How asexuality has changed me

[Sam B.I.]

I had a conversation with my mom last night and I would like to hear what people think. Since I've learnt that I am asexual my approach to certain things have changed.

Before I knew what I was, all I could say was that I don't want to be part of the whole dating, marrying, making-babies game. My reaction to that was to refuse to dress up or look good. If I did spend more that a little time on appearance it was in order to look neat/presentable.

But ever since I've found out, I take a bit more care (I still refuse to be girly - if you come close to me with anything pink I'm gonna blat you!), I experiment with things (should have done that when I was 17, but hey) , I am more comfortable when someone is trying to pick me up and as a result I am more comfortable when I go out with friends. All in all, I have fewer reservations about things.

When my mom asked me about the change I theorised that it was because I was more comfortable now. Not only in my own body but also in an interpersonal kind of way. I know what I want from people, what they want from me and how much I'm willing to compromise. I don't have to reject everything anymore because now I can selectively reject.

Did that make sense?Does other people have similar experiences? Different experiences?

[osito]

It makes a lot of sense, Sam. Now you are dressing up for yourself and you know it; there's no questioning it or need for backlash against it. You own yourself now.

I wish I had known this stuff--or even half of it--when I was 18. I slowly figured it out while still feeling very alone (not knowing there were others like me), and eventually got better and better at being me.

Our own guilt and uncertainty makes us defensive. It's so good to grow past it.

[thylacine]

Probably you're just getting more mature, that's all...

When I was a kid, some girls started it with the makeup crap when they were like 12 for pete's sakes. Even as a kid, I figured 12 was completely inappropriate for makeup. I didn't buy lipstick until 17. I don't know what it is but the ones who start early with sex (the ones the mothers worry about so much, if yah know what I mean) start early with the makeup and short skirts. I didn't dress pretty until 17-18. I don't see pretty clothes or makeup or nice hair as a sexual thing, but a lot of people do. My thing is I'm working, I'm associating with clients & co-workers, so gotta look nice. Plus you gotta look nice even if you go to the grocery store, never know who you'll run into... you might meet the snob from work who brags about her new mink coat... so you wear your mink coat when you go to the store... Oh, Betty, how are you? Funny meeting you here!

[Freed_Spirit]

Hey Sam,

What you say makes perfect sense to me and mirrors my own experiences since finding AVEN too. I was always wary of trying to look "attractive" because I didn't know I had a valid boundary, just that deliberately drawing attention would result in misunderstandings and sadness. Now- Blimey! I've even got pink things! (for yoga and kayaking, but hey, pink! wow!). And like you, I just feel more comfortable about talking to people. You said it better:

I don't have to reject everything anymore because now I can selectively reject.

So thanks for posting and I'm glad you are in a good place.

[Lirelyn]

Yeah, I've started to notice a similar phenomenon. I cut my hair very short about a year ago, and part of that was a very conscious disowning of sexuality... I said a few times that I wished I could make my appearance totally androgynous, not because I'm uncomfortable in a female body, but because I was uncomfortable being seen as a sexual entity. My mom asked a few times (a little wistfully) if I was ever going to grow my hair out again, and my answer was always a pretty emphatic "no."

Since discovering AVEN, though, I've started to be more relaxed about how I present myself, and my reasons for wanting to keep my hair short have more to do with convenience and liking the way it looks than with trying to de-sexualize myself. I'm also much less afraid of being asked out or hit on. I think it's exactly what people above have said: I've started to own my sexual identity, and given myself permission to define it in my own terms, instead of feeling like I have to either buy into society's model or reject it.

Thanks, AVEN!

[RobinRoz]

Heh heh, girls!

There I disagree!

Robin is stylin' sometimes!

Robin likes to look good sometimes!

But Robin does it for Robin and no one else!

(Robin also likes her T-shirts, jeans, White Sox jersey and ball cap).

Seriously, I love to shop, wear cosmetics, wear nice clothes just like my sexual girlfriends do! But that works for me and everybody's different. And please understand that I'll never ridicule anyone who's choices are different than mine.

I don't wear things like belly shirts, thong panties, ultra-low rise jeans. I may like to look nice, but not like I'm for sale!

--Robin--

[jr1]

self realization is true liberty. When the weight of the world is off your shoulders you can reach the stars

[Sam B.I.]

Go AVEN! Lucky us. *hands out *

Robin, I'm glad to hear that you were comfortable with dressing up (or down) from the start.

Are there people out there who don't feel this way at all?

[RobinRoz]

I do it for me and nobody else! In the right context, I don't mind being told I look good (as a genuine compliment, not as a cat-call) or that an outfit I'm wearing looks good on me.

[cijay]

I had a conversation with my mom last night and I would like to hear what people think. Since I've learnt that I am asexual my approach to certain things have changed.

Before I knew what I was, all I could say was that I don't want to be part of the whole dating, marrying, making-babies game. My reaction to that was to refuse to dress up or look good. If I did spend more that a little time on appearance it was in order to look neat/presentable.

