Jump to content

For asexuals who have had sex.


Kallan

Recommended Posts

I just thought It might be a good Idea to have a thread where asexuals who have had sex could discuss the emotional reactions it causes, and mabe unload some emotional baggage.

I'll start.

I've had several partners, a number of them I would describe as being Hypersexual. Some of them were at least able to compromise with my lack of sex drive even though they didn't understand it.

The sex issue endded up alienating me from my partners. What seemed the worst for me is that afterwards they would always describe a feeling of intimacy, that we had grown closer because of it. This drove me away because on the inside I felt the exact opposite. I felt that the act had pushed us apart and torn away at the love between us.

I've heard a lot of people talk about compromising with sexual lovers/spouses. I don't have trouble compromising in casual relationships. But I don't think that I could ever be married or have some other long term relationship with a sexual person. I think that either there would be no sex, and s/he would be left feeling unfullfilled, or we would have sex and I would be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi kallan, I can relate to a lot of what you've written here. I was in a five year relationship with a sexual which eventually ended very, very badly. I know for a while he tried his best to be patient, understanding, whatever. But eventually it turned out he was just waiting for me to change my mind and suddenly want to have sex with him. And since I thought that was what I was supposed to want too, I drove my self esteem into the pits every time I tried.

Maybe because of that, or maybe because I was never capable in the first place, I know I'll never be able to comprimise in a sexual relationship again. Each time I tried was like draining a piece of me, slowly, and the person I loved most in the world didn't notice it missing because he was basking in the 'new closeness and intimacy' that the sex gave him.

Anyway, I'm glad you started this thread. Even through I haven't been in a relationship for three years now, so much of what went on is still inside and I constantly worry what all of this means for any future relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites
...they just weren't with me...

I know the feeling. I've been listening to the new evanesence song over and over again. "...if you loved me. You would be heeerre with me..."

and all the references to sober make me think 'sober from sexual arousal'

Link to post
Share on other sites
WhosScruffyLookin
I just felt so used.

Yep. Nail meet head. This is what it felt like, like I was just a toy to be used for his/her pleasure. And no, I found no difference between the genders.

Although I do find 'foreplay' to be quite a bit of fun but I don't feel like I can get my physical affection need because to so many sexuals the kissing, hugging, cuddling, touching translates to 'I want sex' and I don't want sex, I just want some physical affection.

To me, engaging in sex after I was just happy with cuddling ruined it for me. I was happy, felt fulfilled and then it had to be ruined and then my partner would just fall asleep and I'd leave, feeling emptier than I did than when I came over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems to me that there is a trend starting to appear in these posts.

For a sexual, sex expresses intimacy, but, for an asexual, it compromises it.

That was certainly my experience as well.

-Greybird

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hm... I don't think I could say that sex compromises intimacy for me. I like all of the intimate stuff involved in sexual acts, and I can enjoy it because of that... I get a little bored during it, but still, the intimacy involved is good. Maybe if it was a constant thing it would start to get to be too much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've had only one sex partner, my husband. Like WhosScruffyLookin said, I enjoy foreplay type stuff, absolutly love massages, but sex afterwared ruins all the nice feelings from that.

Other than that sometimes sex is tolerable other times it seems horrible. I'm almost always bored during the act. I think the hardest part for me is before, when my husband asks. I know he can get sexually frustrated if he goes too long without, but I'm never 'in the mood' So I usually go through this debate everytime, 'Has it been too long that if I say no this time, frustrations will come up?' So sex ends up being a friction point in our relationship. Still trying to work through it. I did just get him to join AVEN. Now he can get other perspectives than mine on Asexuality.

Link to post
Share on other sites
For a sexual, sex expresses intimacy, but, for an asexual, it compromises it.

Yes! I love things eloquently put. That's it EXACTLY!

Ditto'd. A relationship is never the same after you start doing sexual stuff...

Link to post
Share on other sites

My current girlfriend (who is sexual) and I were each others firsts. She loved having sex, i was indifferent. Unlike many of the posts here, i didnt feel used/torn/etc, but at the same time, didnt feel any stronger feelings toward her. I just figuared it was a lack of experience and that over time it would fade so i could enjoy sex. After many different tries, i was still indifferent. I meantioned being asexual to my girlfriend, fearing the worst (aka her hating me) she took it completely in the opposite direction and started doing research into asexuality, part so she could understand what i was thinking, but mostly to help me. Shes also the one who introduced me to AVEN.

