Does being Asexual really mean a lonely life?

[Simplexity]

That's what I was told when I "came out" to my Dad earlier on. The circumstances that led to the "coming out" and the feelings accompanied with the whole thing don't really matter for now since they're muddled, complex and intense. And wouldn't like that to complicate the question to much :?)

Anyway, as you can already tell, I had a bad reaction, which is something I wasn't expecting (the extent to how bad it would be at least...). Naive in hindsight, but I've never understood the fuss over it all, I didn't even think there was a closet to come out of if you know what I mean?

I was prepared to answer any questions he had or put up with the usual assumptions I've been able dispel when I came out to them (which was pretty easy and smooth, hence my confidence that led to this) but instead, I got a really ignorant tirade about he would rather be dead than live without sex, how its strange, weird, and that if his relations ever knew they totally weirded out. He kept repeating it'll happen when I meet the right person.

I was half expecting all this but then he says that I'll end up a lonely person who will die without anyone to love, without children and I'll be unhappy. I felt that was a pretty low blow and it has shook me up a little and I feel its necessary I ask fellow members here whether you believe it is indeed the case that one will become what my Dad described. A lonely, childless and unfulfilled person?

[Hailtheplatypus]

He's wrong, its perfectly possible to live a happy life as an Asexual, just devote yourself to a dream and live trying to fulfil it, I believe this is the definition of a full life.

[Nick2]

There is a big difference between being alone and lonely.

[VicariousScot]

I am worried about being lonely too...

It's the one thing that bothers me about being asexual. I look around AVEN and see so many single (but happy) members but realise that I won't be happy until I have someone to love. Will it ever happen for me? I guess almost anyone could ask that question when they are low...but for an asexual it is a real possibility I find.

I look at the normal "routine" for getting a partner and sexual compatibility is so important it has me worried. Sure, there is a chance of me getting an asexual partner but with us making up 1% of society, the chances are so slim it's pretty damn depressing.

Maybe I should just go on some random dates and see what happens -- but truth be told, I am terrified of anything sexual being asked for, being done or just generally being hurt.

I do however believe you can fulfill the criteria for a full life if you have a dream and just work towards it -- irrespective of a family.

*sigh*

[Ryan Pawz]

Your going to make me cry.

This, "Sex" is the be all, end all thing is really frustrating. It is true that the act of mating, is what keeps the human race alive. For goodness sake, there aren't going to be any shortage of children any time soon!

A lot of people look at sexual relations as a form of expressing their love for another. Well, I'm assuming that since your here, and consider yourself to be "A", that you can think of so many better ways to show your love than sex.

Its not as if your love isn't out there, and I have come to think that the soul mate theory is a pipe dream, but there are so many people in this crazy place we like to call "Earth" that you can find another with similar enough sensibility's, that you can happily co exist with them for the rest of your days.

Just don't let yourself be defeated before you begin.

[ghosts]

That's horrible that he said that.

But to respond to your question - of course not. I'm asexual, I'm not lonely, I have a person to love (multiple people, actually), and I am most certainly not unhappy. Of course, I am childless, and I intend to remain that way, although other asexuals have expressed in interest in having children, while still others *have* children.

So basically, an asexual person is not destined to be come a lonely, childless and unfulfilled person.

[M51]

I was prepared to answer any questions he had or put up with the usual assumptions I've been able dispel when I came out to them (which was pretty easy and smooth, hence my confidence that led to this) but instead, I got a really ignorant tirade

So he didn't ask any questions? There is a very good chance he doesn't really understand what asexual means, then. Which may or may not matter to him. Maybe later when he is not so amped up about it you can explain. But if he is ignorant of what asexual really means, his opinion on the matter should not affect you as it would be an ignorant opinion. So...don't get down because someone who doesn't know what he is talking about says you will be unhappy.

about he would rather be dead than live without sex

he would rather be dead than live without sex

he would rather be dead than live without sex

he would rather be dead than live without sex

HE would rather be dead than live without sex

In other words, YOU can still be perfectly happy without it. He is projecting his own preferences on you. This has as much validity as if he insisted that you should love raspberry ice cream simply because he loves raspberry ice cream (or whatever). You are different people and therefore the things that make him happy do not have to be the same things that make you happy.