But ever since I've found out, I take a bit more care (I still refuse to be girly - if you come close to me with anything pink I'm gonna blat you!), I experiment with things (should have done that when I was 17, but hey) , I am more comfortable when someone is trying to pick me up and as a result I am more comfortable when I go out with friends. All in all, I have fewer reservations about things.

When my mom asked me about the change I theorised that it was because I was more comfortable now. Not only in my own body but also in an interpersonal kind of way. I know what I want from people, what they want from me and how much I'm willing to compromise. I don't have to reject everything anymore because now I can selectively reject.

Did that make sense?Does other people have similar experiences? Different experiences?

Could be that you just took another step in maturity but it could have something to do with accepting your asexuality. It's nice to be not hung up on something, isn't it? That's why when someone asks how I viewed it once I discovered that there were others, I can only say "liberating!"

[anann]

I feel the same way. I never stopped wearing t-shirts, and refuse to go near makeup. I am still uncomfortable with my body. But it is ok now. It used to bother me a lot and now it is just something I deal with.

AVEN has really changed my outlook on things.

[yay]

Well, I've always fixed myself up for ME but I didn't realize it until AVEN. Even if I did put more effort into looking good around guys, I didn't do it to get a boyfriend or to be a tease. I just did it because I liked the way it made me feel, it made me feel more confident and glamorous. Not that I needed make-up to feel this way, in fact sometimes I'd rather not have make-up on and go for the "all natural beauty" look.

Anyway, it's a compliment to me if a guy seems taken back by my appearance or is obviously interested in me. Even if I don't plan on flirting back, it's still nice to know someone thinks I'm attractive. Plus, it's always fun to look really good around snobs or enemies :)

[RobinRoz]

Hi again.

I want to apologize if I sounded like I was ridiculing the posters above. I wasn't trying to. I do realize that some have had different experiences than others.

Problem is, Robin's mouth moves faster than Robin's brain sometimes and the same is true when she posts!

--Robin--

[Retzub]

I always think of how i dress. I think its importat. It really affects the way people respond to you and what first impression they get.

I do like too look as good as possible, and I do it becourse It makes me feel better and more comfortable.

However, i understand why some asexual ppl may want so little attention as possible.

[spinneret]

Sam! Oh, Sam :D I've experienced almost exactly the same thing. I've grown a lot since discovering asexuality, since joining AVEN, and especially, most dramatically, in about the last year.

I'm comfortable talking about sex and sexuality. I'm comfortable talking about my asexuality with close friends, and getting comfortable bringing it up with other friends and in other contexts. I've accepted that I'm attractive, and I've started caring more about dressing well, being outgoing, being social and flirty, without being afraid of the attention I get.

And, most interestingly, getting comfortable with myself through asexuality has made it possible for me to start experimenting with relationships and even start thinking about sexual activities. I'm comfortable with being sexy, being wanted sexually, and--even though I still don't get the sexual attraction part--I'm comfortable with the idea of having sex, in the right situation with the right person.

Asexuality has freed me.

[Shortass Lady]

It's great you're becoming more comfortable with yourself. Hurrah for AVEN and hurrah for the phenomenon of gradually increasing maturity!

Personally I also was never interested in make-up and the rest of it, I missed a few stages that a lot of teenage girls go through. I don't see that as a good or bad thing, I just happened to remain uninterested in fashion and things, the same way I remained uninterested in sex. I like to make an effort sometimes, but I wouldn't dress up just for a walk to the shops, (I know of some people my age who do). On the whole though I have noticed that since joining AVEN I am much more comfortable with my asexuality.

[Nalle Neversure]

I used to hide behind baggy clothes I didn't even like. And hoped nobody would notice me.

I am much more comfortable with myself now. I don't mind people noticing me, actually I kind of like it. Makes me smile too when random people smile at me. :)

I am still quiet and shy when I meet new poeple, but it isn't as bad as before. I'm more open and smiley and happy now.

And finding my lovely girlfriend is the biggest one of those happy changed things! :D:D:D

Now I'm comfy with wearing pink, 'cause I happen to like it. (Sorry poeple :P) I like looking girly and cute sometimes. (I bet I'll be asked papers until I'm 50 :lol: I just look young.) But usually my favourite clothes are jeans and t-shirt or something similar, casual clothing that is okay for school and meeting friends.

I once managed to scare my friends when I dressed in all black and wore high heels and had my hair tied up. :P

And I like looking boyish too, at times (*has a bit of boyish figure*). Although I have looong hair and I like keeping it open so being boyish kind of doesn't work very well. :lol:

So mostly I mix everything and love it. I'm happy that way so why bother hide it?

[RobinRoz]

I agree, Laura Nalle-Vos

But I never did the baggy unattractive clothes bit. And nor have I ever tried to look boyish.

I do look great in my Chicago White Sox jersey and ball cap!

I will, however, never defile my body with memorabilia from that other basebal team in Chicago. And that team is

Completely

Useless

By

September

I may be confused about my sexuality, but at least I know which team to root for.

--Robin--

[Sam B.I.]

Well, it's good to know that asexuality is working for other people too.

