Innocence of Touch

[astrobean]

Title: The Innocence of Touch

Author: astrobean

Summary: A few thoughts on how the meaning of touch changes with sexual maturity, and how asexuals can be left behind. Comments welcome.

Word Count: 700

Cross-posted from: http://3sigmaanomaly.livejournal.com/2712.html (feel free to leave comments there too)

*~*

PART 1: Love Languages

My brain whirrs at a mile a minute, and it never settles down. As a writer, I am constantly narrating the lives of my characters (or dramatizing my own experiences, or imagining interviews with famous people). The best way for me to fall asleep at night is to take whatever character I’m narrating, send them some place quiet, and let them fall asleep. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that character is snuggled with someone who makes them feel safe. My love language is touch.

In Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages,” he puts forth a theory that people express love in one of five ways: touch, gift-giving, encouraging words, quality time, and acts of service. I can see how this is true when I watch my sister and her husband. Her love language is acts of service and his is quality time. She feels loved when he randomly finishes some of her chores; he feels loved when she hangs the chores and just sits with him and talks for awhile. In general, we use them all the languages, but there are certain times when we are stressed or in need, and it becomes important that the other person use our own language, because we will not interpret anything else as love.

I have a propensity for writing characters whose love languages are touch. I have studied people and their love languages and learned that not everyone is as comforted by a hug as I am. Touch means different things to different people. It doesn’t carry a universally standard weight.

*~*

PART 2: Childlike Innocence

As asexuals, we are often forced to define what kind of touching we are comfortable with. For many of us, this line is not drawn from preference, but from fear. I love being held, hugged, and cuddled, but I find that it is not safe. Somewhere along the way, those around me abandoned the innocence of touch, and I have been left behind.

When you’re a child, touch is important. Holding someone’s hand, sitting on someone’s lap, resting your head on someone’s shoulder--all of these are natural expressions of love and trust. None of these actions have sexual overtones.

As people mature, touch loses its innocence. You can’t snuggle up to your best friend anymore and rest your head on his shoulder without your intentions being questioned. As an asexaul, I never lost that innocence, and I crossed boundaries by accident. I was forced to retreat and draw lines to protect myself. Because I lacked understanding of the changes other people were going through, I couldn’t predict simple responses, and consequently I could not fulfill my basic needs.

*~*

PART 3: Plenty of Fish in the Friend Zone

The current lingo criticizes the “friend zone” as a land of rejected, horny men. They say that once you’re in the friend zone, you can’t get out (except perhaps by divine intervention). When I still believed myself heterosexual, I always assumed that I would pull a mate from this friend zone, because that was where I’d find the guy that I trusted enough to let near me. I never understood how people could parse their friends from their dating partners so quickly, because I never felt sexual attraction. I always assumed the distinction came from getting to know the person.

In college, I learned to fear kisses because no man I was with was satisfied to stop at kissing. I wouldn’t even allow a platonic kiss on the cheek. By grad school, I learned to fear hugs too. I can’t touch someone until I am sure of their intentions toward me, and until I am reassured that they will not misread my intentions toward them. For someone whose love language is touch, it is cruel irony. I want nothing more than to be safe and to be held, but it is not safe to let someone hold me.

This is the dilemma I face going forward. Now that I’m out to myself as asexual, I have defined and given context to my boundaries and my desire for physical contact. My fear is that I can’t fulfil my desire, so long as I am surrounded by people who don’t understand or appreciate my innocence.

*~*

Comments and counter-thoughts appreciated.

[Jeremy44]

From a technical perspective, I think you're a good writer. From a theory perspective, it's interesting. I think touch is something we desire because it's built into us. Evolution or not, we seem drawn towards it, which is part of why communities form, and part of what makes parenting just barely livable(IMHO). That being said, I don't know that I'm fully innocent, but sometimes ignorant. I don't consider just how close two people are and how often they are that way. It just doesn't pop into my head naturally, and most of the time people don't let you observe them. Even surveys are questionable tools, as there are too many variables to calculate. So without the experience, I'm ignorant of how it works in detail, but not the basic mechanisms.

I think the friend zone is also a subtly different meaning than what you apply to it. Even an ACE can be put into the friend zone as it were. Friend vs partner vs queerplatonic relationship vs ... They all are subtly different, even though it can be hard to differentiate the differences. A sexless marriage can (and does) happen. You mention some personal TMI details in your blog about touching, and the question is, what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable (not to mention does that change over time)? I think only you can answer that.

