Why do asexuals wish to "come out" ?

[snow96]

But it's like anything that sets us apart, and we* want to be reassured that the people that really matter to us will accept us no matter what our preference for sex is. It's part of who we are and no one likes to be rejected, especially for something we can't change, and especially by those that are closest to us.

i think thats why most people feel the need to come out, for acceptance. I personally dont feel the need to come out. the only person who really has a right to know (other than myself, duh...) is my girlfriend.

[rising_above_h8]

I agree with how almost everyone else has responded.

I would also like to add that many people to whom I have "come out" have been accepting, but it seems like for every person I meet who is accepting, there is someone else who has some sort of objection or disbelief.

Just like I look back at the past and cannot imagine not being able to vote or go to college, in some future generation I want asexuals to look back at our time and have a hard time imagining what it is like for so many people not to accept asexuality as a legitimate orientation (as opposed to a disorder, a choice, repression, or what have you).

It matters not that we don't want sex, it does matter why, and many, many people do not understand or do not believe the reasons why.

[Steel]

So people will stop trying to hook me up with twits.

[midga59]

Personally, the more I know about my friends, the more I can converse with them. Since we're on the topic of sexual preference, it's nice to know your friends' preferences mainly because it makes talking with them even better. Like, I can go girl watching with my bi and lesbian friends, and I can hang out with my asexy girl friends without having that sexual tension there because I know I don't have a chance anyway :D

That and the topical diversity is great. You know who you can talk to about what. And that relates to more than just orientation.

Is letting people you're close to know necessary? No, I don't think so, but it's not a bad thing if they're accepting.

Also, the idea of letting people know they're not alone...that's probably the most important reason to bother. communal acceptance is so incredibly important, and so many of us forget this when it isn't a problem.

[downpour]

...

[mindlife]

But why do some asexuals wish to come out with that information to family and friends?

The reason asexuals wish to come out to family and friends is probably to put an end to the intense social pressure to partner. I'm sure a good number want to partner, but they wish to do so on their own terms. That means communication.

I also think they are trying to gain some support for themselves as people. I never feel very comfortable on a course of action unless I feel I am supported by my family.

[Rix]

I came out to my friends as being asexual because they annoyingly tried to set me with people, plus i didn't feel confortable when they constantly made it seem that sex was a majorly important thing and as though i were missing out. As for my parents i plan on coming out to them as asexual because i'm fairly certain they think i'm gay, and want to put their mind at ease (their thinking not mine 'he may be abnormal but at least he's not gay')

Rix

[Ineptitude]

At first, I told people because I needed it to be more "real" than something I thought to myself or something I read on a website. Nowadays, I tell people just to explain a bit more about me or else raise awareness. To the general public that would think it's too much information, I just say, "never assume." It ticks me off when people assume I'm straight and horny.

[Mistah J]

It's nobody's business I'm asexual! I don't want to come out to nobody! :D

But just think 95% of the media has sex as a main subject (doesn't matter what form of sex is, the important iritating part is that it's sex). How do you think asexuals feel about that?! Damn it! :teamo:

[EGAD!]

But why do some asexuals wish to come out with that information to family and friends?

Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Why is that people decide to fess up about something they have been hiding/concealing/or other wise are agraid to talk about. Supposing I had cheated on a partner I might feel really guilty and feel that I betrayed their trust in me so I would come out because I don't want to feel guilty and ashamed any more and because most likely caring around such a burden would affect our relationship.

In other cases like in the instance of an ugly rumor going around the school about something we did that wasn't completely true we would most likely feel compelled to set the record straight.

In other scenarios we might bring up this sort of private information about ourselves because in order for someone to understand us this is something they might need to know. When talking to a doctor mentioning information about our medical history is important. If we are going through a difficult time and turn to our friends for help then they would need to be informed about the exact circumstances surrounding the problem.

I could probably bring up several other points but I think you get the idea aside from the fact I need to get some sleep.

[Hpets]

I have only just recently (i.e. three days ago) discovered the existance of asexuality, and even more recently (i.e. yesterday) truly accepted the fact that I am asexual, and I'm already bursting with the desire to "come out."

For starters, if I had known about asexuality sooner I wouldn't be in the awkward situation that I'm currently in with my boyfriend (my reasons for beginning to date him pretty much all have to do with a desire to follow the social norm). In the past few days I've learned so much about myself, namely that I'm not alone. As such, I already feel very strongly about spreading awareness about asexuality.

Another reason is the fact that I feel somewhat left out when my friends discuss sex and I'm forced to stay silent or pretend that I feel the same way that they do. The closest that I've ever come to expressing my true sexual feelings is when we discussed masterbation and I stated (to the confusion of some) that I've never done it successfully. I have no problem with such discussions, but I'd love to be an actual part of the conversation, with my friends understanding where I'm coming from.

I guess what it really comes down to is that I want all my close friends and family to understand and accept asexuality. I want to be able to say what I feel without getting strange or confused looks. I've just discovered a new word to describe myself, and I wish to use it!

