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Sexual Aromantic?


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The more I think about this and the more I talk to people, the more confused I am.

I've identified as aromantic for a few years now. I hate romance, it's suspicious, it grosses me out, it's a huge turn off for me, and don't even get me started on pet names. But I do want a life partner/best friend.

Now, the twist is... I am attracted to guys. I do have sex with someone I feel connected to, like how one would feel for a close friend. I don't have sex with anyone who is romantic or affectionate beyond a typical best friend because again it grosses me out. Casual sex isn't attractive to me either since I like having emotional bonds.

Would this define me as a aromantic heterosexual?

I'm just trying to figure out how to best explain myself to people that this exists and I'm not crazy beyond the possible crazy dog lady I will become in the future.

How have the rest of you aromantics (preferably, anyone who is sexual) come to accept and explain who you are?

I'm actually pretty happy being single and having close friends. But societal pressure and seeing all my friends having great affectionate relationships, getting engaged makes me feel extremely alone and envious that I can't have a relationship like "normal" people.

Are there any good resources for aromantics? There's such a lack of information for asexuals as is, and I feel aromantics are an even smaller subgroup, with aromantic heterosexual being even smaller than that. Closest thing I can find is a personality disorder, but I like having relationships with others, so I ruled that out.

Thanks for any input =)

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InfiniteConciousness

I think you will be able to find companionship (with added benifits) if you are willing to look hard enough. I am now asexual but once was a heterosexual who was aromantic but never really knew the name for it for at least 6 (and a bit) years.

If you get pressured into entering romantic relationships then just say you are not attracted to that person if you arn't yet ready to come out. I got told to chat a girl up at a birtday pary and I just put it off forever and the guy who was trying to get me to do it sooner or later started talking about something else. So there are ways around not being pushed into a relationship.

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I definitely feel very similarly as you. Although I still like casual sex.

I think I've come to accept myself as a sexual aromantic by first accepting that this is just a label, and labels are limiting. But labels also give me a simple way to describe myself as close as I can get to the real thing. For me, being a sexual aromantic is not a incapability of love - it's a lack of desire for the romantic aspects of a relationship that are typically viewed as "necessary." Similar to how an asexual individual can still have sex (they just do not desire it), I can still be in a relationship and do the romantic stuff (I just don't desire it.) It is simply another aspect of negotiation that would take place in my relationships.

And I explain myself just like that. "I'm aromantic. It doesn't mean I'm incapable of love, I just simply have to desire for the romantic aspects of the relationship." If I'm interested in the person, I usually wait to bring this up until I've proven that I am capable. I just seem a little distance at first because I find it hard to act out the "honeymoon" stage, but I definitely ensure I've proven my interest and care for the person before telling them. At that point, if this is a deal-breaker, I don't want to be in that relationship anyways.

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Hey all, definitely a sexual aromantic here.

How have the rest of you aromantics (preferably, anyone who is sexual) come to accept and explain who you are?

This probably wouldn't be as easy for most people, but I just be blunt about it. If my friends have an issue with it, then they probably aren't friends anyway. Besides that, I really couldn't care less what people think about me. Like I said, I understand this approach is tough for a lot of people and I wish you all the best of luck to find a way that works for you.

Good meeting you all (new to this forum) and hopefully I'll be an active member of the community! :)

Joe

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  • 2 weeks later...
Brynhild Tudor

Add me to the list! Although I label myself as an aromantic demisexual. Oh thank God, thank God, I'm not a freak! I wish you the very best of luck in finding a way and relationship that totally fulfills you and meets your needs, and when you have, please tell me how you did it. I can't even begin to tell you the pressure I feel from society to be in a romantic relationship where romance is required even though I've no interest in it and all I want is companionship and a life partner/best friend to possibly live with. I just love how people say "don't compromise your sense of self, be who you are" then turn around and say "well you have to negotiate relationships and do what you don't like sometimes and then you'll be happy." But that's so contradictory to me. I mean, what they're actually saying is *do* compromise your sense of self to a degree and do things that you otherwise wouldn't had you been given the choice, and by making them happy that's automatically supposed to make you happy.??? The online personality tests I've taken usually say I'm afraid of connection or have no interest in it, then imply or say outright that I should get some to be "normal." When in actuality, I long for it, and lots of people can see that because I'm very social and want to talk to people. But I can't come out and say I'm aromantic because hardly anyone knows what that is, and I'm get accused of making stuff up just to avoid the obligations/responsibilities that people say come with a relationship. I do agree that labels are limiting and would prefer not to use them, but they also do describe as closely and accurately as possible what I want. So when people ask me out of frustration "what *do* you want?" I'll be able to tell them.

