Help Journalist Seeking Answers About Asexuality To Eliminate Judgment!

[Jillian_K]

Hey everyone! My name is Jillian. I'm not trying to invade the forum by any means, but I would love to help people who are closed minded and who choose to fear what they do not understand better comprehend what it is to be asexual. I write for a relationship and dating blog and would love to ask a few questions to anyone who is willing to chat. I can absolutely assure you that any and every thing I write will be composed to push understanding and eliminate discrimination. Is there anyone willing to open up? :)

[Sally]

Hey everyone! My name is Jillian. I'm not trying to invade the forum by any means, but I would love to help people who are closed minded and who choose to fear what they do not understand better comprehend what it is to be asexual. I write for a relationship and dating blog and would love to ask a few questions to anyone who is willing to chat. I can absolutely assure you that any and every thing I write will be composed to push understanding and eliminate discrimination. Is there anyone willing to open up? :)

Hi, Jillian. I think AVEN now has a policy of checking out the kind of request you're making, but I'm not sure. I'll PM a moderator to find out.

What blog are you talking about? People should probably know that.

PS: Here's what AVEN says about research -- but not sure what you're doing is research.

Researchers

•The AVEN Project Team is in charge of coordinating with researchers wanting to conduct research on AVEN. If you would like use AVEN to recruit research participants or use data from the AVEN forums, please read our policies about this and email research@asexuality.org. We also have a set of rules for students wanting to collect data for class papers.

[never odd or even]

yeah, i'm up for it :)

[Jillian_K]

Hey everyone! My name is Jillian. I'm not trying to invade the forum by any means, but I would love to help people who are closed minded and who choose to fear what they do not understand better comprehend what it is to be asexual. I write for a relationship and dating blog and would love to ask a few questions to anyone who is willing to chat. I can absolutely assure you that any and every thing I write will be composed to push understanding and eliminate discrimination. Is there anyone willing to open up? :)

Hi, Jillian. I think AVEN now has a policy of checking out the kind of request you're making, but I'm not sure. I'll PM a moderator to find out.

What blog are you talking about? People should probably know that.

PS: Here's what AVEN says about research -- but not sure what you're doing is research.

Researchers

•The AVEN Project Team is in charge of coordinating with researchers wanting to conduct research on AVEN. If you would like use AVEN to recruit research participants or use data from the AVEN forums, please read our policies about this and email research@asexuality.org. We also have a set of rules for students wanting to collect data for class papers.

Ahh! I'm so sorry! I write for www.blog.planetlovematch.com. We're basically a blog that ties into the online dating site Planet Love Match. I'm not trying to advertise. I was just interested in talking to some people and gaining new understanding. I completely respect policies and procedures. Sorry if I stepped on any toes and thank you for the heads up!

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

Hey everyone! My name is Jillian. I'm not trying to invade the forum by any means, but I would love to help people who are closed minded and who choose to fear what they do not understand better comprehend what it is to be asexual. I write for a relationship and dating blog and would love to ask a few questions to anyone who is willing to chat. I can absolutely assure you that any and every thing I write will be composed to push understanding and eliminate discrimination. Is there anyone willing to open up? :)

Hi, Jillian. I think AVEN now has a policy of checking out the kind of request you're making, but I'm not sure. I'll PM a moderator to find out.

What blog are you talking about? People should probably know that.

PS: Here's what AVEN says about research -- but not sure what you're doing is research.

Researchers

•The AVEN Project Team is in charge of coordinating with researchers wanting to conduct research on AVEN. If you would like use AVEN to recruit research participants or use data from the AVEN forums, please read our policies about this and email research@asexuality.org. We also have a set of rules for students wanting to collect data for class papers.

Ahh! I'm so sorry! I write for www.blog.planetlovematch.com. We're basically a blog that ties into the online dating site Planet Love Match. I'm not trying to advertise. I was just interested in talking to some people and gaining new understanding. I completely respect policies and procedures. Sorry if I stepped on any toes and thank you for the heads up!

For a blog that ties into a dating website, I think this is a marvellous idea. Too often, we hear from sexual people about how "abnormal" we are, and how any relationship we're in is doomed to fail if we don't have sex - for a dating site to actually come out and say that being asexual is normal and something to be accepted and respected is actually VERY admirable of you. Despite fitting into the Demisexual label (here's an explanation for that) more than the asexual label, I'll be happy to help you out if you're given permission to do some interviews.

[Jillian_K]

yeah, i'm up for it :)

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do this on here or not, but basically I was just wondering the following:

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

Thank you so much! I can keep all of this anonymous and would be more than happy to send the link your way once I finish writing the post. I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity to better understand asexuality!

-Jillian

[Jillian_K]

Hey everyone! My name is Jillian. I'm not trying to invade the forum by any means, but I would love to help people who are closed minded and who choose to fear what they do not understand better comprehend what it is to be asexual. I write for a relationship and dating blog and would love to ask a few questions to anyone who is willing to chat. I can absolutely assure you that any and every thing I write will be composed to push understanding and eliminate discrimination. Is there anyone willing to open up? :)

Hi, Jillian. I think AVEN now has a policy of checking out the kind of request you're making, but I'm not sure. I'll PM a moderator to find out.

What blog are you talking about? People should probably know that.