[Xocist]

Because according to statistics I just made up 95% of sexuals think it's a big deal. Also it would stop having to explain it later, knowing your friends and family accept it and it would be good for the asexual community. Probably the reason some people don't understand why people come out as being Asexual, is because they don't think it's a big deal, which in some ways is a good thing, well much better than "What u dont wana av sex, u freeq!!! roflamaqo" :?

[Chiaroscuro]

This is an interesting discussion. I'm sexual, but I have a feeling that it's important that more people know that asexuality exists. Part of it is that it's crazy knowing that there are people struggling, desperate, miserable, and they don't know why. Simply in the interest of knowing what's real... to get at the root of why I'm fighting with my spouse... to understand what's about rejection (No sex tonight, mister!), and what's about sexual orientation (No sex tonight, mister!). The same "punishment" of no sex, but happening for totally different reasons. Not to mention all of the emotional reasons why people don't want to feel ashamed of who and what they are.

I've found Aven to have been incredibly useful in relating to my asexual wife. Understanding is the bedrock of everything. You find yourself fighting phantoms otherwise.

-Chiaroscuro

[Mr. Ten Below]

Sometimes it has come up in conversation and I didn't feel the need to lie about it. Once I came out in order to support a friend who was coming out and was terrified. The only time I've actually planned it was with my sister, and I think I did that because I felt like I was hiding a big part of myself and I didn't want to anymore.

[Hpets]

Yeah, it's really tough not to tell people sometimes... There's been a lot of relationship discussion lately among my group of friends, and it's been fairly awkward for me. I haven't yet talked to my boyfriend or my family about my asexuality (I have no prior experience with that sort of confrontation, so I really don't know when and where to start), and I can't tell my friends until I do... Fortunately no one's really asked me plainly "How's the boyfriend?", so I've been able to more or less avoid talking about my relationship. I have planned an answer for that eventuality, though: namely just something along the lines of "I'm figuring some personal things out, so right now I'm not really comfortable talking about that."

[the.bree]

Like some others have said, when it comes up in conversation, I don't want to lie.

The last person I told WAS a semi-good friend... I didn't intend to tell her. She knew me before I was with my current SO, and because I didn't morph into a sexual being, she fiercely asserted that I didn't love him, and that I just have to find someone who will "f*ck me right." So I pulled the A-card, and tried to explain, but she insisted I just needed a goof f*ck, thats all.

I havent spoken to her since. I hope my next honest experience is more positive than this.

[thylacine]

I'm afraid to tell my friends, maybe they won't understand... ? Maybe they won't like me anymore? A lot of people only like people who are the same as themselves... ?

And secondly... I think that people who tell other people they need a good f--- are really crude.

[Sam B.I.]

It is a part of who I am. It influences the way I deal with people. By me being what I am, others can see themselves better for the contrast. By their question to me, I learn more about myself. I want to refer to it in conversations.

I had the most fantastic verbal dart game with a homosexual friend. Went like this:

"Nun"

"Slut"

"Frigid!"

"Sex crazed monkey!"

This kept going until we were choking on our drinks from laughing too much. Rather banal and vulgar, I apologise, but we enjoyed it.

[Hpets]

It is a part of who I am. It influences the way I deal with people. By me being what I am, others can see themselves better for the contrast. By their question to me, I learn more about myself. I want to refer to it in conversations.

I had the most fantastic verbal dart game with a homosexual friend. Went like this:

"Nun"

"Slut"

"Frigid!"

"Sex crazed monkey!"

This kept going until we were choking on our drinks from laughing too much. Rather banal and vulgar, I apologise, but we enjoyed it.

Man, I'd love to try that with my three best friends! Together we're all four orientations, so it'd probably be very amusing!

[Sam B.I.]

Do it! Do it! And you have to start a thread to tell us all about it.

[Guest]

I can only speak for myself, but as an asexual, i've never thought of coming out to friends or family. At work? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't even tell a co-worker my birth date.

I have enough peace of mind with the simple fact that I now know my "dissorder" that I thought I had, is perfectly normal and that no, I am not in grave need of medical help. I'm not broken, after all.

Thats more than enough for me!

[thylacine]

You are right not to tell co-workers anything. The workplace is dog-eat-dog and filled with back stabbers who will use any bit of personal information to ruin another person. I learned that the hard way.

[Hpets]

You are right not to tell co-workers anything. The workplace is dog-eat-dog and filled with back stabbers who will use any bit of personal information to ruin another person. I learned that the hard way.

Goodness, there's a bleak outlook! Do you work an office job of some sort? You sound like you don't much enjoy your work.

[Guest]

Goodness, there's a bleak outlook! Do you work an office job of some sort? You sound like you don't much enjoy your work.

Dr. Phil, is that you? *scratches head*

I have this problem in that I never can finish my senten.....

Waaaait a minute, you're not Dr. Ph.....

Seriously though, anyone with half a brain, will abstain with divulging any information that is very personal in the workplace. Especially if you work in a very competitive setting, or in an office(I.e, keep your issues/personal problems, to yourself). Like police officers reading you your rights, anything you say can and will be used against you.

Rumors tend to spread faster than the flu virus, and if you wanted something to stay personal, then you're best in keeping it to yourself, and to share anything else.

It's the standard in any professional workplace.