He kept repeating it'll happen when I meet the right person.

That's great. That's fantastic. But UNTIL you meet the right person you are asexual. People can speculate all they want about what might happen in the future. Right now you are asexual. The chance of meeting someone who turns you sexual in the future does not affect who you are right now.

And I wouldn't hold my breath waiting if I were you. Personal story: I have been so in love that the presence of my love made my heart race, my temperature skyrocket, my breath come short, my knees go weak, my vision tunnel until all I could see was him, and I craved his touch and his voice and his company....but I still didn't want to have sex with him. I did, because it made him happy and I lived to make him happy, but it was not something I did for myself, nor something I looked forward to. Had the guy gotten into a terrible accident and been incapable of sex, I would not have missed a thing. So I am confident that the "right" person will not make me sexual; rather, the "right" person means a person who is compatible with me because of/despite my asexuality.

but then he says that I'll end up a lonely person who will die without anyone to love, without children and I'll be unhappy.

I think the big problem here is that he probably doesn't realize that asexuals can still be romantic and have romantic desires. Or that even non-romantic asexuals can have fulfilling friendships and non-romantic relationships.

Asexuals can love (see above personal story). Asexuals can love fiercely. Romantic asexuals can love romantically, meaning we can feel every bit as strongly about a soulmate/life partner as a sexual, just minus the bumping and grinding part.

Asexuals can have children. Asexuals can even (gasp) have sex. We just don't desire it, and most of us do not consider it a fun recreation.

Asexuals can be happy alone. Asexuals can be happy with a partner. Asexuals can be happy.

So no.

I do not think you will end up lonely, childless, or unfulfilled. Unless you allow yourself to fall into such a self-defeating rut by listening to people who do not know what they are talking about.

[ExPostFacto]

There is a big difference between being alone and lonely.

Lonely is a predicament.

Alone is an aesthetic choice.

[Coleslaw]

M51, your post is beautiful. I second you entirely there, and I could not have said anything in better words.

[Simplexity]

I was prepared to answer any questions he had or put up with the usual assumptions I've been able dispel when I came out to them (which was pretty easy and smooth, hence my confidence that led to this) but instead, I got a really ignorant tirade

So he didn't ask any questions? There is a very good chance he doesn't really understand what asexual means, then. Which may or may not matter to him. Maybe later when he is not so amped up about it you can explain. But if he is ignorant of what asexual really means, his opinion on the matter should not affect you as it would be an ignorant opinion. So...don't get down because someone who doesn't know what he is talking about says you will be unhappy.

When I first said I was interested in the whole thing, he just started making statements rather than asking questions. All he kept repeating was "so you wouldn't be interested in sex if..." and the many different situations I may placed in to make me "want" sex. I did however, try to explain as best I could about how it is for me, and I'd like to think he came away from the conversation more aware and less ignorant of how I am. However, I think he was probably too surprised to actually listen to what I was explaining as I was constantly being asked the aforementioned question. I felt like showing him the AVEN site since that would be the best way to explain about it all but I don't think I'm quite ready to tell him that I have the term "Asexual" to define my sexual orientation, lesser so that I would be fine about falling in love with someone of the same gender (I'm Bi-romantic but he's already said that being gay would be 50 times worse...).

I wish what I'm telling you guys about what he said wasn't true, because I do respect my Dad and aside from the odd bicker about something trivial, we're ok.

I'm glad I asked this question to you guys as it pretty much confirms what I suspected: That one can leading a fulfilling life. M51, I feel you've put into words exactly how I feel about the whole thing so thank you for providing such an insightful answer to my question. Its appreciated.

And thanks to everyone else for providing their POV and support too. :)

[Shockwave]

I live alone but I'm not lonely. I have an active social life and don't spend a whole lot of time at home, but I actually like being able to come home and be alone for a while. Besides, I've got a my toys* to keep me company when I'm home.

*Movies, video games, etc.

[Næt.]

What's so wrong about being alone?

So what if I want to live in a cave and throw rocks at people who come too close?