Many people seem to advocate ACE only relationships. I myself tend towards that opinion (for myself only), although maybe a truly understanding sexual could work. I've never been a touchy-feely person in part because the people who are, who hug everyone seem like they don't really care. I mean, if you're hugging everyone, then do you really care about anyone? What shows the difference between a special person and just an acquaintance? However, I do appreciate when I get closer to someone that they do want to demonstrate that closeness. Perhaps you just have to get close intellectually first, know the person, and with a safety of mutual knowledge and respect move to the relationship you want. Just my thoughts.

[Kurayami]

Oh man.. First things first, my reply may be a bit... Y'know, unorganized, so bear with me please.

When I read the first paragraph about imagining your characters falling asleep to help you fall asleep, that just sounded wonderful to me. Unfortunately, my characters are too vague and underdeveloped to do anything of the sort.

Somehow, I can relate. I am rather childish in my want for touch of people close to me. Familial, friendly, whatever. If I trust them (it's very hard to gain my trust), I like to hug and cuddle. I reminds me of a time when my friend and I were cuddled up in my bed together a few years ago. We were laying in the most awkward of positions, and not to mention there was hardly any room, but we both were really comfortable and fell asleep like that. That was probably one of the few times when I really had a period of sustained contact with anyone outside my family.

And *sigh*, looking up at my text, I can see that I'm just randomly rambling. ._. My apologies. In all honesty, I've never really understood the "friend zone." It may be because I'm demi-romantic (or something... Still trying to figure that particular part out), but it doesn't make sense to me to put someone in an "off-limits zone" just because they are closer to you than some random stranger. But that's just me, I guess. My thinking is scewed when it comes to the romance department (and there's the fact that I've never been in a relationship...).

I've never been a touchy-feely person in part because the people who are, who hug everyone seem like they don't really care. I mean, if you're hugging everyone, then do you really care about anyone? What shows the difference between a special person and just an acquaintance?

I really agree with this. I seldom give or receive hugs outside of my family for this reason. I understand that some people just like contact, but I don't like just casual "Oh hey there, acquaintance!" contact. I have tried to do so... And it just felt wrong (and I really regret ever having contact with said unnamed person).

Anyways... Where was I going with all of this? ...I have absolutely no idea. Wonderful. Well, I think I can sympathize with your unfulfilled desires. Not only with touch, but with other "Languages of Love." I haven't had good, quality alone time with a "friend" in quite a while. That said, I only have one friend I ever consider half-a-friend and she's across the country.

Well, I'm terribly sorry for this mess of a response! It's so... Messy. And I'm kind of interested in reading that book now...

...

[byanyotherusername]

What a well-written piece, and I can definitely relate to your experience!

My brain whirrs at a mile a minute, and it never settles down. As a writer, I am constantly narrating the lives of my characters (or dramatizing my own experiences, or imagining interviews with famous people). The best way for me to fall asleep at night is to take whatever character I’m narrating, send them some place quiet, and let them fall asleep. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that character is snuggled with someone who makes them feel safe. My love language is touch.

I do this too! I'm an insomniac, and I picture my characters in a relaxing setting--a bedroom or meadow--talking softly, cuddling, and eventually falling asleep. I wonder how many writers do this? :)

As asexuals, we are often forced to define what kind of touching we are comfortable with. For many of us, this line is not drawn from preference, but from fear. I love being held, hugged, and cuddled, but I find that it is not safe. Somewhere along the way, those around me abandoned the innocence of touch, and I have been left behind.

When you’re a child, touch is important. Holding someone’s hand, sitting on someone’s lap, resting your head on someone’s shoulder--all of these are natural expressions of love and trust. None of these actions have sexual overtones.

As people mature, touch loses its innocence. You can’t snuggle up to your best friend anymore and rest your head on his shoulder without your intentions being questioned. As an asexaul, I never lost that innocence, and I crossed boundaries by accident. I was forced to retreat and draw lines to protect myself. Because I lacked understanding of the changes other people were going through, I couldn’t predict simple responses, and consequently I could not fulfill my basic needs.

Absolutely. As an example, when I was a kid, because of my insomnia, different older family members would often rub my back to help me go to sleep. At my current age, I certainly couldn't ask someone to rub my back as I went to sleep without them reading a completely different intention into it. >.<

I get into a lot of messy situations with hugging/hand-holding/cuddling. I feel a genuine need for human touch and become depressed without it. And when I am depressed for other reasons, I crave the comfort of human touch. The stickiest situations I've ever gotten into with physical boundaries happened when I was depressed or stressed and let my guard down (or, went into denial about the intention behind the touching because I was craving it so badly).