PS: Here's what AVEN says about research -- but not sure what you're doing is research.

Researchers

•The AVEN Project Team is in charge of coordinating with researchers wanting to conduct research on AVEN. If you would like use AVEN to recruit research participants or use data from the AVEN forums, please read our policies about this and email research@asexuality.org. We also have a set of rules for students wanting to collect data for class papers.

Ahh! I'm so sorry! I write for www.blog.planetlovematch.com. We're basically a blog that ties into the online dating site Planet Love Match. I'm not trying to advertise. I was just interested in talking to some people and gaining new understanding. I completely respect policies and procedures. Sorry if I stepped on any toes and thank you for the heads up!

For a blog that ties into a dating website, I think this is a marvellous idea. Too often, we hear from sexual people about how "abnormal" we are, and how any relationship we're in is doomed to fail if we don't have sex - for a dating site to actually come out and say that being asexual is normal and something to be accepted and respected is actually VERY admirable of you. Despite fitting into the Demisexual label (here's an explanation for that) more than the asexual label, I'll be happy to help you out if you're given permission to do some interviews.

That's amazing!! I've actually been talking with the people who operate the site and we will hopefully be adding an "asexual" niche pretty soon. One thing that I've learned with this job is that people like what they like and everyone operates differently. There's absolutely no use in judging someone or holding who they are against them. I would hate for someone to hold my sexuality against me, so I would certainly never hold your lack there of against you. Ya know? I feel like if more people took the time to comprehend what they don't understand, there'd be a lot less fear of the unknown and ultimately, a lot less discrimination! I'll definitely keep you posted on the online dating site. Hopefully that niche will be up soon.

And I have never heard of Demi sexual either! I'm learning tons today! :) Thanks for being so accepting of me!

[Måskemigselvetsted]

yeah, i'm up for it :)

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

I don't know wether I should wait for a mod or something to say that you are allowed? Hmm.. But I'll be looking forward to your article.

Question three isn't that hard, I think. I believe that it is much harder for an asexual to comprehend what it is like to feel sexual attraction than for a sexual to comprehend what it is like not to feel it. Because you do it all the time. Are you heterosexual? If so, imagine a girl, any girl. Someone from work maybe. How is it to meet her, talk to her, think about her? What you know feel *isn't* sexual attraction. Everyday people meet a bunch of people and wether they are sexual or asexual they doesn't feel sexually attracted to all of them. The difference is just that asexuals feel about everybody, like you felt about the aforementioned girl, where sexuals feel like that about most people instead of all.

The difficult part to understand might rather be how it is to feel romantic attraction toward somebody without the sexual aspect of it. And I hope somebody else has the time and energy to try to explain that, because, sorry, I'm in a huge lack of both at the moment.

Good luck with the article!

[Jillian_K]

yeah, i'm up for it :)

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

I don't know wether I should wait for a mod or something to say that you are allowed? Hmm.. But I'll be looking forward to your article.

Question three isn't that hard, I think. I believe that it is much harder for an asexual to comprehend what it is like to feel sexual attraction than for a sexual to comprehend what it is like not to feel it. Because you do it all the time. Are you heterosexual? If so, imagine a girl, any girl. Someone from work maybe. How is it to meet her, talk to her, think about her? What you know feel *isn't* sexual attraction. Everyday people meet a bunch of people and wether they are sexual or asexual they doesn't feel sexually attracted to all of them. The difference is just that asexuals feel about everybody, like you felt about the aforementioned girl, where sexuals feel like that about most people instead of all.

The difficult part to understand might rather be how it is to feel romantic attraction toward somebody without the sexual aspect of it. And I hope somebody else has the time and energy to try to explain that, because, sorry, I'm in a huge lack of both at the moment.

Good luck with the article!

Thank you for that explanation, and you're absolutely right. The better question would have been what is it like to feel romantic attraction without the sexual aspect. Anyone with time to answer, it would be much appreciated!

[michaeld]

The PT's proecdures at present only cover research requests. As this is more of a media request, we will not require the process to be followed.

Jillian: I'd just like to request that if you wish to quote a post from AVEN (in addition to the interviews you're conducting), please obtain the prior permission of the author.

- michaeld (AVEN PT)

[thylacine]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual? Well, all my life since young adulthood (I'm now 47) I could never understand what the heck everyone was always acting so crazy about... I read in the newspaper about this website and looked it up, and read up on stuff -- I realized there were other people like me.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get? I don't usually tell many people. I know too many people who are so bigoted, they don't like blacks, they don't like Hispanics, they don't like "those immigrants," they don't like this group of people, they don't like that group of people... why give them someone else to hate? I know a lot of Archie Bunker types where I live. I can't even tell people if I vote for a Democrat. I'll get trouble.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction? It's probably tough to explain to me, what it's like to feel sexual attraction... hell, I dunno. It's just not there. Your friends are constantly "checking out" this poor guy, "Isn't he cute?" I am like, what? Yeah, okay, he's good looking. So? I just feel like saying, Hey, calm down everybody, don't get over excited, will yah?

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex? I don't date these days. It's too complicated. [ I used to date, but it bored me to death. Doing laundry, cleaning out the cat's litter box, paying taxes, that stuff is more fun. (Okay, I have a bad sense of humor... )/i]

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people? Nope. If I turn on... I turn on a radio, I turn on a computer, I turn on the coffee pot... yeah, I can turn on! (Sorry, my sense of humor again... having a bad humor attack right now.)