Okay, so that last one was a joke, but the point still stands.

[Simplexity]

I'm scared stiff of the idea of being alone though. I love being surrounded by nice/interesting people, having friends and hopefully, one day meating the person I'll want to spend the rest of my life with.

Ultimately, I would like a family of my own one day. I know that for certain.

As for what's so wrong with being alone, well I'm not a person who prefers being alone as I tend to feel empty if I haven't got anyone to share my life with. At the same time, I also fear entering relationships because I know that somewhere down the line sex will enter the equation...

See, I'm fine about being Asexual and I wouldn't change that given the choice but the one fear/uncertainty I have about my future is that I'm going to be without someone I love and care for who can share my life and I can share theirs.

I hope I'm explaining myself ok here. :/

[mackat5]

I've lived alone for most of my adult life, and have mostly been alright. Being a depressive, I do have my moments when I want someone else uin my life, but not enough to marry some poor guy who wouldn't understand my feelings about not having sex. And I do have a very good suport group around Illinois when I get to feeling real bad. They know who I am and accept me that way.

edit:I do have my cats, and they help - a lot! :D

[Simplexity]

I've lived alone for most of my adult life, and have mostly been alright. Being a depressive, I do have my moments when I want someone else uin my life, but not enough to marry some poor guy who wouldn't understand my feelings about not having sex. And I do have a very good suport group around Illinois when I get to feeling real bad. They know who I am and accept me that way.

edit:I do have my cats, and they help - a lot! :D

I can totally imagine myself living in my own home where I have two or three dogs to keep me company. I would have to restrain myself from spoiling them too much though!

So have you ever thought of meeting with another Asexual instead? or is it really difficult? I'm still quite new to it all and I'm trying to get to know what it all means. My initial surprise is how integral people feel it is to a relationship...which I guess simply reinforces the fact I really am asexual in that I find it difficult to understand the fuss about it...

I wonder whether there's some kind of support group here in the UK? Its great that I'm already in the position to talk to you guys and be reassured about things I'm worried about.

[cijay]

That's what I was told when I "came out" to my Dad earlier on. The circumstances that led to the "coming out" and the feelings accompanied with the whole thing don't really matter for now since they're muddled, complex and intense. And wouldn't like that to complicate the question to much :?)

Anyway, as you can already tell, I had a bad reaction, which is something I wasn't expecting (the extent to how bad it would be at least...). Naive in hindsight, but I've never understood the fuss over it all, I didn't even think there was a closet to come out of if you know what I mean?

I was prepared to answer any questions he had or put up with the usual assumptions I've been able dispel when I came out to them (which was pretty easy and smooth, hence my confidence that led to this) but instead, I got a really ignorant tirade about he would rather be dead than live without sex, how its strange, weird, and that if his relations ever knew they totally weirded out. He kept repeating it'll happen when I meet the right person.

I was half expecting all this but then he says that I'll end up a lonely person who will die without anyone to love, without children and I'll be unhappy. I felt that was a pretty low blow and it has shook me up a little and I feel its necessary I ask fellow members here whether you believe it is indeed the case that one will become what my Dad described. A lonely, childless and unfulfilled person?

If you read the other posts on this board (not just this forum but all over) you will have your question answered.

Your dad is talking through is arse. He shouldn't profess to know things about something he hasn't a clue about.

[mackat5]

Simplicity;

I find that I'm a bit isolated here in Central IL. Most of the other A's live a distance from me, and with gas prices, I have to be careful of my budget. I do know of a couple in Champaign, and have met one of them, but he is younger than me.

I just got back from Chicago, spending time with one of my very good friends who knows about who I am, and accepts me as I am. With friends like this fellow, who doesn't try to talk me out of being asexual, I do quite well. And there are several friends who know and accept. Having said that, it would be nice to meet other A's. But I am not lonely, I have plenty of friends these days. It's just great to meet other people and make more friends.

[henrik]

he would rather be dead than live without sex

Sounds like your father has a pretty bad physical addiction going on there. You might want to consider an intervention since talks of suicide in the absence of something is always to be taken extremely seriously.

