Lady Grey Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Hi there! I'm about to turn 40, but am just starting to figure myself out. I don't know quite how I would label myself just yet as I've only just started to learn about asexuality, but I think a good first stab at it would be homo-romantic grey-a. I could be actually asexual but I'm not completely sure. I've been in two relationships (both with women) and am currently still in my second. Both women are sexual, though I kind of didn't realise my current partner is; learning this is what has led me to start thinking about things. I have had sex at the beginning of each of my relationships, but my comfort with doing that faded pretty quickly. My first girlfriend asked me to go to therapy to figure out what was wrong, and I broke up with her shortly after. However, my therapist kind of convinced me that I was just not attracted to my girlfriend in particular, so at that time I didn't get any insight into the possibility that I'm not really sexually attracted to people in general. Was single for a few years, then met my current girlfriend. We've been together for over a decade. The large chunk of that time has been sexless, with which I am completely comfortable. For reasons I won't get into, I assumed my girlfriend was also comfortable with things this way, but yesterday I learned she is not. This has shaken me a bit. It was only when she described how she feels that I started to really think "oh, other people actually really want to have sex" and started to realise how different I am in comparison. So here I am. I've done a bit of reading and right now think of myself as kind grey-a. I know the definition of asexual is not being sexually attracted to people, but somehow I still am not sure whether I am. Because I'm not sure what sexual attraction really feels like. I am definitely attracted to people (women) so I know I am not a-romantic. I just am not able to tell whether that attraction is 100% non-sexual. I know that I don't feel any strong need to have sex with people I'm attracted to but the idea of just touching or kissing them is sometimes pleasant. Anyway, I'm here because I want to try to understand myself a bit better. And another huge issue on my mind now is of course what to do about my relationship now that I know we are not at all on the same page. She loves me enough that she's stuck with me so far, but I can't believe she'd be OK being celibate her whole life. I'll be looking for a forum here about relationships! Ah, I forget the basics about me! I'm a woman. I live in London. And I do social science research. I have a time-consuming sports hobby. Right now I'm still wary of saying too much about myself, but if I hang around here and get more comfortable I'm sure I'll say more. Link to post Share on other sites
eamonn Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Welcome to AVEN! It's nice to have some older people around; the AVEN population mostly consists of young people, and diversity never hurts. Social science research, eh? Cool. Link to post Share on other sites
belovedless Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Hello and welcome. Just so you know, many people consider the desire to touch and kiss "sensual attraction," while the desire to have sex is "sexual attraction." Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Hi! I'm married to an asexual and his definition of asexual goes like this...lacks sexual attraction and/or does not desire sexual relations. The latter half is really all that matters to us and it's really the only reason asexuality affects our relationship. He and many other asexuals actually consider that second half of the definition to be basic to them. He's certainly doesn't desire sex, but he's not repulsed by it either though so we are able to compromise. There are mixed couples around with lots of good advice. Welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Invisible Pumpkin Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Welcome :cake: Come on eamonn :P There are olders asexuals in the forum too. Hope that Aven help you to find the information you need have a more satisfactory and to understand better yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachwalker Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hey again Formica. I consider myself asexual because I am not interested in having sex. Noone actually agrees on what sexual attraction is or isn't, and for me l find it easier to understand in the context of not being interested in having sex and no desire for partnered sex. Again welcome :) Link to post Share on other sites
daylily Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 I turned 40 the beginning of August and I'm new here too, so I wanted to say hello. I am in a failing marriage of 16 years and just last fall, I finally told my husband that I had realized that I am asexual. My husband was ok with it at that time and I think he was almost sort of relieved to finally understand me. However, it reached the point where I said no more sex. And things have been different since then. He had wanted to hang onto our marriage, but at this point that seems to have changed (and I understand that). I kind of want out of the relationship too because I am tired of the guilt (and he does not communicate or laugh with me, which is my favorite way of connecting, his favorite is physical of course). So I am in a similar situation as you, trying to figure out where to go from here. Private message me if you want! daylily Link to post Share on other sites
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