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this? That we're people too. We can be intelligent, sensitive, creative human beings, who also contribute to society, we're just like everyone else, except we're asexual.

[Lady Heartilly]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I saw a news report when I was 19 about asexuality--specifically people who don't want to ever have sex--and it fit me to a T!

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

My family doesn't like that I'm different, and they've been trying to get me to be more "normal" my whole life, so this is no exception. As far as friends go, many of them were very accepting of it. I found that the more sexual the person I came out to was, the more difficult it was for them to accept. I told some people who were hypersexual, and they started talking to me about how I need to have sex immediately every time they saw me because it's so great and I don't know what I'm missing. My sexual friends who were less obsessed with it were fine with the news, though, and accepted me the way I am.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, when I'm attracted to someone, I feel all the blood rush to my face instead of my genitals, and I begin blushing and giggling and making a fool of myself just like most people who have a crush. When they get close to me, my heart starts racing, and I being trembling and smiling uncontrollably out of excitement, but once again, I feel nothing in my genitals. Essentially, it's the same feeling anyone else gets when they're attracted to someone but without the arousal and desire to see the other person naked and do things with his genitalia.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

I feel very fortunate when a guy is willing to be in a relationship with me without the sex, but it almost always eventually turns into a problem that causes us to split up. I'm worried that I'll never be able to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with because most guys eventually want to introduce sex to the relationship, and I don't.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

As far as I know, nothing turns me on. I get physically aroused after a long and intense make-out session, but I only notice that's happening down there if I really focus on it, and my attention isn't naturally drawn to it.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

We aren't broken. Most of us did not have a negative experience that caused us to stop wanting sex because there was never a point in time when we did want it. We aren't afraid of intimacy, but we do define intimacy differently than most people. We are just as capable of showing love and affection as everyone else, and not wanting sex does not automatically make us cold, frigid, or uninterested in relationships.

[Kotoko]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

Unlike many of my friends, I was never interested in dating or anything. I thought it would hit me sometime in high school like everyone else I knew, but it never happened. I guess once I got out of high school, I realized I was a bit different. I didn't have a name for it (i.e. I didn't know about asexuality as a sexual orientation) until a few years ago (I'm 23 now). I found the term on an Internet forum. I Googled it and came across AVEN and the rest is history.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

It's difficult to admit. Most people don't know about asexuality and most people are convinced that there's "someone out there for you somewhere". There's this common belief in our society that you need to partner up with someone so you won't be lonely, and unfortunately, sex is something that's deemed as an essential part of any relationship beyond friendship. So, to "come out" and admit you don't want all that, people will think you're broken or naive.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, I'm an aromantic asexual, which means I don't experience romantic OR sexual attraction. Basically, when I meet someone, I consider them a potential friend and nothing else. I can't seem to bring myself to think of them as anything more than a friend - they will never leave the "Friend Zone" so to speak. I couldn't tell you what it's like to be a romantic asexual, sorry!

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Again, as an aromantic asexual, I don't have any such relationships. If it counts for anything, when I listen to anything complicated about my friends' love and/or sex lives, I think to myself I'm glad I don't have to deal with all that!

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

I think some asexuals don't get turned on. For me, it happens occasionally but not very often - maybe once in a blue moon? I can't really describe why or how. I've read it being compared to an itch that you need to scratch and that's probably the closest I can get to it, as well. However, I'm not sexually attracted to anyone in particular. I don't see a hot guy and want to jump him or anything.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

We're not broken. We have no more mental health issues than the rest of the population. Our bodies work perfectly fine. We're normal people. You don't have to pity us or try to "fix" us because we're asexual - it doesn't mean we're lonely people doomed to eternal loneliness. We have family and friends, too, and find fulfillment in other parts of our lives. And lastly, asexuality exists.

[Nymzie]

I'm not sure if this will be any help for a dating site, because I'm also aromantic, but I like filling things out sooo here you go! You have permission to use this in your article :)

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I realized when I was 24. For a few years I had been wondering on and off why I had never gotten into dating when everyone else was acting like it was so important. I just could never make myself care about being in a relationship. Then one day in one of my classes asexuality was brought up. Later I googled it, found AVEN, and realized it fit me perfectly! It was the most freeing feeling in the world to find out I was asexual :)

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

When I told my parents the first thing they said was "You can still give us grandkids by adopting!" haha. Most people I tell, I tell in a completely nonchalant way, as if I think they already know I'm asexual. And they just roll with it. I haven't had a bad reaction yet.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

The only example I can think of is "what do you feel in your genitals when you hang out with your mom? I feel like that with everyone" but I'm not sure if bringing up people's moms and genitals is really appropriate. It is how it feels though.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Since I am both aromantic and asexual I do think there are a lot of advantages because I just get to be friends with everyone and never have those awkward intense feelings romantic sexuals, or even romantic asexuals, have. I feel like it makes my life much less complicated.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

I don't have a libido and I have never been turned on.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

That there is nothing wrong with being asexual. That it's not something that needs to be "fixed" and it is not caused by sexual trauma from our pasts. That we can be happy and whole without sex in our lives.

