Liberation

[LaLunaVerde]

I have been thinking about asexuality and liberation quite a bit lately because of a class I'm in at school. And I want to ask you lovely AVENites some questions, if that's alright.

It seems that the discovery of AVEN and asexuality is, for many of us, accompanied by feelings of liberation or some newfound freedom. Liberation is always from something--we are liberated from for example, pretending to be sexual when we are not, from feeling alone, from feeling as though something is wrong with us, etc. But, there are other things that we still need to be liberated from--many of us still feel alienated from friends and family, asexuality is pathologized, our existence is denied, we are afraid of "coming out," and so on and so forth.

So my questions for you are:

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

I'll go ahead and answer these now...:

1) I no longer feel the need to figure out "what's wrong with me." I'm comfortable wearing clothes that show off "my figure" and don't hate my body, because I've come to see it as something that can be beautiful without being sexual. I no longer feel alone and as if I'm the only one in the world like this. hurrah! :D I am much more comfortable with myself--I am comfortable with my differences from others and can recognize that I am different without feeling as though I must change that.

2) Many important people in my life fail to recognize asexuality as legitimate and continue to think there is something wrong with me. I want to be free from constantly being told that part of who I am is a pathology. I want to be liberated from having my (a)sexuality misunderstood or denied, from being told I am somehow not "fully human." I want to be freed from being afraid of telling people about this part of myself for fear of all of the above. I want to be free from being isolated irl.

3)...um...I have trouble here. I guess keep doing what we're doing with visibility and encouraging more research...overcoming my fears is something I'm gonna have to work out on a personal level, I think. Going to a meet-up, would help with the irl isolation bit.

[hoku]

I guess I'm free from forcing myself to do things I am not comfortable with just because I think that's what people should be doing or because I think if I find the right person, I will like it. I don't know what else I need to be liberated from. I think I am ok.

[Wolf X Omega]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

A: I feel like a weight is off my shoulders, now I now what how I really feel and I have a name for it, this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

A:I still need to learn that dating is not necessary, I often feel bad for myself for being alone

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

A: Lots and lots of hitting the head on the wall

[reddix]

1) I now feel free to explore my (a)sexuality and find out what my limits are, without any preconceived ideas about what I should be 'aiming for'. I no longer feel like I'm missing an essential part of me, and I can start to think of new opportunities and ways to enjoy myself.

2) I still feel trapped between either being completely alone forever, or feeling compelled to do things I'm not really into, just so that I can be with someone.

3) Maybe I can help with #2 by trying to meet some other asexuals in real life. I doubt I'll find a partner (just because of the low numbers), but at least I might be able to talk to people who 'get' me a bit better. I can also help with #2 by being more firm with my boundaries with sexuals, and realising that I don't need to change.

[Illusionary]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

Before I found AVEN and asexuality, I was just really confused. I felt like something was wrong with me that I needed to fix, and I didn't know how. I also felt very alone. Finding out about asexuality and AVEN helped me to realize nothing is wrong with me, and it's not something that should/needs to be fixed. And now that I know there are others out there, I've dealt with everything so much better.

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

Sometimes I think that I'm going to be or feel alone for the rest of my life. I tend to think that one day I have to find a SO, and that I won't be able to do that.

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

I need to change my thinking on this subject. Right now, I don't even know for sure if I want to find a SO, but I've been conditioned all my life to believe that I'm supposed to make that a goal. I do feel that one day it would be nice to have a SO, but I don't know that I need one.

[Illuminated]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

Before I found AVEN and discovered the idea of asexuality, I used to think that "sex" was going to have to be something that I would first have to get incredibly drunk to do; I figured that I would have to get over some inhibition I had in order to ever lose my virginity, because otherwise I would never want sex. Now that I can identify as asexual, though, I don't have to worry about it: I've never desired sex with anyone, and that's perfectly fine. So, liberated from anxiety about being "broken" or otherwise "off."

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

I still have anxiety issues, though not from asexuality, so I don't know if that pertains to the question. But, as I saw someone before mention, I still worry about finding a partner, and that I need one to be truly happy in life, and that I'll grow old and bitter and die terribly alone. So freedom from that would be nice, I think.