In college, I learned to fear kisses because no man I was with was satisfied to stop at kissing. I wouldn’t even allow a platonic kiss on the cheek. By grad school, I learned to fear hugs too. I can’t touch someone until I am sure of their intentions toward me, and until I am reassured that they will not misread my intentions toward them. For someone whose love language is touch, it is cruel irony. I want nothing more than to be safe and to be held, but it is not safe to let someone hold me.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I have been there before, and still am there sometimes. I manage to find relationships where physical touch is safe--family members, and close friends who are either not attracted to my gender or know me well enough not to misread my intention. I have fallen asleep in the arms of some of these people, and it is wonderful. But it's definitely true that I have to be careful about who I allow that close, because the majority will misinterpret an invitation for that level of intimacy.

I've never been a touchy-feely person in part because the people who are, who hug everyone seem like they don't really care. I mean, if you're hugging everyone, then do you really care about anyone? What shows the difference between a special person and just an acquaintance?

I really agree with this. I seldom give or receive hugs outside of my family for this reason. I understand that some people just like contact, but I don't like just casual "Oh hey there, acquaintance!" contact. I have tried to do so... And it just felt wrong (and I really regret ever having contact with said unnamed person).

I disagree--with the idea that casual hugs cheapen the gesture, that is, not with the fact that you personally don't wish to hug anyone you aren't very close to. Everyone should make their own choices with what level of touch they are comfortable with. I appreciate casual touch, personally, because it is rarely misinterpreted, and also because the affection is often genuine, even if it isn't very deep. I won't hug just anyone I know, but I will hug anyone I know and like (if they are receptive to hugs) even if I don't know them that well. Touch is something I need, and I appreciate those who offer it freely, without expectations or strings attached--a gesture of good will towards humanity, almost. I don't think it cheapens the gesture, because a casual hug is different than a hug between a close friend or family member. A hug with someone I deeply care about will probably be longer and/or tighter, and possibly involve a kiss on the cheek or short, whispered exchange before we part.

Just my two cents. :)

[astrobean]

I have definitely generalized a lot in this, and I'm sure people's experiences are unique. Sometimes, I'm just writing for the person out there who hasn't made my mistakes yet and can maybe save themselves some heartache. I think that's an interesting point differentiating innocence from ignorance. For me, the two go hand-in-hand, because my desire has innocence to it, whereas my ignorance gets me into trouble. The problems could have been specific to the people I was around.

Many people seem to advocate ACE only relationships. I myself tend towards that opinion (for myself only), although maybe a truly understanding sexual could work.

I think that's a whole other issue, but an important one. I hope I'm never so arrogant that I'd tell someone not to love someone else. I don't even know that I'd expend energy warning them about the dangers of mixed relationships. I'd just encourage them to keep open lines of communication, and be honest with themselves about what they want, need, and are willing to give. You never know what might happen when the right people find each other.

[astrobean]

Rambling is perfectly okay Kurayami. It's not like I wrote all this off the top of my head, and it is a lot to digest.

I seldom give or receive hugs outside of my family for this reason. I understand that some people just like contact, but I don't like just casual "Oh hey there, acquaintance!" contact. I have tried to do so... And it just felt wrong (and I really regret ever having contact with said unnamed person).

I don't have any desire to give hugs to acquaintances either. I just have trouble forming friendships, because it is so rare that I find someone that I'm comfortable opening up to.

[runester]

Rambling is perfectly okay Kurayami. It's not like I wrote all this off the top of my head, and it is a lot to digest.

I seldom give or receive hugs outside of my family for this reason. I understand that some people just like contact, but I don't like just casual "Oh hey there, acquaintance!" contact. I have tried to do so... And it just felt wrong (and I really regret ever having contact with said unnamed person).

I don't have any desire to give hugs to acquaintances either. I just have trouble forming friendships, because it is so rare that I find someone that I'm comfortable opening up to.

Firstly, I need to apologize for messing-up this individual posting. I merely wished to add a few comments regarding not needing to cuddle or hug or kiss on the mouth; and being an ace, this seems like average behavior to me. To do otherwise, leads one into a habit of feeling poorly or repulsed; possibly even friendless.