[Solthar]

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do this on here or not, but basically I was just wondering the following:

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I've known for quite some time I was 'different'. When people started hitting puberty, I'd sit back and watch everyone act like (no offense intended to you sexuals out there!) cats in heat, while I sat back and scratched my head asking 'why?'. I only found out the actual term for what I am earlier this year.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

I have not come out to any family, or people related to my family. They are quite openly disaproving of non-normative sexual orientations. As I value my family, despite their faults, I choose to keep silent.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

What does a Heterosexual man feel towards another man? Now, if you'd explain to me what exactly sexual attraction feels like, maybe I could further extrapolate. As it is, I have no other points of reference to answer this question with.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Yes and No, It's really a mixed bag. Relationships with sexuals tend to go sour if neither side is willing to compromise.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

I take it you're talking about Tumescence? It happens, rarely and quite randomly. There's no rhyme or reason to it. If you just leave it alone a minute or two later it's completely flaccid. Annoying, if anything else. I'm equate it to a biological system self-check <_< .

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

We don't need to be 'fixed'. we don't need to 'get laid'. We are sure, even though we have yet to (and some have even tried) 'try it out'.

Just accept us for who we are.

[Måskemigselvetsted]

Thank you for that explanation, and you're absolutely right. The better question would have been what is it like to feel romantic attraction without the sexual aspect. Anyone with time to answer, it would be much appreciated!

I'm procrastination again, so I'll try. But it is probably important to keep in mind, that there is a great possibility that it feels different for everyone. Sexual attraction isn't the same for everybody, is it?

But for me, it's like I can feel romantic attraction in different.. levels (?) toward people.

If it's strong (which I think have happened.. once? twice? With somebody I wasn't forced to be around most of the time and it disappeared mostly over time), it's like a pull toward a person. I want to be near him (I'm an heteroromatic ace), mostly. Not like an thought-trough tought, but a feeling that I want to me as close as possible to that person. I might want to hug, be able to lay my head on his shoulder etc.. Not like I fantasize about it (mostly, I try to ignore the feeling because I would never have the guts to do anything about it anyway). And that's always that long my thought-proces goes. I might think "how would it be to kiss him?" but that's very rare and, unlike the first mentioned feelings, nothing I.. feel? More like "I know ppl are supposed to want this if they care about someone, so do you want to do it?". The answer have always been no, but some asexuals do want to do it. I probably wouldn't mind. It's just nothing I *want*.

And if I should be unfortunatly enough to remember that people are supposed to want to have sex while seeing someone I feel attracted to? Well, it's the same as if I started thinking about it while seeing anybody else. Nothing. But an extra "you might really be asexual and what are all those feelings supposed to means?!" probably.

[Jillian_K]

The PT's proecdures at present only cover research requests. As this is more of a media request, we will not require the process to be followed.

Jillian: I'd just like to request that if you wish to quote a post from AVEN (in addition to the interviews you're conducting), please obtain the prior permission of the author.

- michaeld (AVEN PT)

Absolutely! Thank you so much!

[Jillian_K]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I saw a news report when I was 19 about asexuality--specifically people who don't want to ever have sex--and it fit me to a T!

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

My family doesn't like that I've different, and they've been trying to get me to be more "normal" my whole life, so this is no exception. As far as friends go, many of them were very accepting of it. I found that the more sexual the person I came out to was, the more difficult it was for them to accept. I told some people who were hypersexual, and they started talking to me about how I need to have sex immediately every time they saw me because it's so great and I don't know what I'm missing. My sexual friends who were less obsessed with it were fine with the news, though, and accepted me the way I am.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, when I'm attracted to someone, I feel all the blood rush to my face instead of my genitals, and I begin blushing and giggling and making a fool of myself just like most people who have a crush. When they get close to me, my heart starts racing, and I being trembling and smiling uncontrollably out of excitement, but once again, I feel nothing in my genitals. Essentially, it's the same feeling anyone else gets when they're attracted to someone but without the arousal and desire to see the other person naked and do things with his genitalia.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

I feel very fortunate when a guy is willing to be in a relationship with me without the sex, but it almost always eventually turns into a problem that causes us to split up. I'm worried that I'll never be able to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with because most guys eventually want to introduce sex to the relationship, and I don't.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

As far as I know, nothing turns me on. I get physically aroused only have a long and intense make-out session, but I only notice that's happening down there if I really focus on it, and my attention isn't naturally drawn to it.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

We aren't broken. Most of us did not have a negative experience that caused us to stop wanting sex because there was never a point in time when we did want it. We aren't afraid of intimacy, but we do define intimacy different than most people. We are just as capable of showing love and affection as everyone else, and not wanting sex does not automatically make us cold, frigid, or uninterested in relationships.

Your answers were really incredibly! Any chance I could quote you in the piece I'm writing? No need for a last name. A first name would be perfect and I can let you read the post as soon as I'm done!

