a thread about kissing (and reluctance to do it)

[mala]

I tried to search for a topic like this, but couldn't find anything. But I feel like I must not have looked deeply enough, because surely someone else here feels the way I do.

I've figured out, over the course of a few years, that I'm not asexual, but I'm also not all that sexual, either. There are things I'd like to do, and others I don't think I would ever do. One thing that lies somewhere in between is kissing/kissing of the French variety.

To me, kissing is very intrusive. The idea of exchanging saliva is mostly gross, though less so if we're not talking about a complete stranger (which would be out of the question). Thing is, most people seem to think that kissing is the first thing you do after hugging--before fondling, caressing, taking any clothes off, etc. Yet, to me, many of those things that society thinks follow kissing are more palatable and ask much less of me. For example, I was ready to take my shirt off for my girlfriend and let her touch my breasts as soon as we became comfortable with each other in general, but kissing seemed (and still seems) like too much, for the most part.

Second to penetration (something I have no plans of ever doing), kissing seems like the most invasive thing to me. Does anyone else feel this way? It's one of the reasons I've avoided relationships--I figured I couldn't do much of anything if I could barely handle that normally-eagerly-anticipated "first kiss." Now I realize that there are other things I can do, but the kissing overwhelms me (not in a good way). Has anyone else felt this way and gradually gotten past it? Or not? Thanks in advance for sharing your views/experiences.

[mala]

Thanks for the response, Heather. And I'm with you--I'd much rather be hugging or cuddling.

[SkywalkerLion]

Personally, I don't see kissing as gross or anything, as long as said people haven't done anything with their excessive saliva (gross, mirite?) in the past few minutes. Cause normally I doubt someone's mouth would be that incredibly wet and disgusting. I think it's kinda romantic. Hugs are great as well, ofcourse.

[Dara_Effe']

Back before I knew I was asexual, I would have year long sexual relationships with a person and kissing would be completely forbidden by me. There are some people that I'm okay to kiss in the French way and there are some that I'm not okay with. There are some people where saliva just seems to run full force out of their mouths and I just can't stand it. And then there are those that are dry as the desert and I'm fine with them, for the most part. I'm very picky with whom I allow to kiss me and with whom I won't.

Also, the hierarchy that you mentioned, regarding whether a kiss comes before taking the shirt off, I've noticed that I am more willing to do some things in alternative order as well. You are not alone. Kissing is very much like penetration and it is something that I don't take very lightly. I am the same way when someone is trying to stick their tongue in my ear as well. These orifices are mine and I will dictate whether they will be penetrated or not. A person truly is violating me if I am not okay with them putting their body parts into my body parts. I'd feel the same if they were trying to stick their fingers, toes or nose in my mouth or ear as well.

[Dreamcatcher]

I'm another who doesn't like kissing. Don't think I ever enjoyed it from the kiss in school to growing up to adulthood. Always made me feel slightly ill.

However, I do love physical contact like hugging and such, and can tolerate being touched sexually (I've found it does nothing to me, but I have no issue if a guy wants to feel). I just lack the impulse to want to take it further than that.

[sunny_girl]

Good heavens.

Well, I'll throw my two cents in.

I don't mind chaste kisses, I think those are cute and lovely. But kissing with tongue is just ew. And when you get past the ew, it's just boring. People think kissing should go on for absolutely ages! I used to be so bored when kissing my ex. She'd kiss me for ages, and then pull back and I'd think it was over, and then she'd come at me again... urgh. ._.; What's wrong with a kiss that only lasts a few seconds?

...my ex also thought kissing me with cream in her mouth would get me going.

I've never felt more sick in my entire life. D':

[Dara_Effe']

Good heavens.

Well, I'll throw my two cents in.

I don't mind chaste kisses, I think those are cute and lovely. But kissing with tongue is just ew. And when you get past the ew, it's just boring. People think kissing should go on for absolutely ages! I used to be so bored when kissing my ex. She'd kiss me for ages, and then pull back and I'd think it was over, and then she'd come at me again... urgh. ._.; What's wrong with a kiss that only lasts a few seconds?

...my ex also thought kissing me with cream in her mouth would get me going.

I've never felt more sick in my entire life. D':

Wow, I truly feel for you. That does sound "ew". By the way, what is cream? Please tell me it's some sort of food stuff.

[mala]

I really relate to what y'all are saying...and yes, it is the French kissing particularly. I imagine that if it got us going, we would feel very differently, but I honestly can't imagine being turned on by that. *shrugs*

[f1r3wire]

I quite like short innocent kisses, just pecks on the cheek, mostly as greeting or parting along with a hug, if that makes sense. But I'm really repulsed by the idea of long passionate kissing or French kissing, they're just really no, it gives me shudders just thinking about it.

[Whynotbeme2]

I adore snuggling or cuddling, but kissing has never had an appeal. I've like, kissed on the forehead or hand before, as a symbol of affection; and as such, I have no problem with kisses. I don't really... "get" the appeal of kissing for kissing's sake though.

