Whofan York Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi AVEN, I know there is a parenting thread elsewhere on AVEN and hurray for that, but it didn't quite answer my question because it's full of existing parents. After lurking here for a few weeks I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, but I'm also 30 and female and know nothing about stable relationships. And I want to be a mum. Auntie would do, but mum would be best. It seems odd that I'm probably asexual and the biological clock strikes anyway but... How do I get there? I've started coming out to friends and telling them this. They've been phenomenal - 'oh, but there's all sorts of options these days,' but the options worry me too... 1) IVF or artificial insemination. I'm a 30-year-old virgin. There, I've finally said it, after the world made me feel ashamed. Do they even take people in my position at medical practices? (I'm in the UK, the rules might be different here). And if they do, how do I have it done? I may simply be a big wuss with medical stuff anyway, and pregnancy would be a surefire cure for that. But I've been reading about the initial procedure, and it sounds like a cervical smear test to the extreme. They might call this test something different abroad too. Basically it's a screen every three years where they stick a spatula up the *fill in amusing nickname here* and test the cells for early signs of cancer. I got called in automatically when I was 21 and got an unsympathetic nurse. I couldn't do the test. I literally could not calm down and let her get on with it, because I didn't want her anywhere near me. I know no-one likes having this test, but in the end they wrote me off as an unco-operative virgin. Does anyone else relate to this? Or do I need a stern telling-off? How do asexuals who have sex relate to this? It's the closest experience I have. I didn't think I was sex-averse, I can and do watch sex scenes in films, I can crack mucky jokes if you let me think long enough and I'll laugh along with most of sexual pop culture. But does this mean I'd be unable to let a guy near me in the future, or was it probably the medical setting? 2) Returning to the baby options, we have adoption. I love the idea of giving a home to a kid who hasn't got one, but being averse to spatulas probably isn't the best reason to do it. Adoption UK will consider single people these days, but only after you've jumped through all the approval hoops. And there are hardly any babies available thanks to the Pill, you're considering an older child who has probably been bounced around the care system for a few years and has problems of their own, like an alcoholic mum or convicted dad. Adoption is a wonderful thing to do but asks you for strength of character. Is it a good way to learn parenting from scratch? 3) Asking a random guy to sort me out. Hmm. He's unlikely to think much of that. Especially if I can't behave. Plus, of course, I'll automatically be a single mum who will have to move out of my shared house and run a home on one wage. This is also possible, but it's another thing to think about. Any ideas, AVEN? Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 IVF is difficult to go through. My aunt did 3 or 4 cycles of it. They harvest your eggs (big needle. in the belly. Ouch!) and then use the sperm from the donor (either your significant other, or from the sperm bank) and fertilize eggs in the dishes. While this is happening, you're injecting yourself with hormones a few times a day. Then they implant X number of embryos and, basically, see if they stick. It's rough, and there's a higher chance of multiples. But if you can handle the needles, and you have the funds (it's wildly expensive here in the States), then it is a viable option. Adoption is difficult all around. You might consider fostering first? And if your heart is set on an infant, there is always private adoption, where you don't go through an agency at all but you work directly with the birth parents. That's risky, though, as they could always decide at the last minute to not give up the child. Getting a guy to "fix" you? What's wrong with you? I don't see how this is an option at all, and I would toss it out a 10th story window without a safety net. There's nothing wrong with you and therefore, nothing to fix :) Another option is surrogacy. You won't get the experience of being pregnant, but you'll get a tiny infant that is from your egg, and you don't have to deal with the icky medical stuff. But this, too, is pricey. No matter what you choose, there are loads of options for single parents out there, especially now that the adoption world isn't looking at you like you're a three headed monster for having a heart AND being single. God forbid!! Link to post Share on other sites
Whofan York Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) Welcome, first of all. It's great that you want to be a parent. :) I really wouldn't know what's the best option for you. I think they have centers for planning parenthood or something like that? Maybe they can help there? Adopting an older child can be difficult for all the reasons you mentioned; they would probably have issues. But that's a part of being a parent, you know? Dealing with issues... Parenthood is not easy, ever, even if you've had your child since their birth. Sorry I'm not much of a helping person... will you still accept my ? :) Thanks so much for replying, mmm, nice cake What a great answer, there's hope in ways I hadn't thought of. Getting a guy to "fix" you? What's wrong with you? I don't see how this is an option at all, and I would toss it out a 10th story window without a safety net. There's nothing wrong with you and therefore, nothing to fix :) Best thing anyone said to me all year! Edited February 24, 2012 by Strivna Merged posts Link to post Share on other sites
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