[Jillian_K]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

Unlike many of my friends, I was never interested in dating or anything. I thought it would hit me sometime in high school like everyone else I knew, but it never happened. I guess once I got out of high school, I realized I was a bit different. I didn't have a name for it (i.e. I didn't know about asexuality as a sexual orientation) until a few years ago (I'm 23 now). I found the term on an Internet forum. I Googled it and came across AVEN and the rest is history.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

It's difficult to admit. Most people don't know about asexuality and most people are convinced that there's "someone out there for you somewhere". There's this common belief in our society that you need to partner up with someone so you won't be lonely, and unfortunately, sex is something that's deemed as an essential part of any relationship beyond friendship. So, to "come out" and admit you don't want all that, people will think you're broken or naive.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, I'm an aromantic asexual, which means I don't experience romantic OR sexual attraction. Basically, when I meet someone, I consider them a potential friend and nothing else. I can't seem to bring myself to think of them as anything more than a friend - they will never leave the "Friend Zone" so to speak. I couldn't tell you what it's like to be a romantic asexual, sorry!

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Again, as an aromantic asexual, I don't have any such relationships. If it counts for anything, when I listen to anything complicated about my friends' love and/or sex lives, I think to myself I'm glad I don't have to deal with all that!

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

I think some asexuals don't get turned on. For me, it happens occasionally but not very often - maybe once in a blue moon? I can't really describe why or how. I've read it being compared to an itch that you need to scratch and that's probably the closest I can get to it, as well. However, I'm not sexually attracted to anyone in particular. I don't see a hot guy and want to jump him or anything.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

We're not broken. We have no more mental health issues than the rest of the population. Our bodies work perfectly fine. We're normal people. You don't have to pity us or try to "fix" us because we're asexual - it doesn't mean we're lonely people doomed to eternal loneliness. We have family and friends, too, and find fulfillment in other parts of our lives. And lastly, asexuality exists.

Hey! Would you mind if I quote you in my story? You gave a lot of great information that I think would really help others understand asexuality. I don't need your last name if you're not comfortable with it. Your first name would absolutely work! Thanks!

[Jillian_K]

Asexual and Aromantic Blog Post

Hey everyone! Thank you for all of your help. I decided to focus on what it is to be aromantic and asexual first. Here is the first story of what will hopefully be many. Please let me know if any of the information needs to be reworded in any way, and thank you for being so willing to open up!

[Monahan]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

Recently. I was in a sexual relationship for 4 years, lost my virginity during it, and for the longest, thought I was sexual. Only to gradually lose interest in sex until it became a chore and something I used to get my (now ex)'s attention. It just wasn't as fun as I was led to believe. After some soul searching during this last year of being single, I realized that I liked the _idea_ of sex and I want babies, but not the actual application, and certainly not when it was in reference to me _with_ someone. And while I liked snuggling with people, I'm outright terrified of them getting horny because of me due to my inability to enjoy it as fully as they apparently do. It's frustrating and upsetting.

I know that my answer above seems to indicate that maybe it was my partner that drove me to this, but that has been what this last year has been about for me. Realizing that I've ALWAYS felt like this. I started the relationship with my first boyfriend in HS as a _decision_ to get involved with him (Second was also a _decision_. Not even getting drunk could make me lose control and have a roll in the hay with someone, because I've tried to get to that mindset too, and I just ended up losing interest in the act even _more_ and had to _decide_ to do it, as an active and sound-minded thing. Despite being unable to walk unaided to the bathroom.). Because dating was what you did in HS. Right? Everyone else was doing it. I thought everyone else was just trying to conform and pretend to be a certain way. Project a certain image. I assumed that everyone else simply believed that relationships were pretty things you collected as trophies and I didn't care to have those trophies or the reputation that having a bunch of such trophies gave you. However, my first romantic encounter ended a month later because the first time we kissed I was so squicked that I unconsciously began to drive him away by being a bitch and nag. At another point in HS, I was in a conversation with a guy-friend who told me that he told his parents my stance on dating; that I didn't want to date someone I wasn't willing to marry. He said they laughed for hours. (He later called me a lesbian because I refused to kiss him - the idea of kissing ANYONE was just so disgusting that I couldn't bring myself to do it. We're no longer friends.)

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

I told my parents, but they didn't really care because what does it really affect? I've only had two boyfriends and I'm almost thirty. One in high school that lasted a month before I lost interest, and one in my mid twenties that I was absolutely determined to make work out because... well. Tick Tock. ):

My entire group of friends are also alternative. I have one Trio-romance friendset. Several trans. At least one or two Bi or Gay. I've just stopped keeping track because it doesn't matter. I love them for the amazing people they are.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Upsetting sometimes. I'm new at this, so I'm still trying to come to terms with the idea that there really _isn't_ anything wrong with me. The media tells us that we should all have super libidos and get spoogie in the pants at the sight of Brad Pitt, but I don't think he's hot and the times I have said someone is hot, it's mostly because their voice makes me feel shivery inside, like Sean Connery's.

I'm capable of functioning sexually, but it takes a lot of concentration to enjoy it, and if it's going to be THAT MUCH work, why bother? I do wish I could just hop in bed with someone and be all screamy, but it's just not going to happen. I experience crushes, but they're easily forgotten. The actual anatomy... I try not to look at mine, and dude-bits are... well, I usually have the urge to laugh or cringe. Or both at the same time. Sea cucumbers.... Looking at these things doesn't fill me with the desire to have it in me, and the thought of a man with a hard on as he thinks of me makes me feel sick. Even if I LIKE the person romantically. As an experiment, I watched some porn. I was more turned on by the sight of a woman pleasuring herself with a dildo than a man and a woman going at it. Yaoi is just incomprehensable to me. I don't get it, or why people would think that's hot (no offence intended to those who DO like it. It's just not my cup of tea).

