almost "what comes natcherly". But the sex itself was always a disappointment--even when it was sortof good (had I been sexual I think it would have been great). And I never wanted a rerun of the same disappointment.

And that, in turn, doomed my relationship with that person, because of the pressure of their expectations and my impulse to run like a jackrabbit, leaving them no doubt hurt, confused, self-critical, and angry. There was no fix for it, because they had to have sex and I did not.

All of this was greatly complicated by having no sexual identity. I felt unique in the universe as a lot of new people at AVEN have communicated. That's not a horrible thing by itself; I have positive attributes which at times seem unique (or I'd like to think so :D ). What was horrific for me was the combo of feeling unique and continually hitting the wall of others' anger and frustration and pressure to give in, and my own repulsion at that.

AVEN has helped me give myself a sexual identity. I recognized it immediately on arrival and it fits like a comfy old coat that I have always had but forgot about. It's me. I'm not motivated to test it in sexual encounters, though; I think the time for that has passed. I can't be certain what my asexual identity would do for me in a sexual situation, but I truly think it would empower me. Whatever switch kept getting tripped by others' frustrated expectations would now be more in my grasp. With another grayish A I can imagine, as I have said in another post, taking the initiative in what Spinneret called "a level playing field". Speaking for myself, a big part of my trouble with sexuals has been trouble with power--not feeling I had power, feeling pressured to submit when submission was so unnatural to me.

I have no difficulty understanding you to be asexual, Ghosts, from everything you've said; it's sparkingly clear with a touch of gray. You don't get "sex brain" and I do not either. You're more of a 'tweener than I am, and your being in a caring relationship makes for wonderful opportunities to explore it.

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I don't think I experience my asexuality in the same way that anyone else does, just as I don't think everyone experiences hetero- or homo- or bisexuality in the same way. Everyone's individual experiences are going to be different, regardless of what orientation they identify with.

I'm asexual but I'm more indifferent to sex than disgusted by it. I enjoy plenty of movies/TV shows that have sex in them, I like some music with sex-related lyrics, I usually like dirty jokes, and I have a habit of reading erotic stories (although I generally skip the sex scenes in them, so they probably don't count). But at the same time, I think society is far too obsessed with sex, and I enjoy depictions of deep, emotional, non-sexual relationships in fiction and media a lot more than their sexual counterparts. Would I enjoy a lot of things a lot more if they weren't always ALL. ABOUT. SEX? Yes. But I know that society is consumed with it and that's not going to change anytime soon, so I just try not to dwell on it too much.

So am I "less" asexual than some other people here because I'm not disgusted by sex? I don't think so, but I guess it depends on the way you look at it. I know that I have absolutely no desire to do it with anyone, and so I call myself asexual. Even though there have been periods in the past where I've dated/been romantically attracted to only men, I've never called myself straight. It's hard to put into words, but it just doesn't feel right to me for some reason. Asexual just fits. :)

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That is such a tricky question to me. How do I define my asexuality? I don't really know. I'm still trying to figure things out. And I agree with you guys that one good thing about this site is the diversity. I havent been here for so long yet but from what I have already read, its a consense that asexuality have many forms.

I think labels are important for a first moment of fitting and thats what I'm looking for, I guess. Cause once we label ourselves - and notice I say we label and not get labeled - it gets easier to kick that same label and be who we are. Or at least I hope so.

Differently from many here I dont have any experience on that matter of sexuality. And what makes me so confuse is that I'm not completly repulsive to the idea, just imensely indifferent. And I have never felt like kissing any one - I will not even talk about sex, its too far from my own world right now. So I consider myself asexual. But just how asexual I have no idea.... ~.

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I would define myself as an affectionate asexual. I am an affectionate person, like to kiss & hug, but don't have any interest in sex. I would like romance, but that always seems to lead to the other person wanting sex. I don't get that part, never will. I have never felt desire, arousal yes, desire no. To me arousal is simply a physical reaction to stimulus, nothing more. There is no emotional connection for me. And I feel the entire spectrum of emotion, except for sexual desire. My ex thinks that with time my "problem can be fixed". I keep telling him I'm not broken.

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Hey guys! Thanks for all the responses so far. :D I've noticed that a number of people on AVEN can get confused about whether or not they should identify as asexual, so it's great to see such a variety of experiences in this thread.

Sorry for the quick responses, I'm going to attempt to address everyone that's posted.