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

I don't rightly know, actually. I could pretend I did, but anything I suggested would simply be a case of "(much) easier said than done," or wishful thinking.

[waterbear]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

It helped me recognize that my libido isn't as much of a threat to my morals as had previously been considered.

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

I persist in viewing my body as part of my core "self".

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

Need to remind myself that my physical form is something only partially within my control and thus not "self".

[DavidG]

1) It was a relief to know that I wasn't as unusual as I thought... I'd already got to the point where I was avoiding any possibility of relationships to avoid sex.

2) Like others have said, it'd be nice to find somebody eventually...

3) No idea, to be honest. I feel pretty awkward with that kind of stuff in general.

[Blueflare]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

I no longer feel like a freak or "immature" for not wanting sex or romance.

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

Myself. I haven't told anyone I'm asexual. Not because I'm ashamed of it or anything, there just hasn't been any real reason or indeed an appropriate moment to bring it up.

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

I'm not in a hurry to "free myself", I'll tell people when I feel the time is right, or if they ask.

[cijay]

I have been thinking about asexuality and liberation quite a bit lately because of a class I'm in at school. And I want to ask you lovely AVENites some questions, if that's alright.

It seems that the discovery of AVEN and asexuality is, for many of us, accompanied by feelings of liberation or some newfound freedom. Liberation is always from something--we are liberated from for example, pretending to be sexual when we are not, from feeling alone, from feeling as though something is wrong with us, etc. But, there are other things that we still need to be liberated from--many of us still feel alienated from friends and family, asexuality is pathologized, our existence is denied, we are afraid of "coming out," and so on and so forth.

So my questions for you are:

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

I'll go ahead and answer these now...:

1) I no longer feel the need to figure out "what's wrong with me." I'm comfortable wearing clothes that show off "my figure" and don't hate my body, because I've come to see it as something that can be beautiful without being sexual. I no longer feel alone and as if I'm the only one in the world like this. hurrah! :D I am much more comfortable with myself--I am comfortable with my differences from others and can recognize that I am different without feeling as though I must change that.

2) Many important people in my life fail to recognize asexuality as legitimate and continue to think there is something wrong with me. I want to be free from constantly being told that part of who I am is a pathology. I want to be liberated from having my (a)sexuality misunderstood or denied, from being told I am somehow not "fully human." I want to be freed from being afraid of telling people about this part of myself for fear of all of the above. I want to be free from being isolated irl.

3)...um...I have trouble here. I guess keep doing what we're doing with visibility and encouraging more research...overcoming my fears is something I'm gonna have to work out on a personal level, I think. Going to a meet-up, would help with the irl isolation bit.

The liberation was only internal. There was a point in time I felt I had to at least try to fit in, but I gave it up about twenty years before finding AVEN. It's kind of odd because I was already to a point where I wasn't going to worry about it. I was already who I was meant to be and gave up 'acting' ages before it, it was just more seeing that there are others like me. I didn't spend much time even thinking about my orientation and even less time 'worrying' about it so learning about asexuality basically scrubbed 'thinking about it' right off my agenda. Now, the only time I think about it is while on here or doing lectures. I don't consider it to be a major part of my life.

I think I'm fully liberated, I don't have anything else I need. I don't need to be free from fear of people finding out because I don't care. Nor do I have any kind of pressure to tell them either. I don't strive to be understood, uncovered, treated equally or anything else because those who know that I'm asexual (I don't even know who they are) don't care and the rest of them don't matter.

I do the visibility work mostly to help represent the portion of asexuals who are secure, not repulsed or anti-sexual, not militant fist-thrusters or marchers, just a person who wants to live her life. I want to be one to speak calmly and rationally to the press and respect the opinions of the people with letters after their names and a parchment on the wall that says they know more than I do. I also want to see the visibility continue because there are people who still haven't discovered themselves - and there will always BE people like that, so it's important for them to see they're not alone, to come join us and see that within the community we're diverse. If someone is non-repulsed, non-militant comes in and sees only the posts that criticise sexuals or the sexperts, theyr'e going to say "oh, this isn't for me". Likewise, if the haters come in and see only people who strive to create awareness, they'd say 'where's all the people with the fight in them?" so the blend is good.