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

This... I have no idea. I'm capable of putting out if I have to, but it's so much work for so little payoff, and I don't want to get into a relationship that requires me to put so much into it without getting anything back. I'm holding off on any relationships for a while until I know for certain that I can find a relationship where my partner won't pressure me into having sex with them. I think this just leaves me back at square one, like I was in HS. But at least I'm more self aware of what I do and don't like in a relationship. I suppose its the same with any relationship. It's all a learning process.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

Lonely and annoying. But I have B.O.B. Usually I can ignore it away though.

Sometimes I indulge, out of boredom. My fascination with the idea of sex has waned considerably since losing my virginity. It's no longer the forbidden and un-experienced experience, thus it's lost its appeal. Been there, Tried that. YAWN! It usually happens on a cycle for me. I think it's hormone induced.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

That it's really not a _problem_ that needs fixing and offering to fix it by saying "You just haven't had good sex yet" is insulting an annoying and ensures that if _I_ had any vague interest in you before, I certainly don't now. It's like me telling you that dog poop is delicious! You just haven't had it prepared right.

Edited, because I realized my answers could have been explained better. And I really don't mind sharing.

[Janus the Fox]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I first realized is when asexuality was mentioned on TV. There was a person on there that felt exactly as I did! It did raise a few questions as to why no sexual desires ever existed for the last 10 years and I am 24.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

My family never excepted it, their reaction was an urgent doctors appointment for blood test, which came back as high prolactin which regulates sexual libido. I have not come out to anyone else due to this medical uncertanty, and fluid bisexual fantasies.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Never felt any significant attractions, there is the odd gut feeling and crush that comes and goes, sometimes with a sporadic mental image of a romantic nature.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Never had any urges to have any relationships, but if I did, it will not be for my own sexual gratification

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

As what I have observed, no physical material turns me on, I have a fetish for creativity and a few others, powerful bisexual fantasies does also get me going.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

To be a true asexual, one must have explored all possibilities, be sex-positive and be non-repulsed to the thought of sex. I for one is exploring bisexuality, so keep as open a mind as you can, rule everything out and dont conform to the asexual label as being celabate to sex. Ok, there are some broken people here, I for one is medically and psycologically broken, but there are some here that have had good upbringings, and without problems in their lives.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

Okie dokie lokie, let's give this a try:

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

Round about eight months (it feels longer than that, haha :D ). I always thought that I was "normal", but that the fact that I refused to date people I wasn't interested in - and refusing point blank to ever even CONSIDER having sex with a person who I wasn't in love with - was just a good moral choice on my part. I saw people my age going out and having loads of sex, and I never even dreamt that they had actual urges that made them do that - I assumed that they did it because it was enjoyable and that they had looser morals than myself (I bitterly regret having this mindset, actually - thinking about it in hindsight, I sounded like a bitch). Despite this, I based my idea of "true love" on including some kind of sexual feeling - I actually turned down a boy who I WAS in love with because I realised when he asked me out that I couldn't picture myself having sex with him. So I kept going with this mindset, until I was browsing TV Tropes and I found their page for Asexuality. I thought it sounded kind of interesting, but it was when I read that you could have romantic feelings and still be asexual that I really started paying attention. I looked through the Troper Tales section (which, sadly, isn't there anymore), and I was stunned by how a lot of the stories seemed to resonate with me. Yes, I fall in love, and yes, sex is something I'd do in specific circumstances - but it was only then that I realised that I SHOULD be feeling a need for it, and I wasn't. I did a bit more research, claimed the demisexual label and joined this site.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