After coming out (for lack of a better phrase) to her, we have had sex on fewer occaisions, but we do still have sex because i know she likes it. She feels stronger towards me, and i still feel the same (madly in love), so having occaisional sex seems to be working for us.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've had only one sex partner, my husband. Like WhosScruffyLookin said, I enjoy foreplay type stuff, absolutly love massages, but sex afterwared ruins all the nice feelings from that.

Other than that sometimes sex is tolerable other times it seems horrible. I'm almost always bored during the act. I think the hardest part for me is before, when my husband asks. I know he can get sexually frustrated if he goes too long without, but I'm never 'in the mood' So I usually go through this debate everytime, 'Has it been too long that if I say no this time, frustrations will come up?'

This post pretty much sums up everything I was going to say, except my husband never asks for it (unless he is hinting around by giving me compliments about how attractive he thinks I am, but I am pretty sure he'd say those things anyhow). I think he doesn't want to put pressure on me, plus he is very shy and embarrassed to talk about sex in the first place. I am always checking the calendar, to see how long it's been since the last time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It seems to me that there is a trend starting to appear in these posts.

For a sexual, sex expresses intimacy, but, for an asexual, it compromises it.

That was certainly my experience as well.

-Greybird

totally agree. it also made me feel used and angry...at myself for allowing it and at my partner for wanting it from me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know he can get sexually frustrated if he goes too long without, but I'm never 'in the mood' So I usually go through this debate everytime, 'Has it been too long that if I say no this time, frustrations will come up?'

I ask myself, is it really a wife's responsibility to have sex, even when she doesn't want it? Apparently, it is very common for women to not want regular sex over time in a relationship. And it's very clear from research that typically a man's sex drive is stronger than a woman's. Do we go against what's right for us to do what's right for them? Some things you can compromise on, but subjecting yourself to sex when you don't want it is a scary (for me), demeaning, diminishing experience. If somebody wanted to torture me, that would be a very successful method.

I agree that sex for an asexual can feel more like a wedge between partners than a bonding experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't have a problem compromising about sex, for me it's pretty much like any other time you do something you don't like for your partner (certain reteraunts, DDR, movies I don't like).

Still in a long term relationship I'm a perfectionist and a hopeless romantic. So for that kind of a relationship I don't think I could compromise the way I do in more casual ones.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate to what has been said so far. I was in a relationship with a sexual person. At the time, I did not realize that I was asexual, I just thought that something was wrong with me. The sex left me feeling empty, and eventually led to the end of the relationship. I have been single since, and will not date another sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Seattleoutsider

I have been sexual or tried too. It literally bores and disgust me or I am totally indifferent to it all. On good day I can see sexual attraction towards me as personally flattering but inevitably it usually becomes way to stressful and makes me just really incredibly annoyed but I have usually found probably the most obnoxious people who wanted to be physical close to me.

Yet maybe they weren't obnoxious it was just I found them obnoxious because I wasn't enjoying the relationship.

No sexual partner that I ever been with has ever wonder if my needs were being unfullfilled, while I was overly concerned about their needs in spite of my own lack of sexual fullfillment.

I think now just like why should I bother pleasing someone else when they bore me silly and I find sex repulsive?

Link to post
Share on other sites
...On good day I can see sexual attraction towards me as personally flattering but inevitably it usually becomes way to stressful and makes me just really incredibly annoyed...

Same here!!!:roll:

I currently live with a group of people who hardly ever make a normal conversation, without sexual implications. I’m getting kind of sick of it all…

Before I realized I was most probably asexual, as many people here, I too thought that there was something very wrong me. I’ve tried having sex because I thought I should; I thought I would have to do it sooner or later. At first I was just kind of waiting for someone “special” to come along – yes, I’ve fallen in love a couple of times, but I’ve never felt sexually attracted to those persons (or any person…) – so I thought it would happen eventually. It didn’t.