[sunny_girl]

Wow, I truly feel for you. That does sound "ew". By the way, what is cream? Please tell me it's some sort of food stuff.

Yeees. It was whipped cream from a spray can. Never. Again. It's kind of put me off the stuff. Whipped Cream + Another Person's Saliva is not something I want in my mouth.

[Dara_Effe']

Wow, I truly feel for you. That does sound "ew". By the way, what is cream? Please tell me it's some sort of food stuff.

Yeees. It was whipped cream from a spray can. Never. Again. It's kind of put me off the stuff. Whipped Cream + Another Person's Saliva is not something I want in my mouth.

That really makes me want to vomit. But I'm glad you're talking about canned whipped cream nonetheless. :) I don't know why someone would think that would be arousing. That is completely beyond me. *quietly sits in corner and gags*

[G_BOAA]

I really don't see the problem with kissing at all, even in the French way (the poor French do get burdened with bad things sometimes)! I have only kissed a few people in my life romantically but I have always enjoyed it and found it very enjoyable. Though I am an addict for hugging, especially marathon hugs. Just the other week there I hugged a very close friend of mine who was going through a bad break-up for 15 mins straight and it was the best 15 mins of my entire week! There is something about just standing there and hugging each other without kissing or petting that is so nice and warm!

[Demacrux (emi star...)]

the thing for me is that though I previously have awaited my first kiss, one I have abandoned most hope due to my awkwardness and inability to pursue a relationship of the romantic sort, Two which is more important, the more I hear about kissing and witness kissing in public, the more I am turned off by the very idea of it..just sounds disgusting.

[bexy]

For me it is definately the french variety I find unpleasant. Little short or chaste kisses are lovely - I see the appeal.. but most often kisses last waaaay to long and they seem to be accepted by many as a way to pass an hour or two (what a waste of life)! I guess one thing I really dislike is that I've hardly ever had a kiss where I havn't been trying to break it off before my partner..! <_<

[FallenAngel]

I was totally against kissing at one point of my life. I avoided it. I didn't like it.

But I got over it and I really like it now, but of course it has to be with my boyfriend.

[Blerdivor]

I always wonder how kissing is supposed to feel. It's always been a weird empty experience for me.

[alienentity]

I always wonder how kissing is supposed to feel. It's always been a weird empty experience for me.

Yes, I know what you mean. I don't get anything from it either. I also find it quite "ew" as someone phrased it and I don't really understand how it can be considered pleasureable!

I also don't like the idea of being 'good' or 'bad' at kissing - I just don't need another thing to be assessed on.

[GreenRemindsMe]

I tried to search for a topic like this, but couldn't find anything. But I feel like I must not have looked deeply enough, because surely someone else here feels the way I do.

I've figured out, over the course of a few years, that I'm not asexual, but I'm also not all that sexual, either. There are things I'd like to do, and others I don't think I would ever do. One thing that lies somewhere in between is kissing/kissing of the French variety.

To me, kissing is very intrusive. The idea of exchanging saliva is mostly gross, though less so if we're not talking about a complete stranger (which would be out of the question). Thing is, most people seem to think that kissing is the first thing you do after hugging--before fondling, caressing, taking any clothes off, etc. Yet, to me, many of those things that society thinks follow kissing are more palatable and ask much less of me. For example, I was ready to take my shirt off for my girlfriend and let her touch my breasts as soon as we became comfortable with each other in general, but kissing seemed (and still seems) like too much, for the most part.

Second to penetration (something I have no plans of ever doing), kissing seems like the most invasive thing to me. Does anyone else feel this way? It's one of the reasons I've avoided relationships--I figured I couldn't do much of anything if I could barely handle that normally-eagerly-anticipated "first kiss." Now I realize that there are other things I can do, but the kissing overwhelms me (not in a good way). Has anyone else felt this way and gradually gotten past it? Or not? Thanks in advance for sharing your views/experiences.

Personally, any kind of open-mouthed kissing always feels to me like the caricatures in movies, where the loser guy who doesn't know how to kiss chokes the girl he's trying to impress with his tongue. Just awkward. I love being kissed on my neck, but it doesn't arouse me at all. Hm. ~ponders~

[Latvia]

I don't like the idea of kissing any more than I like the idea of having sex. As long as their not being gross about it I don't mind other people kissing, but I have no desire to myself. On the mouth. Or other personal areas... but like someone said, little pecks on other less private places are okay, even sweet.

[marusian]

I see kissing as a small display of affection, and, seeing as I'm an affection hound (love to give it), I really don't mind kisses. I'm fine with it on the lips, hands, forehead, side of the head, cheeks, etc. French kissing...I'm not disgusted by other people doing it, but I have no desire for that and would avoid it.

"Kissing for the sake of kissing"...I have no idea how to interpret that phrase in my mind.