[Sammie]

I feel liberated from a whole lot of guilt about not being a proper girlfriend, pleasing guys like a girlfriend should. I feel liberated knowing that's not something to be afraid of or feel guilty about. I feel much better about myself now. So yeah, its very liberating.

[LaLunaVerde]

I do the visibility work mostly to help represent the portion of asexuals who are secure, not repulsed or anti-sexual, not militant fist-thrusters or marchers, just a person who wants to live her life. I want to be one to speak calmly and rationally to the press and respect the opinions of the people with letters after their names and a parchment on the wall that says they know more than I do. I also want to see the visibility continue because there are people who still haven't discovered themselves - and there will always BE people like that, so it's important for them to see they're not alone, to come join us and see that within the community we're diverse. If someone is non-repulsed, non-militant comes in and sees only the posts that criticise sexuals or the sexperts, theyr'e going to say "oh, this isn't for me". Likewise, if the haters come in and see only people who strive to create awareness, they'd say 'where's all the people with the fight in them?" so the blend is good.

I like this answer. :) I hope you don't think I'm militant, though (I don't know if you were implying that or not). I realize that saying that there are things we need "liberation from" can seem militant, but I don't think it has to be...I think recognizing that some of us feel isolated irl and finding ways to end that isolation is a way of liberating people...and I don't really consider that militant. Of course, you may not have been suggesting anything about me being militant at all. I do think all the diversity on AVEN is good though.

*wanders off*

[cijay]

I do the visibility work mostly to help represent the portion of asexuals who are secure, not repulsed or anti-sexual, not militant fist-thrusters or marchers, just a person who wants to live her life. I want to be one to speak calmly and rationally to the press and respect the opinions of the people with letters after their names and a parchment on the wall that says they know more than I do. I also want to see the visibility continue because there are people who still haven't discovered themselves - and there will always BE people like that, so it's important for them to see they're not alone, to come join us and see that within the community we're diverse. If someone is non-repulsed, non-militant comes in and sees only the posts that criticise sexuals or the sexperts, theyr'e going to say "oh, this isn't for me". Likewise, if the haters come in and see only people who strive to create awareness, they'd say 'where's all the people with the fight in them?" so the blend is good.

I like this answer. :) I hope you don't think I'm militant, though (I don't know if you were implying that or not). I realize that saying that there are things we need "liberation from" can seem militant, but I don't think it has to be...I think recognizing that some of us feel isolated irl and finding ways to end that isolation is a way of liberating people...and I don't really consider that militant. Of course, you may not have been suggesting anything about me being militant at all. I do think all the diversity on AVEN is good though.

*wanders off*

No, it wasn't directed at you. There's a difference between seeking liberation and marching and fist thrusting. But I did want to illustrate that the liberation I felt when I found AVEN was only a personal one. I don't plan on 'freeing all asexuals'. That can't be done by anyone but that person.

[Amcan]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

I can;t say it liberated me as such. Just gave me a feeling of 'I have a word to describe myself and I am not alone!' It liberated me form feeling weird I guess.

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

Humamn falibility

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

Don't think you can.

[queerunity]

I believe there won't be true asexual liberation till society knows what asexuality is. People have so many misconceptions (celibacy, dysfunction, hermaphrodite, the ability to self-reproduce).

http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com

[LaLunaVerde]

I believe there won't be true asexual liberation till society knows what asexuality is. People have so many misconceptions (celibacy, dysfunction, hermaphrodite, the ability to self-reproduce).

http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com

Yes. That is why working for visibility is working for liberation, in my opinion. :)

[queerunity]

yay i concur and your little frog graphic is adorable

[LaLunaVerde]

Hehe. Thanks. :) I love my frog and mousie avatar.

[Misac]

It's not liberating in the sense that reading Darwin's Theory of Evolution or Einstein's Theory of Relativity for the first time is, in the sense that I've always known "me" and my sexual views have not wavered much. In the case of Darwin or Einstein, they are brand new ideas.

If it was a thing that I suddenly discovered an asexual or lesser-sexual side to me which I never saw, then I'd say the feeling of catharsis would be greater.