[Kai99]

Oh man! Did you just enter my head and type down my feelings and thoughts!

The best way for me to fall asleep at night is to take whatever character I’m narrating, send them some place quiet, and let them fall asleep. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that character is snuggled with someone who makes them feel safe. My love language is touch.

I do this too! My characters brother me all day, even when I'm trying to sleep. One of the things I like to do to is imagine them sleeping or getting comfortable to go to sleep. Makes me fall asleep with them.

As asexuals, we are often forced to define what kind of touching we are comfortable with. For many of us, this line is not drawn from preference, but from fear. I love being held, hugged, and cuddled, but I find that it is not safe. Somewhere along the way, those around me abandoned the innocence of touch, and I have been left behind.

When you’re a child, touch is important. Holding someone’s hand, sitting on someone’s lap, resting your head on someone’s shoulder--all of these are natural expressions of love and trust. None of these actions have sexual overtones.

As people mature, touch loses its innocence. You can’t snuggle up to your best friend anymore and rest your head on his shoulder without your intentions being questioned. As an asexaul, I never lost that innocence, and I crossed boundaries by accident. I was forced to retreat and draw lines to protect myself. Because I lacked understanding of the changes other people were going through, I couldn’t predict simple responses, and consequently I could not fulfill my basic needs.

I love this theory and I believe your spot on. Majority of the people in this world, when they hit a certain age, usually around thirteen or fourteen, experience sexual attraction. Girls and boys are now hot and you have a physical reaction towards them which can come on in various physical situations. Growing up, I remember I had a huge urge to hug people and be hug in return. I like doing this to my male friends growing up( they are much more cuddly than girls). As time went by, I became much more uncomfortable with hugging. I develop a large chest and boys weren't reacting to me like usual. I had a boy hug me just to press up against my breast and I even saw him get turn on by it! I'm now much more suspicious of men when they want a hug from me, but I hate being like this. I love hugs, especially from men, and it depresses me at times when I can't give them the many hugs that I desire, especially when it can be interpreted to something else.

The current lingo criticizes the “friend zone” as a land of rejected, horny men. They say that once you’re in the friend zone, you can’t get out (except perhaps by divine intervention). When I still believed myself heterosexual, I always assumed that I would pull a mate from this friend zone, because that was where I’d find the guy that I trusted enough to let near me. I never understood how people could parse their friends from their dating partners so quickly, because I never felt sexual attraction. I always assumed the distinction came from getting to know the person.

In college, I learned to fear kisses because no man I was with was satisfied to stop at kissing. I wouldn’t even allow a platonic kiss on the cheek. By grad school, I learned to fear hugs too. I can’t touch someone until I am sure of their intentions toward me, and until I am reassured that they will not misread my intentions toward them. For someone whose love language is touch, it is cruel irony. I want nothing more than to be safe and to be held, but it is not safe to let someone hold me.

This is the dilemma I face going forward. Now that I’m out to myself as asexual, I have defined and given context to my boundaries and my desire for physical contact. My fear is that I can’t fulfil my desire, so long as I am surrounded by people who don’t understand or appreciate my innocence.

I really relate to this. I don't like it when a boy shows interest in me by first meet and try to ask me out. To me it like, why would you try to ask me out when you don't even know me. It turns me off more than anything. How I imagine getting with someone is me getting to know them really well as good friends, and then think whether or not I should ask them out. I, too, thought that people decided to go out with each other only when they knew each other for a very long time. I didn't found out about sexual attraction( or completely understood it) until I was, like eighteen going to nineteen.

I share your dilemma. What relationship I admire more than anything else and wish to be in is a strong, platonic relationship where I can be as snuggly/comfortable and even share a kiss every now and then with a guy without having to fear them being turn on by it and taking it to sexual level. That is all I want. I don't have that. I have two male friends who mean the world to me and I can tell anything to, but I can never be my true affectionate self with them.

This speaks to sex-repulse asexuals more than anything.

[The Scrabbler]

I've always been big on touch. It's not always a hug, sometimes it's just a poke, but for me it's a way of showing that I'm comfortable enough with you to touch you. Around people I don't know, I usually keep very much to myself, so being comfortable enough to actually touch someone randomly is a big thing. It doesn't always get interpreted as such, but then I always have trouble making myself understood.

As to the casual hugs: I am a casual hugger, but only with people I'm comfortable with. Once I know a person well enough to touch them, I usually go for a hug (unless I know the person doesn't like being touched).