So do I act like a sexual sometimes? Sure I do. And perhaps some people would look at my "label" and say I'm not fitting into it. But I don't care! It's MY label and I'll decide how I want to interpret it. I consider myself asexual because in my mind my actions aren't leading to anything sexual. And I think my interpretation of the action is the interpretation that actually matters. I don't feel the need to change anything I do to fit into a mold' date=' that in fact is one of the reasons I love AVEN so much. Rarely does this website encourage molds. (In fact, almost never. Only a few posts I've seen over months of membership actually enforce the idea of acting a certain way to be a certain thing.) Thus I feel comfortable defining myself as asexual, right alongside other asexuals that despise sex or touch, and those that enjoy it.[/quote']

Yes, definitely agree with you here. As for AVENites, no, most people aren't really strict about having to act a certain way and whatnot which is awesome - but, I do see a lot of confusion about labeling itself which is understandable. I just think people sometimes worry too much about how they should identify, I guess...

Sexualities have always been confining. So while we're in the process of defining a new one' date=' why not make it as flexible as possible?[/quote']

Agreed! I'm not sure how difficult that will be, but it's a nice goal.

I feel pretty much exactly the same way as you' date=' Ghosts! (as I'm sure you've realised by now.) Except minus the experience, though I'm sure it'll turn up some day... I'm even curious to find out what it's like. I don't want to live all my life without sex, although I reckon once my curiousity's been sated I'd be fine without it.

I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable about labelling myself asexual, but then I consider the alternatives - I definitely AM. But I'm also most of a normal sexual, except for that 'attraction' part. Confused

I love labels, and it does frustrate me at how 'grey a' I am. But not boxes - I firmly believe in the post-it note form of label. Take it on and off, and some notes to it, wear more than one...[/quote']

Always nice to see another person with similar feelings. ;) The post-it note form of a label is an interesting idea! I'll have to think about that...

Ghosts' date=' you're awesome. You are so asexy. No matter what some people say :)[/quote']

Aww, thanks! :D

Yes. Because blurring the lines makes everything more inclusive. If there were some concrete' date=' perfectly clear line of who was asexual and who wasn't, people who have some sexual feelings but identify more as asexual would feel alienated from both sides, and people who identify better with sexuality but sometimes just don't feel/want to feel sexual would be alienated from both sides, and people who are confused would have less room to explore, and people would likely feel pressured to fit themselves into little boxes.

I like the fact that you can say that you can walk/talk/act like a sexual, but still consider yourself asexual because you just don't FEEL like the term sexual describes you (for whatever reason). And then Hallu or someone else can get on, who has very little sexual experience, and may possibly act more asexual than you do, but she feels the sexual identity fits her better - that's great. I love the overlap. Because it means everybody has a place where they can be welcome and listened to and understood. [/quote']

That's a great way to look at things - I think the goal here should be to try and not alienate others, and I think AVEN has generally had that sort of atmosphere - welcoming and inclusive.

So yeah..sorry to talk about my story. I just call myself asexual to make it easier in words

No need to apologize! If people want to use their own stories to explain how they define/identify themselves' date=' that's cool with me. :)

ghosts, thanks for this post. there's a lto I can relate to.

As an asexual with a sex drive, who engages in personal sexual activity I sometimes feel out of place here. I don't find the concept of sex repulsive and I dare say I might enjoy it.

But I sitl say I'm asexual.

You're welcome! Sometimes I feel out of place here as well, especially when I'm posting a viewpoint that seems quite different from everyone else, but I guess it's good to see a variety of viewpoints on AVEN.

Ghosts? Living in both worlds? Hmmm' date=' I think we're onto something.[/quote']

Ah ha ha! Good catch - I didn't realize that when I thought of the title for this thread. ;) :P

great post. i'm asexual' date=' but i definitely feel as if i am quite different from the other asexuals here. i know that the basis of asexuality is not being attracted sexually to any sex, and i think that definitely applies to me. really, that's all that matters. i don't know why i expected to meet someone exactly like me here. we're a very diverse group. [/quote']

Indeed! We are quite a diverse group.

there's no need to be a "purist" to live up to the asexual term

Oh' date=' definitely - I think it's good not to have a sort of "purist" attitude.

I dont think theres anything wrong with changing your perspective with time. I think like everything else, its a process of self discovery.

Yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with changing your perspective either.

osito, thanks for sharing your own experiences - it was really interesting to read. What you said about power was really interesting to me - I don't quite relate to the feeling of submission that you've felt, but I have felt that there is some aspect of power in my own sexual experiences - and a good kind of power, if that makes sense. I guess it makes *me* feel good to be able to make my partner feel good, which I guess is a sort of positive power.

I have no difficulty understanding you to be asexual' date=' Ghosts, from everything you've said; it's sparkingly clear with a touch of gray. You don't get "sex brain" and I do not either. You're more of a 'tweener than I am, and your being in a caring relationship makes for wonderful opportunities to explore it.[/quote']

Yeah, I'm glad I have a good relationship in which to try things out. :)

So am I "less" asexual than some other people here because I'm not disgusted by sex? I don't think so' date=' but I guess it depends on the way you look at it. I know that I have absolutely no desire to do it with anyone, and so I call myself asexual. Even though there have been periods in the past where I've dated/been romantically attracted to only men, I've never called myself straight. It's hard to put into words, but it just doesn't feel right to me for some reason. Asexual just fits.[/quote']

No, I wouldn't think you're "less" asexual than anyone else - occasionally you see remarks around here about whether someone is more or less asexual than others, but I don't really agree with that way of thinking. But yeah - "asexual" fits for me, so that's why I currently identify this way.

I think labels are important for a first moment of fitting and thats what I'm looking for' date=' I guess. Cause once we label ourselves - and notice I say we label and not get labeled - it gets easier to kick that same label and be who we are. Or at least I hope so. [/quote']

Yeah, I know what you mean - it's much more important that *we* come to an identity/category/whatever that we're comfortable with, rather than letting others label *us*.

And SuzH, thanks for sharing! :)

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Thanks for posting that, ghosts. I think it really needed to be said. As you know, I experience these things much the same way you do...with the exception that I'm aromantic. I went through a period of questioning my own asexuality last year and have also become quite comfortable with the label.

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:applause applause applause: Thanks ghosts, I think the whole AVEN community can benefit from this post. I think we too easily throw up boundaries around asexuality to exclude others in defense to being excluded for so long in our own lives. It's important that we all understand that asexuals come in all shapes, sizes, and varieties. So yeah, thanks.

POSSIBLE TMI:

As for me, I can enjoy the act of sex to some extent, but it's nothing I ever desire or look forward to. I much prefer to engage in romantic intimate relationships that fulfill my soul. I fail to acheive orgasm, and I'm never horny. Generally, when I participate in sexual activity, it's for the benefit of my partner because of the love I feel for that person. I bounce between gray-a and a, but I'm generally comfortable just saying that I'm biromantic asexual and let folks assume what they want about me.

Anyway, thanks. Did I say that yet? Cause really, Thanks, ghosts. ;)

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It sounds to me like you're technically sexual, but you can take it or leave it and don't identify with sexual culture.

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Er... Well, I don't know how you can know if I'm "technically" sexual or asexual. That is something for me to decide - and I say that I am asexual.

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That was great, ghosts. Thank you bunches for writing it. :cake:!

I feel a lot the same. . .or, I think I do. I'm not really sure. . .we've talked about this some, but I'm at kind of a turning point where I've found someone and I'm experimenting with new things. In some senses it's underscored my asexuality, but I'm also finding new ways to express and enjoy intimacy in a more sexual manner. I'm also very sensual, and I completely relate to the way you describe feeling things differently from him but enjoying the experience. I think I may be in the position you're in soon enough.

So while it's confusing and I'm kind of rewriting the way I think of myself and my approach to love and relationships, it's also good because I'm as comfortable as ever in my asexual identity. Having that asexual identity is actually what's allowing me to explore intimacy while knowing that I don't feel quite the same things my partner's feeling, if that makes sense.

Of course this exploration hinges on the fact that the person I'm exploring all this with is well aware of, and completely understanding and supportive of, my identity as an asexual person.

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GirlInside - yes, I understand - I guess it just seemed a little strange since I said in my thread that I wasn't looking for anyone to tell me what I was, and that I decided I wanted to identify as asexual. But no worries.

spin - no problem! I can of course relate to what you're saying. Experimenting has really helped me understand more about myself and my feelings (and I'm not saying that *every* asexual should do the same).

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............