[Nyssa]

I used to absolutely hate the idea of kissing. I didn't care if it was in a movie, I didn't care if other people did it (but couples making out in public for hours on end is always tedious...especially when you can hear it! Argh!), but the thought of doing it myself kind of repulsed me.

Then I met my current (and only) partner...I didn't fully understand why I had such an aversion to kissing (and all other forms of sexual activity), and didn't communicate anything about it with him. At first kissing did feel somewhat awkward for me...but then I found that it wasn't as gross (to me) that I'd originally thought it would be. And now I love it! For me it's a nice way to express emotion or attraction towards someone.

But my case is somewhat different, as I went from having a very strong sense of distaste in participating in any sexual activities to actually enjoying many of them throughout the course of my relationship with my partner, and so no longer consider myself to be asexual. But it was a gradual change, and at first kissing was as far as I wanted to go and he just had to deal with it. And even then it was initially awkward for me!

Hugs, however, always have been, and always will be, lovely :)

[osito]

Back in February, GooberPeaAndMe started this thread titled "The Biology of Romance":

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?sho...&hl=kissing

I found an article--no longer available but quoted in my post (#12 in the thread)--which explained the basic neurochemistry of kissing. In sum, it said that for men, kissing releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This was not true for women, but in both sexes, cortisol, the stress hormone, decreased significantly during kissing.

The only reason I belabor the point is that there has to be some less-than-obvious reason why so many people like dueling with tongue and spittle. To me, it is gross, and more unpleasant than sex. I gave both more than a fair shake for years, hoping some switch would flip. It didn't.

So I have an idea about how to prove a biological basis for asexuality: set up an experiment, advertise for As, pay us enough (like $100 a minute) to be willing to French-kiss some nice stranger in a comfy lab setting for 15 minutes, and then check our levels of cortisol and oxytocin. I'd be willing to bet my cortisol would be through the roof and oxytocin nonexistent. Stress? It's one of the most getitoverwithalready things I can imagine. I'd rather have a root canal. Did I say bleaugh loudly enough? Kissing!!?? BLEAUGH!!!

In all seriousness, it seems a promising way to establish a neurochemical profile for asexuality, which wouldn't be a bad thing, so long as they didn't set up roadblocks and put us in detention camps. :)

[Iridien]

So I have an idea about how to prove a biological basis for asexuality: set up an experiment, advertise for As, pay us enough (like $100 a minute) to be willing to French-kiss some nice stranger in a comfy lab setting for 15 minutes, and then check our levels of cortisol and oxytocin. I'd be willing to bet my cortisol would be through the roof and oxytocin nonexistent. Stress? It's one of the most getitoverwithalready things I can imagine. I'd rather have a root canal. Did I say bleaugh loudly enough? Kissing!!?? BLEAUGH!!!

I think the only problem with this is that I'd be willing to bet that most anyone, asexual or not, would be grossed out with the idea of frenching a random stranger.

Answering the OP, I always thought that kissing was quite possibly the most disgusting thing I'd ever heard of. (Why do us humans always choose the most unsanitary and slimy ways to express love??) However, when I actually started kissing for real, I mellowed out on the subject. My sexual friend also reported the same feelings (feeling disgusted beforehand and then changing once she experienced it. She actually likes it now, though.)

I like short pecks on the cheek or mouth. I think what it represents is sweet and loving. Frenching is just boring and it takes way too long. Luckily I've never been able to taste anything strange during those sessions, so it's at least tolerable for me. I just try not to think too hard about what I'm doing while it's happening. It didn't help, though, that my boyfriend liked to do it enough that my tongue actually got sore after our makeout sessions (once it actually bled! WTF.)

[Nyxity]

I think the only problem with this is that I'd be willing to bet that most anyone, asexual or not, would be grossed out with the idea of frenching a random stranger.

What of play actors and movie stars? They do it all the time. Also, those low on cash do some of the most desperate things: being guinea pigs for "the sake of science".

[osito]

I think the only problem with this is that I'd be willing to bet that most anyone, asexual or not, would be grossed out with the idea of frenching a random stranger.

Haha, that's why I'd ask for $100 a minute.:lol:

But, your point is well-taken. There must be a way to control for the stranger-factor. Recruit Aces in relationships with sexuals?

[Damaris]

Did I say bleaugh loudly enough? Kissing!!?? BLEAUGH!!!

I couldn't have said it better myself. I find French kissing disgusting beyond measure. But chaste kisses, pecks on the cheek, kisses on the hand are okay if I know the person (and, you know, like them ^_^ ). But I'm a fairly hands-off kind of person anyway; I don't like random hugs or physical contact in general unless I really know the person well and trust them.

[Gatto]

.

[kionx]

Ick. Yeah, kissing... Been there, done that, don't want to do it again. There are so many other things I'd rather be doing than having someone that close to my face. Quick kisses are okay, but I'd rather they not be on my lips at all. Open mouthed anything makes me want to gag.

[Jreengus]

I'm ok with little pecks so long as I know its totally not sexual. I'm uncomfortable about someone who I know is attracted to me kissing me though.