As for me, I have a couple of friends and relatives to keep any unwarranted loneliness away. When I'll move to a bigger house, I expect a couple of cats to follow me. The less there are children in a radius of 100 km's from me, the better. What makes me very happy that in my life, I can be in control of my priorities without the sex addiction. Becoming a factor. I can choose how I spend the time I save from the ridiculousness that the required dating and forming a relationship. In general I am a bit sad, though, but that is because I've had some rough times behind me, nothing of it relating to this 500 pound guerilla that's called sex and seems to be the only thing that everyone ought to be after.

I don't know your father, he might be a wonderful person for every other way, but it seems that when it comes to sex, he has clearly lost all perspective...

[Simplexity]

Thanks Macat5, I've been so happy since I began college in September because I've had lots of new friends to talk to and I never feel lonely now. In fact, I've felt totally fulfilled and can happily tell others I'm single and not looking - whereas my other friends are being a bit desperate about it all. I think in a way being Asexual means you don't feel there's as much to miss from being in a relationship because you can get so much out of a really close friendship and be totally 100% satisfied from that.

@Henrik: I read your comment and once I was able to speak to my Dad again I asked him whether he truly meant what he said. And at first he said yes but I then I asked about him about all the other joys the world has to offer (like the value of strong friendship us in this thread have already discussed) and whether he would really do something like commit suicide if he was never able to have sex again (which would be the logical conclusion when taking into account what he said) and he reconsidered and said of course not. So I told him that if he can see it from that angle and can realise that sex is not the be all and end all of life, that he is a lot closer to being more understanding of my own position. And he just smiled and said: It seems you and me are from different planets, but that's ok.

Its a huge relief for me because the conversation we had was a lot more open and much easier for me and it ended with my dad acknowledging obvious differences but saying that its ok.

So that's pretty cool. :)

[Guest]

.

[Shadow girl]

Hey I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm a lone wolf anyway if I am abandon by everyone then I will survive on my own.

All I will need is God

[Goonie]

nah it doesnt mean you have to be lonely

[retrophile]

De-lurking for a bit here, to say... good heavens no, being asexual doesn't mean being alone! I'm about to get married (as soon as we get the whole messy telling the parents bit out of the way). I won't go on a lame "there's someone for everyone" kick here because I don't know if that's true... all I will say is that your (a)sexuality is not your destiny any more than your gender or anything else is your destiny.

(I do, on the other hand, hope to end up childless...)

[............]

Being asexual doesn't imply being lonely, while being sexual implies the opposite. To be very pessimistic, in most couples, one dies before the other. The remaining one is likely to be lonely, whether sexual or asexual.

And, as others have said, it's perfectly possible to find someone who will fit for you. It might not happen for a while, and it never happens for some sexuals, either.

So, I would count on investing in close friendships, some of which might develop into "something more".

[Guest Heligan]

I dont want to go against the flow here, but I feel I have too....

I think asexual loneliness is age related, in a few ways. Biological and social.

It was VERY easy for me to be alone during my 20s. I was sexual then, but not obsessed, in fact still preferred alone to crummy relationship choices.

But by 30s the biological clock was really ticking and it became a source of anxiety...I dunno it seemed to shine a light on all those years ahead that would have no-one in them.

I suppose its because by 30s all your friends will have paired, off. And those once close friendship will be diluted with husbands and wives and children.

I think its about how personally your problems are taken on by your friends. Oddly they still seem to expect you to listen to theirs (because you have no other concerns right!).

You will see the signs though, for example that friend who you always buy xmas and birthday gifts for no matter how broke you are... well when she has a kid despite being quite well off... she is going to stop buying you gifts, but you still have to buy the kid presents. Because gifts are just for kids, now shes a parent. OK its a little thing, but its a sign of how things are going to be... you are out of the loop. Its natural. We are designed to see the family unit as the first concern.

So, I think the chances of lonliness are slighlty higher for asexuals. It doesnt mean you are definately going to be lonely, but its not an insane concern.

And isolation loneliness its not like divorce or death lonliness/grief that has this moment everyone can see, and you deal and it easies off slowly and you move on. Isolation loneliness is this gradual building up thing...that is unlikely to go away... unless you get lucky.