Rather than liberating, I would consider it moreso relieving. I.e. in a hyper-sexualised society to meet with people who just don't think that sex is that big of a deal. In today's society you begin to wonder if something is wrong you don't approach sexuality and sexual drive in a certain way.

Of course, the way I see it, some people are just inclined to behave and think like that.

[queerunity]

It's not liberating in the sense that reading Darwin's Theory of Evolution or Einstein's Theory of Relativity for the first time is, in the sense that I've always known "me" and my sexual views have not wavered much. In the case of Darwin or Einstein, they are brand new ideas.

If it was a thing that I suddenly discovered an asexual or lesser-sexual side to me which I never saw, then I'd say the feeling of catharsis would be greater.

Rather than liberating, I would consider it moreso relieving. I.e. in a hyper-sexualised society to meet with people who just don't think that sex is that big of a deal. In today's society you begin to wonder if something is wrong you don't approach sexuality and sexual drive in a certain way.

Of course, the way I see it, some people are just inclined to behave and think like that.

it sounds like youhave been pretty firmly grounded in your asexuality, i think its more liberating for those of us who question, have questioned or are still unsure about our asexuality.

[bbctv]

i guess i was fortunate, in that people i knew accepted that i didn't care about sex from a pretty young age and i never felt pressured to be anything other than who i was. at the same time, i've enjoyed being part of a community, and i think that it's a beneficial thing. a lot of people feel like they're the only one.

i think as time goes by more awareness will result. it'll just take some time to shift the cultural landscape.

[queerunity]

i guess i was fortunate, in that people i knew accepted that i didn't care about sex from a pretty young age and i never felt pressured to be anything other than who i was. at the same time, i've enjoyed being part of a community, and i think that it's a beneficial thing. a lot of people feel like they're the only one.

i think as time goes by more awareness will result. it'll just take some time to shift the cultural landscape.

i feel it is imperative that their is a community of asexuals and allies, there s on here and it is wonderful but there needs to be a greater effort to bring the online, offline as well.

[Jordan]

To find out that there are people who believe sex is not life and can live without it. Plus I find the overt genderqueerness in this community irresistable.

[GarboFour]

1) How has finding AVEN/figuring out you are asexual liberated you? What have you been liberated from?

I don't know what I've been liberated from since I never took it properly seriously. Perhaps that makes things easy when I'm asked about orientation things. Before that I couldn't find a proper word so I had to explain much like: 'I don't think I fancy guys. Yet I don't find much more attraction in girls either...'

2) What do you still feel the need to be liberated from?

I haven't come out completely. Some friends keep suggesting me looking for a boyfriend, some other believe that I've been keeping a secret love... my parents are just waiting for one day when I bring a boyfriend home...

3) What can we do to free ourselves from whatever the answer to question 2 is?

I'm just to keep saying the 'i-am-not-interested' stuff until I get bored ...

[evanescence]

I'm amazed how many people here seemed to feel secure in their asexuality from a young age. For my part, I was CONSUMED with anxiety about the issue in my youth. I saw several therapists, read countless books about sexuality, and even had my testosterone levels checked (bang-on average) after learning that testosterone regulates sex drive even in women. I felt fundamentally broken. I took it as an absolute given that I would have to fake desire and passion, as the alternative -- remaining a "spinster" ( a fate worse than death, in my mother's view) -- seemed unthinkable.

At age 21 I forced myself to get a boyfriend because it was "high time." I forced myself to let him kiss me, even though it felt like a violation. I forced myself to have sex with him, even though it did nothing for me. I evidently did a pretty good job, because he once told me, "I love it when you get that look in your eyes." What look???

Several relationships later, I am now married to a man who has a fairly low sex drive. We have sex about once a month and, while it's not something I crave, I do enjoy his touch in general, especially the cuddling we do every night. We love each other and have two beautiful kids together, so things are good.

If I had heard about AVEN as a teen or young adult (though I don't think it existed at the time -- I'm 51), I don't think I would have felt liberated because I wouldn't have been ready to embrace the orientation. I was far too invested in playing "normal."

Evanescence