You know, I've actually wondered about very similar things frequently. I can imagine enjoying sex, and, in a lot of ways, I can have a sort of desire to be having sex with someone I care deeply about, even if it's mostly for the desire for physical closeness to them.

At the same time, though, curiously enough, I am only comfortable with sexuality if I identify as asexual. When people try to question my identity or whether or not I'm just hiding something, for some reason, I just shut down sexually if I start agreeing with them. If I try to identify as sexual, I feel definitely asexual (ie: I definitely don't want sex, or even relationships), but if I identify as asexual, I'm kinda in the grey zone.

I guess my point is this:

Sexuality has factors both of what we actually feel, and what we are comfortable identifying as. If I tell people I am asexual, then it's because, at the least, I want them to believe it, and, insofar as it concerns them, it is true. If identifying as sexual makes me feel unhappy and uncomfortable with sexuality, while I feel happier and more comfortable identifying as asexual, is it really more relevant that I might not be "technically" asexual?

So, since asexuality feels like a comfort zone to me, I define myself as being part of it. It's the way I want to be recognized by others, which is why I define myself as it.

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riteilu, that makes sense to me - thanks for sharing. It's more important to be comfortable with the label/identity you're using - if it helps you understand yourself and it makes sense to you, it sounds like a good reason to identify the way you do.

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ghosts - I think I'd be quite prepared to inhabit both worlds! Like you I had some sexual experience prior to coming here and physical enjoyment of it, and even a desire to repeat it, made me initially feel that I could not be asexual because I could not in all honesty say that I didn't like/want sex. But eventually I began to see that my tendancy to let years go by without actively seeking it out and not finding more than a handful of people attractive in that way was not really the norm.

For me the issue is that everything fluctuates. I go through periods of feeling sexual desire in a very physical way that leads me to thinking about having sex again. I sometimes find people attractive as potential partners but it doesn't last long enough to get to know them and become close. There are a few people I have found both attractive physically and who have sparked a desire in me to be sexually active. At that level I am sexual. But my experience has also shown me that I don't experience sex the way others do; I'm not very engaged in the act. POSSIBLE TMI - It's like the person stimulates me and gives me pleasure (or vice versa) but its not an intimate, emotional act.

I think that whilst my arousal patterns are probably much like any other woman's, my desire and drive are both low. Again, this would still put me in the sexual spectrum, albeit near the end. But many women have low sex drives (supposedly around 30% in the UK), yet they find plenty of men to date. I, on the other hand, find plenty of excuses not to date even though I'd like to marry and have children.

My plan is to make myself date more, because I think, or rather hope that, if I can overlook the lack of sexual attraction, I will find that intimacy builds and that changes the experience. Or at the very least, intimacy will make me find the person more attractive. And I think that if the opportunity to sleep with someone attractive comes up again in the meantime, even if I am not actually sexually attracted to them, I will take it, because more experience will help me to see where my limits lie and when I do meet someone who is potentially long-term, I want to be able to say for definite "this is how it is".

You know, when I was going through puberty, I never thought, as many people on AVEN seem to have done, that I was any different to anyone else. I had crushes, they involved arousal and desire. Looking back, I suppose they were more hormonally driven and were destined to fall away. Funny how things turn out.

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If I try to identify as sexual, I feel definitely asexual (ie: I definitely don't want sex, or even relationships), but if I identify as asexual, I'm kinda in the grey zone.

Oh definitely! I go through this brilliant line of thought: 'Well, maybe I'm not technically asexual? Oh no! Maybe I'm gay/straight/bi? What? Don't be so silly, I'm DEFINITELY none of them! Ha! ...so I must be asexual, because I've never been attracted to anyone? But sometimes I don't seem to be very typical...' and repeat.

It's very frustrating, and a habit I've broken for the most part. I'm infinitely more comfortable identifying as asexual (since I have absolutely no identification with anything else) so I should be happy with my little post-it note...

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Justplainryan

If you enjoy sexual activity but just don't want to have sex very often that isn't asexuality, that's HSDD (which to my knowledge is usually curable). Even if you're not asexual though that doesn't mean you're cast out of the community or anything, it just means you're not asexual. IMO at least its important for people to understand themselves truthfully, and trying to confine yourself to a preconceived notion of what you are is not the way to live life. If you want to have sex then do it. Don't let this feeling of needing to belong to a group get in the way. Live life how you want and sooner or later you'll find an identity.

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