Do you guys remember that moment after you've come to terms with your asexuality and asked "What now?"Well, me and my asexuality have some socialising to do. :twisted:

[Coleslaw]

I've always had bad taste in clothing... Still do. That probably won't change, as I still haven't found the determination in me to care about my clothes. Yet.

My body, however, I have become more concerned about. Before, I didn't like being noticed, and even though I was very active, I wasn't healthy. Since finding out about asexuality, I've been going on runs three times a week, at the bare minimum, and I've made more conscious choices about my food. I've found more of a drive to be physically fit.

[Parth]

Ha. That's funny. I got more confident in my LACK of wanting to look pretty. I never put that much attention into my appearance, but I was really self conscious about my looks and thought nobody would ever be interested in me.

And now, I've stopped caring so much how others view me, because I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin. Therefore I'm developing my own style from scratch. Which happens to be gender neutral. :D

[mindlife]

Before I could identify myself as asexual, I felt horrible in my body and out of touch with the rest of the world. I often wondered what was wrong with me. Why was I not comfortable when everyone else seemed fine?

Asexuality has given me a place to be. I'm not strange, sick, or a freak. And the moment I came to the site, read the FAQs, in there is something I'll never forget. I didn't cry over myself afterward.

It's about as significant as the day I started doing rehab for blindness, after about a generation plus of denial.

[noise]

I don't know what it is but the ones who start early with sex (the ones the mothers worry about so much, if yah know what I mean) start early with the makeup and short skirts.

not all of them. :) i was crazy in my middle school days, but i'm a virgin aromantic asexual today.

[Sam B.I.]

It sounds a bit like all of us are more comfortable with what we are but we express it differently. Cole is turning into a road-runner, Spin & I are getting in touch with our attractive sides and Parth is re-inventing style (Parth, how is your XY-ness influencing this?).

I won't forget the day I read the FAQ's either. I was excited, confused; I could barely sit still. Re-read them so many times.

OK, now here's another thing I wonder about. Do you believe people when they tell you that you look good/attractive? I have been told often enough to know that I must be moderately attractive but I can never quite believe it on any level other than an intellectual one.

And then there is the whole art of looking good. While other girls were busy learning what makes them look good I was busy climbing trees or reading books. Now that I look at all the stuff I feel just a tad lost.

[Charlieee]

Yeah, I definitely got that. :D

Before 7th grade, my circle of friends were the popular-ish girls, and I was like the "Karen" of the group. Because... I don't exactly fit in with the popular crowd. :lol: I'd try to dress up and be all pretty and wear makeup and stuff and... ultimately failed XD

Then in 7th grade, I met a whole new set of friends who sorta showed me that, y'know, it's okay to be really weird and do what you want and stuff. But I still felt kinda intimidated, like I had to fit in with a whole new set of friends, and I still worried a lot about what other people thought.

Since finding AVEN, though, I've realized... forget about other people. :lol: You can be obsessive about German musicals, or shop in the boy's section of the clothing store, or randomly wear Batman capes to school (hah, I do that XD ), and who cares what other people think?

AVEN's also showed me how to approach different ideas - I am a really gullible person. I'm the kid you'd tell "Gullible's written on the ceiling" and I'd look :lol: But now I...am not? :lol: I'm a lot more critical towards things that people tell me - not necessarily close-minded, no (if anything, I've grown more open) - just... I think things over a lot more before blindly accepting them, which makes it easier sometimes to deal with people who disagree with me on major topics (like my mom, for example).

Something like that. I'm tired. :lol:

Thank you AVEN!!! :D :D :D :cake:

[Shinnok]

AVEN's helped me out when I'm having a boring day and I come on here and go to the Just For FUn section and post like xrazy there. And whenever I'm having oreintation or gender issues I can post it here and people respond. I can talk about things here that I can't much anywhere else. I'm glad knowing also that there's a name for people who don't like sex, I didn't think such a thing as asexuality existed until I found this place.

[Parth]

Parth is re-inventing style (Parth, how is your XY-ness influencing this?).

Hmm, I'd say a whole lot. I think it's equal parts asexuality and equal parts intersex, both of which were things I discovered in the past 2 years, and both have allowed me to liberate myself from my insecurities. :D

[henrik]

I've found that more than me being aware of myself being asexual the fact if someone knows I am one changes my behaviour more. If I'm in the company of people who don't know I'm asexual, I never discuss anything sexual in nature, don't laugh at dirty jokes and especially don't tell them. I just disregard anything sexual in nature as a whole and hope that it'll never come up.

But if I'm in the company of someone who knows I am asexual, I feel free to stir the pot a little. Telling a dirty joke or making a mildly sexual gesture has a fantastic shock value if it's coming from me when it happens about once a year, only when the moment's just perfect.

Being aware and comfortable with asexuality frees you to brake the sexual stereotypes.

[Sam B.I.]

Being aware and comfortable with asexuality frees you to brake the sexual stereotypes.

Awesome quote!

both have allowed me to liberate myself from my insecurities. .

8)

[Freed_Spirit]

Awesome thread Sam! thanks for getting us started! I feel so proud to be amongst such strong, interesting people. :cake: :cake: for everyone!!