When I first realised that I fit the asexual label better than a sexual one, I came out to a lot of close friends, both because I was so happy to know that I wasn't weird for feeling the way I did, and also so that I could be honest with them and let them get to know me a bit better. My first coming out, and probably the second worst (I MIGHT explain the worst later), was to my sister, and her reaction could be summed up as "Oh, don't be silly! You're just jumping to conclusions! After all, you don't ACT asexual!" (which made me facepalm - she's bisexual, and has been met with doubt more than once by close relatives, so you'd think she'd know better). Most of my friends were like "meh", while my mum...she was confused but supportive, saying that I should leave myself open to change (the whole "finding the right person" crap - what's awkward is that I DO just need to find the right person, but that's beside the point), but even if I never DID change, she'd still be supportive of me. Later on, she DID worry me by suggesting, when we were discussing her idea that I might have Aspergers Syndrome, that I might be asexual purely as a "symptom" of that - and there was also a comment at some point (related to this whole idea of "you might grow out of it") that I shouldn't "self-diagnose" myself as asexual when I'm so young. I also came out to a friend who made a lot of "But ALL relationships end in sex! If you insist otherwise, then you're going to be forever alone! why do you even WANT a boyfriend, anyway?" bullshit, and I also came out to some guys who were making REALLY awkward attempts to hit on me (at which point they congratulated me for being a virgin at the tender age of 18 - I know, right?). Nowadays? I keep it on a need-to-know basis. I can openly talk about it to people who know, but if a person doesn't know, I won't tell them until I need to. I pass as being heterosexual so well (although some people still think I'm a lesbian) that coming out just causes extra confusion - mostly since I don't "act asexual", and also because, if I WERE in a relationship, my behaviour wouldn't be any different than the usual. So there's no real point to it.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, what's it like to feel sexual attraction? I think the fact that I didn't have an answer to that for a LONG while means that I don't really experience it at all (I've had it once towards this one guy, but it comes and goes even for this ONE person - it's kinda weird). The closest I can come up with is this - you know what it's like to not be attracted to a person? Imagine if that's how it is with EVERYONE, even people you romantically love (except for the once-in-a-blue-moon exception, perhaps). That's my answer. It's only odd sometimes - with people who I feel I SHOULD be attracted to (like people I have crushes on, or people I find very handsome), I often TRY to imagine myself in those kinds of situations, but I can't - it feels weird, as if the thoughts I'm trying to think just do not belong in my head. I CAN have sexual thoughts and fantasies, but never about people I actually KNOW - always people who are "fictional" in some way. As well as that - I guess it kinda feels like having a mechanical body whilst still having human thoughts and feelings - with what your brain and heart are feeling and thinking being ignored by the body, which remains unchanging. I know that what I feel 95% of the time isn't sexual attraction, because like I said, I HAVE felt it - it basically felt, to me, like if I were standing in front of the guy (it's a long-distance friendship), then I could forget about the world and be completely unable to contain myself. I COULD think sexual things about him, and the thoughts felt very natural to me. And I could actually get turned on by TALKING to him - having actual fantasies about him almost blew my mind, it was so strange and nice. It was this that helped confirm to me that I was Demisexual instead of Asexual, because I knew I was only attracted to this guy because we're so close and I have on-off romantic feelings for him. So I partially understand what it's like to be sexual, too - kind of.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Never had one, so idk. However, my aceness, combined with my tomboyishness, makes a lot of people assume that I'm a lesbian - either that, or people come to see me as "one of the lads", or socially awkward/weird - which doesn't really attract members of the male species who don't share the same nerdy interests as me. The only boys I've ever been able to attract are D&D and anime nerds, but I guess that's part of the territory when you're a moderately attractive young girl who likes nerdy things.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

Certain materials do it for me. I don't watch porn, but I can read it - and I prefer yaoi porn to straight porn (look it up if you don't know what that is). And I fantasise about sex quite a lot, but again, not about people I actually know - more about scenarios between different people. It often doesn't do anything for me, but it's fun to think about.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

That we're not weird, we're not abnormal, and we're not machines. We're human - I mean, is it really THAT hard to imagine? Don't give us the same old bullshit we've heard a hundred times before - because let's be honest, most of you wouldn't say shit like "I bet I could fix you", or "You just need the right shag", or "How do you know if you don't try it?" to LGBT people, would you? And if you ARE part of the LGBT community - what the hell, guys?! You should KNOW what it's like to be mocked and not believed, don't bloody join in!

[michaeld]

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

To be a true asexual, one must have explored all possibilities, be sex-positive and be non-repulsed to the thought of sex.

I need to point out that the view expressed above is not shared by a very large part of the AVEN userbase. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction: nothing more, nothing less. It's quite possible to be asexual and sex-negative. It's also possible to be asexual and repulsed. (I'm a repulsed but sex-positive asexual.)

Further, most of us do not take the view that every single other possibility has to be systematically eliminated, with the asexual label being the very last resort. Most of us have not "explored all possibilities" before adopting the label aseuxal, any more than a typical heterosexual person has "explored all possibilities" before taking that label. If someone is not experiencing sexual over an extended period of time, it makes sense to adopt the label asexual. If this changes, people might change their identification to fluid, gray-A or even sexual. But as long as the asexual label makes sense for someone, we encourage them to use it.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

To be a true asexual, one must have explored all possibilities, be sex-positive and be non-repulsed to the thought of sex. I for one is exploring bisexuality, so keep as open a mind as you can, rule everything out and dont conform to the asexual label as being celabate to sex. Ok, there are some broken people here, I for one is medically and psycologically broken, but there are some here that have had good upbringings, and without problems in their lives.

...Really? No offence, but that's a bit of a slap in the face to the people who can't HELP but be repulsed by sex - for some aces (I'm not one of them, but still), it goes hand-in-hand with their lack of a need to have it. And you can't really "explore all possibilities" if you don't actually feel like exploring a single damn thing because you're not interested - that's so much like that erasing quote that so many of us hear, "How do you know you're asexual if you haven't tried it? I'm sure you just need a good shag and you'll be fixed!" that it's not even funny. Just had to point that out.

[The Great WTF]

I guess I'll add my two cents in here. I look forward to reading this article!

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I think I knew when I was fairly young that I was not going to be "attracted" to other people like my friends were starting to become, but I didn't discover and latch onto the title of asexual until I was 17.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

I've always been very upfront and honest about things, so I just told people outright whenever the subject came up. Most of my family was perfectly accepting, though I've always been considered a bit of an odd duck to them. My mother tries to avoid discussing sexuality altogether, so I think she was grateful when I told her I was asexual.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

The best analogy I can come up with is not craving a type of food. Think of someone you know that just LOVES a type of food that you don't really care about either way. My lack of sexual attraction works the same way. I don't favor any specific type of food.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

Not really. Any relationship I'm in could still be based on something else not really vital to the relationship.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

I have no libido, so I don't really get turned on. I'm not going to be much help in this area.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

That asexuality is not a problem, disease, or something that needs to be fixed or cured. It is not a psychological defect or a result of abuse. It does not mean that we can't fall in love or don't want to love, just that sex and love are not closely tied with us as they are with other people.