So, I tried having sex without feeling any kind of urge or wish to do it, just because I thought it was definitely high time I did it. I’ve tried on several occasions – couldn’t do it. I get completely blocked – mentally and physically – and I just feel kind of repulsed by the act and (and I feel awful about this) that person there, who is doing something that I find disgusting (if I have to be involved in it – theoretically it’s all fine by me..) and thinks that I would enjoy it…

I really don’t know if I could compromise on this matter… I could on any other.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hm... I don't think I could say that sex compromises intimacy for me. I like all of the intimate stuff involved in sexual acts, and I can enjoy it because of that... I get a little bored during it, but still, the intimacy involved is good. Maybe if it was a constant thing it would start to get to be too much.

This is more how I've felt as well, though when I was trying to sustain a relationship it wasn't enough in the end and I haven't tried it at all recently. (And in my case, that really does only relate to women partners - I experimented a bit with men when I was 19, but that image of waking up with a penis in my back - er, no!)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oooh, someone who kinda feels like I do! :D

But yeah, I'm kinda feeling alone-ish here, since everyone else seem to be a whole bunch more bothered by sex than I am... Ah well, no worries! ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's possible that the reason having sex left me feeling so miserable was that I KNEW I was not getting the kind of respect and understanding about my lack of desire for it that I deserved.

What if I were in a relationship with someone who understood (or at a minimum respected ) my lack of desire? And the two of us had come to a mature, loving form of comprimise? Then it's possible I wouldn't feel drained, belittled, lonely, sad and etc...after sex with that person. Honestly, I don't see an opportunity to test this coming around...but nonetheless, it's an important distinction to make.

Because if I really ask myself the right questions, I find I am more indifferent to sex than anything else. Don't think about it. Don't need it. Don't understand it...all that becomes a negative experience when I allow myself to be comprimised, rather than work to find a mutual comprimise...

Anyway, I was just thinking about those things...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm, that's a good point fern. I don't enter into monogamous relationships, and I've never felt that I had to compromise (or that the sexual had to compromise). I could always have said "no" if I had wanted to, and it wouldn't have been a big thing for either of us- I'm sure the sexual could have felt a bit frustrated, but it's not like it was a situation for him that he'd never have sex again, or that I'd be his only partner with whom he has sex. I mean, that kind of situation pops up in sexual relationships anyway- one partner wants sex one night, but the other doesn't want to.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm feeling a little more hopeful now. Kind of makes me wonder how many 'negative' experiences in my life I give that much power to. When maybe a little perspective can shake the past off. Oh this is why I love AVEN so much... :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

:P I don't know why I didn't think about this, but I should have realized that sex for many people is generally done in a monogamous relationship- thus, a different level of priority for sex in that relationship than the ones that I've been in.

So yeah- different perspectives = helpful and good 8)

Link to post
Share on other sites
it literally bores and disgust me or I am totally indifferent to it all.

and

She loved having sex, i was indifferent.

and

I'm almost always bored during the act.

The thing that puzzles me, reading this thread (and others on Aven), is the experience of sex as boring. I understand revulsion, or fear, or disgust, but I don't really understand boring (or more specifically why something that is just boring is such a line-in-the-sand between sexuals and asexuals). I do many things with my wife that I find boring. I enjoy being with her though, so the boring-ness is diminished. If sex is just boring, it strikes me that there's room for compromise there. If it's also disgusting, okay fine, that puts it on a different level.

and

For a sexual, sex expresses intimacy, but, for an asexual, it compromises it.

Yes, absolutely. And I think that's where the fundamental mis-understandings come from in sex/asex relationships. A sexual feels lack of sex means a lack of intimacy. An asexual can't imagine why their partner wants to drive a wedge between them, just when they were beginning to feel close.

It's awful, and makes me feel hopeless. But it's good to understand what you're up against.

-Chiaroscuro

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, regarding the "boring" thing- occasional sex would be ok with me, I think, as mentioned in my posts. But I think if I had to do it on more of a regular basis, it would get to me... It's almost like, when I've done it, I can tell how much the other person was into it and I was not. I don't know if this is describing it very well, but it's almost like I was observing it as it happened, whereas the guy was totally in sex-brain mode. ;)

Now, the end result feels good (ie orgasm), and like I said, the intimacy that I felt during it was also good- the ability to be physically close to the person, stuff like that. But in the end, I'm just not into it like the sexual person is.

Maybe it's something other than just a feeling of boredom, then... I don't know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...