[Guest]

he says that I'll end up a lonely person who will die without anyone to love, without children and I'll be unhappy.

Hasn't your father heard of adoption?

Working in a daycare?

Devoting your life to children, in your career?

Many people I know who work with children, are extremely fulfilled, even though they may not have children themselves.

Hell, if you don't like children, having a pet is usually fulfilling enough for many, as well.

Lonely? What does being sexual, have to do with having friends?

I've seen *many* married couples, where both parties are extremely lonely. Being with someone, doesn't automatically keep you happy(You can't be happy with someone, until you learn to be happy on your own).

I can literally count on my fingers, the amount of married couples i've come across in my life, who were completely fulfilled, and happy.

You're the only person who can make and keep you happy, is basically the point i'm trying to make.

Personally, your dad sounds miserable to me. He probably is, by the sounds of it. Listen to his biased advice, and I guarentee you that you will be as well.

[inmyth]

I was half expecting all this but then he says that I'll end up a lonely person who will die without anyone to love, without children and I'll be unhappy. I felt that was a pretty low blow and it has shook me up a little and I feel its necessary I ask fellow members here whether you believe it is indeed the case that one will become what my Dad described. A lonely, childless and unfulfilled person?

I feel like that all the time. Like I will always be alone and die alone, unloved etc. and well, in a way that's true. Because in order to really love, I feel like I have to follow all these conventions set by society. And sex seems to be an integral part of being with someone. But recently I've fallen in love. A concept I had no belief in anymore than the idea that unicorns exist.

So I am in love and despite the fact that I can never give this person sexual satisfaction, or even if I could, I'd hate every moment of it and I'm sure that will kill the mood, the fact remains that I *can* love and be loved in return. I'm not going to be lonely all my life because I have wonderful friends and family. And sure my parents will get me arranged married over the phone with someone from Pakistan whom I've never met and doesn't speak English, but I won't be alone, right? As far as being childless goes - there are millions of orphans in this world and personally, I'd rather pick one or two of them and give them a home and a chance at a suitable life than bear any myself.

So your dad is right in a way but wrong in the sense that unless you inforce these conditions upon yourself, they will not come into fruition. You're not going to be alone if unless you turn into a hermit and live in a cave, just because you have an aversion to sex does not make you a loner or unlovable for goodness' sake. That's just ridiculous. He just needs to be educated more.

[RobinRoz]

He's wrong, its perfectly possible to live a happy life as an Asexual, just devote yourself to a dream and live trying to fulfil it, I believe this is the definition of a full life.

Absolutely! I totally agree with you and I couldn't have said it better myself. Non-sexual people can date, marry, etc. I know it may be tougher but I hope to do these someday. I DO NOT, however, want to get pregnant--that's out!

Even if I do not, I have good friends and good family and I now believe enough in myself that I'm not worried.

--Robin--

[RobinRoz]

I am worried about being lonely too...

.. but realise that I won't be happy until I have someone to love. Will it ever happen for me? I guess almost anyone could ask that question when they are low...but for an asexual it is a real possibility I find.

...with us making up 1% of society, the chances are so slim it's pretty damn depressing.

Maybe I should just go on some random dates and see what happens -- but truth be told, I am terrified of anything sexual being asked for, being done or just generally being hurt.

I do however believe you can fulfill the criteria for a full life if you have a dream and just work towards it -- irrespective of a family.

*sigh*

Okay my friend, I hate to sound like I'm preaching. But I have a saying and that is "If you don't accept yourself for who you are, no one else will." It's tough my friend, and I know it. I've told others that I spent the better part of a decade before I accepted my non-sexuality. The old song "You're Nobody Til Somebody Loves You" is utter bullshit! Happiness comes from within.

"Maybe I should just go on some random dates and see what happens -- but truth be told, I am terrified of anything sexual being asked for, being done or just generally being hurt. " That my friend is the worst thing you could do now. People can sense desparation. And I think your sentence about being terrified is the heart of the matter.

[tinkerboi]

I'm 39 and I actually that I enjoy being alone.

I used to think I was lonely and maybe I was when I was younger.