[Janus the Fox]

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

To be a true asexual, one must have explored all possibilities, be sex-positive and be non-repulsed to the thought of sex. I for one is exploring bisexuality, so keep as open a mind as you can, rule everything out and dont conform to the asexual label as being celabate to sex. Ok, there are some broken people here, I for one is medically and psycologically broken, but there are some here that have had good upbringings, and without problems in their lives.

...Really? No offence, but that's a bit of a slap in the face to the people who can't HELP but be repulsed by sex - for some aces (I'm not one of them, but still), it goes hand-in-hand with their lack of a need to have it. And you can't really "explore all possibilities" if you don't actually feel like exploring a single damn thing because you're not interested - that's so much like that erasing quote that so many of us hear, "How do you know you're asexual if you haven't tried it? I'm sure you just need a good shag and you'll be fixed!" that it's not even funny. Just had to point that out.

Didnt mean to be rude at all the "How do you know you're asexual if you haven't tried it" I here everywhere and it is getting on my nerves as well.

[Guest]

Hey Jill... I'm a sexual on AVEN and came here for help with my asexual-ish partner. I think the questions you've asked are great. The one thing I'd like to see is some discussion about sexual/asexual relationships. The differences in communicating love and desire (not just sexual desire, but that too) are pretty significant.

[Lady Heartilly]

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

I saw a news report when I was 19 about asexuality--specifically people who don't want to ever have sex--and it fit me to a T!

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

My family doesn't like that I'm different, and they've been trying to get me to be more "normal" my whole life, so this is no exception. As far as friends go, many of them were very accepting of it. I found that the more sexual the person I came out to was, the more difficult it was for them to accept. I told some people who were hypersexual, and they started talking to me about how I need to have sex immediately every time they saw me because it's so great and I don't know what I'm missing. My sexual friends who were less obsessed with it were fine with the news, though, and accepted me the way I am.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, when I'm attracted to someone, I feel all the blood rush to my face instead of my genitals, and I begin blushing and giggling and making a fool of myself just like most people who have a crush. When they get close to me, my heart starts racing, and I being trembling and smiling uncontrollably out of excitement, but once again, I feel nothing in my genitals. Essentially, it's the same feeling anyone else gets when they're attracted to someone but without the arousal and desire to see the other person naked and do things with his genitalia.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

I feel very fortunate when a guy is willing to be in a relationship with me without the sex, but it almost always eventually turns into a problem that causes us to split up. I'm worried that I'll never be able to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with because most guys eventually want to introduce sex to the relationship, and I don't.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

As far as I know, nothing turns me on. I get physically aroused after a long and intense make-out session, but I only notice that's happening down there if I really focus on it, and my attention isn't naturally drawn to it.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

We aren't broken. Most of us did not have a negative experience that caused us to stop wanting sex because there was never a point in time when we did want it. We aren't afraid of intimacy, but we do define intimacy differently than most people. We are just as capable of showing love and affection as everyone else, and not wanting sex does not automatically make us cold, frigid, or uninterested in relationships.

Your answers were really incredibly! Any chance I could quote you in the piece I'm writing? No need for a last name. A first name would be perfect and I can let you read the post as soon as I'm done!

Sure, that'd be awesome! :) My first name is Lisa. Also, I corrected my typos. Oops. >_<

[Jillianimal]

Another Jillian? I feel so weird now

1. When and how did you realize you were asexual?

Around 13 when I realized people were actually interested in having sex with each other for reasons other than making babies. Weird to find out I was the odd one out in that department.

2. I read on the site that it's not necessarily a matter of coming out, but is this something you're open with friends and family about? If so, was it difficult to admit? What kind of reactions did you get?

Yes. I was ridiculously scared when I came out to my mom (first outing) even though I knew she wouldn't disown me or anything. Reactions were pretty decent. The worst were things like "you shouldn't box yourself in" or "do you think the bullying had anything to do with it?" Annoying, but not too bad.

3. I know this is probably tough to explain, but what is it like to feel no sexual attraction?

Well, you don't feel sexually attracted to everyone, right? Think of someone you aren't sexually attracted to at all. That's pretty much what everyone else is like to me.

4. Do you feel that you are more advantageous in relationships because you know it's not based on sex?

No idea, but given the stories on here, probably not. Not really a problem for me though. I don't see a point in bothering myself to get into a romantic relationship. Too clingy for my taste.

5. I imagine you still get turned on, but being a sexual myself, I wonder how or what does that when you're not sexually attracted to other people?

The only sure thing that works for me is reading something erotic or recalling what I read. Not watching though, just reading. It has something to do with the activity. How the people involved are described is irrelevant.

6. What do you think is the most important thing for someone who doesn't understand asexuality to take away from this?

Asexuality is just as real, valid & relevant to society as any other sexual orientation. Every asexual is an individual. Learn before you clump.

Really appreciate you doing this for the asexual community, even if it wasn't directly for us to begin with