[thylacine]

Krazed Kourse is right. Here's a good survival tip... Never tell co-workers anything personal -- anything at all! Really. I learned that the hard way. Just be mysterious.... "How come you're not married?" "How come you don't have no boyfriend?" Blah-blah-blah... You can get this dark look on your face, "I don't think you really want to know."

[Mark from the OCD board]

What a great thread!

I agree with Chiaroscuro: The most important reason for asexuals to come out is so other asexuals who don't yet understand themselves can start their own healing process and realize that they are not "broken" or in need of medical or psychiatric care. To steal a phrase I learned on this board, asexuality is "a way of being," nothing more and nothing less. It is also necessary for you to be out and for others to be out if you are an asexual in search of an asexual relationship.

That's what being gay is about too, and that's why the gay community is so vocal.

Why should so many relationships fail and so many people be unhappy because they try to force themselves to be sexual or heterosexual or whatever instead of going with what their instincts and heart tell them? Come out whenever you can and whenever it is safe to do so!

As a homosexual sexual, I always have an emotional reaction to the words "come out." I have been moved by many things I have read on this board, and I am angry that so many asexual people have to live in denial and fear--something we gays know only too well. Why should society expect everyone to be "normal" (not that such a thing exists) per some pie-in-the-sky model of everone supposedly strives to be?

Speaking only for myself, I feel that any relationship with a person who does not know I am gay is incomplete--and rather forced. Yes, there are people I don't tell since they would not understand, and I can never allow them into my life unless, of course, circumstances dictate a surface-level relationship. I have plenty of friends who are not gay, and I feel good about being with them even if we almost never talk about it. They know. Period. I can be me, and I know that I am loved and appreciated as myself, as I am. Isn't that how asexuals ought to be loved and appreciated by others? To me, there is no reason to question why asexuals come out.

Now, on another matter...

One interesting tidbit in contrast to others who have to keep their lips sealed at work...

The university where I taught from 1994 to 2004 was quite homophobic, and I had to be careful about who knew. Since I pass for straight, I was never in much danger, but some gay students were harassed right on campus. Horrible!

But... At the university where I have been teaching for the past two years, on the other hand, being gay can only help me, as half the professors in my department are lesbian and gay and the university itself is known as a safe place for LGBT students. Homophobia (which does sometimes show its head) is not tolerated, and many heterosexual students and professors are LGBT allies.

As hypocritical as the situation is, I have been advised by some colleagues (some of them heterosexual) to play up being gay when I am looking for advancement. After being put down for years and even losing a job long ago (before I was even out) because my boss felt that my not having or wanting a girlfriend was weird (no kidding!), now I get preferential treatment. :)

Thank you Saints Sergius and Bacchus, patron saints of same-sex relationships!

As I mentioned in another thread, I have also started to think of ways to mention asexuality in my classes for the same reason I mention homosexuality in them. Students need to know that asexuality exists (as many of them do not even if they are asexual) and that it is as "normal" (that word again) as anything else.

[thylacine]

Yes... you are correct. Students need to know more about asexuality.

By the way... are there any patron saints of asexuality... ? Besides the Goddess Vesta? Comments, anyone?

[Hpets]

Goodness, there's a bleak outlook! Do you work an office job of some sort? You sound like you don't much enjoy your work.

Dr. Phil, is that you? *scratches head*

I have this problem in that I never can finish my senten.....

Waaaait a minute, you're not Dr. Ph.....

Seriously though, anyone with half a brain, will abstain with divulging any information that is very personal in the workplace. Especially if you work in a very competitive setting, or in an office(I.e, keep your issues/personal problems, to yourself). Like police officers reading you your rights, anything you say can and will be used against you.

Rumors tend to spread faster than the flu virus, and if you wanted something to stay personal, then you're best in keeping it to yourself, and to share anything else.

It's the standard in any professional workplace.

I'm sorry. I hadn't meant to sound so... analyzy. :) What I meant to say is that I don't agree that all workplaces are "dog-eat-dog and filled with back stabbers who will use any bit of personal information to ruin another person." I can completely understand that some workplaces are this way, and in some cases staying quiet is the best option, but you don't fight prejudice by hiding your queerities (I'm pretty sure that's not a word but you know what I mean). I personally have no plans to come out to anyone at my work, but I intend to be quite open about my asexuality, and if a coworker hears about it through a friend of a friend or something, I won't deny it. I want asexuality to be accepted in my community, and the first step to acceptance is knowing that it exists.

[eleveneleven]

For me the only reason would be that I suddenly feel like I have that explaination that i'd been looking for. And I know that people have wondered, I rarely date, I'm very shy about my relationship when I am dating someone, so having found this site a week ago makes me want to run to all the closest people in my life yelling "I found the answer!!!"

That being said I know I need time to digest the revelation myself so I've refrained from telling people as much as possible (mentioned it to two people but then backed out and acted like I was joking).

[Mikusagi]

Heterosexuality is the norm. If I don't tell people I'm asexual, they will all talk with me as if I am heterosexual. Because, as you might have noticed, alot of heterosexuals needs to talk about who's attracted to whom, and who had sex and why and blah blah.