I hope it will not be impossible to find...

Does anyone have any idea of the lonliness I feel and the societal pressure I'm under...

I'm not interested in casual sex either. And I do want committment. It would be nice to have a committed relationship. But again, "committed" and "romantic relationship" seem to go hand in hand in society. I hope the chances of finding what I want are bigger than society tells me, which is slim to none.

How nice it would be to go to dinner like I do with my family all the time, and that's not romantic. I can buy chocolate on any day of the week, not just Valentine's Day. And I never liked Valentine's Day. It never appealed to me. Guess what the general response was? "Well if you were in a relationship, it would!" No thanks. How nice it would be to have a friend to share your life with and when you walk down the street, people don't automatically gush and say, "you make such a cute couple!" I tried all those immature behaviors in my college days and they didn't work. They were a great social mask but I think some people could see through it, and they didn't work for me even though I tried to fit in.

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I certainly don't desire what society finds romantic. Yet I still would call myself a romantic asexual.

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Vampyremage

I'm much the same as Cazz. I don't really like "traditional" romance although I definitely consider myself to be a romantic asexual. I think there are gradients and deviations in how one is a romantic just like how one is an asexual or a sexual.

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I certainly don't desire what society finds romantic. Yet I still would call myself a romantic asexual.

Same.

Some sexuals (not the ones on AVEN) define romance based on sex - they think it's one and the same. Why are we doing the same thing by defining romance based on other behaviours? It isn't about that, it's about the emotions of the parties involved...jmo

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I certainly don't desire what society finds romantic. Yet I still would call myself a romantic asexual.

Me too. I would call myself asexual but heteroromantic. Yet when I read the 'romantic' takes by those that are sexual and aromantic, all I can think is..."hey, wait a minute, that sounds sort of cheeseball."

I mean authentic, unplanned sweet gestures - yay! But 'courtship' rituals seem a little formal and strange. I'm not a duck ;) (I'm sure ducks have courtship rituals, right?) haha.

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Btw, I find aromantic sexuality supremely interesting. Maybe because I have never experienced that state of being and it seems the most unknowable to me and I can't get a proper 'picture' in my head of what that would look like (or rather, feel like). If anyone wants to chat with their sexual opposite, pm me :)

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  • 1 month later...
snufflebottoms

Add me to the list! Although I label myself as an aromantic demisexual.

I'm not trying to bash you, but I'm confused as to how you are aromantic and demi. I thought demisexuals were peoeple who had sexual feelings only with romantic feelings? I could be wrong. I'm just confused.

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I'm much the same as Cazz. I don't really like "traditional" romance although I definitely consider myself to be a romantic asexual. I think there are gradients and deviations in how one is a romantic just like how one is an asexual or a sexual.

Agreed.. I think that what some people view as romantic, others can view as strange. For instance, I thought it was ridiculously romantic and adorable one Halloween when I went as a older, papery vampire and my boyfriend insisted I make him my progeny. And I definitely don't put sex and romance in the same category. While I prefer for there to be an emotional bond between me and my sexual partner, I don't need roses and a candlelit dinner to coax me into sex. Hell, a co-op on Gears of War for a while has more of a chance of making it happen! :lol:

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Add me to the list! Although I label myself as an aromantic demisexual.

Sometimes I myself think I may be this as well. I can become attracted to ppl but romance just turns me off.

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Add me to the list! Although I label myself as an aromantic demisexual.

I'm not trying to bash you, but I'm confused as to how you are aromantic and demi. I thought demisexuals were peoeple who had sexual feelings only with romantic feelings? I could be wrong. I'm just confused.

Perhaps the person is only sexually attracted to people when there is a prior emotional connection, like to close friends or something like that. I don't think the emotional connection must be romantic necessarily.

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snufflebottoms

Add me to the list! Although I label myself as an aromantic demisexual.

I'm not trying to bash you, but I'm confused as to how you are aromantic and demi. I thought demisexuals were peoeple who had sexual feelings only with romantic feelings? I could be wrong. I'm just confused.

Perhaps the person is only sexually attracted to people when there is a prior emotional connection, like to close friends or something like that. I don't think the emotional connection must be romantic necessarily.

Okay, I can see that.

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  • 5 months later...

What does being an aromantic sexual really feel like? I'm trying to avoid the 'player' or 'friends with benefits' stereotype.

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  • 1 month later...

What does being an aromantic sexual really feel like? I'm trying to avoid the 'player' or 'friends with benefits' stereotype.

The idea that I identify as aromantic heterosexual is a recent self-discovery. I am having difficulty describing to people how I feel without it sounding like FWB. Basically, I want to skip all that wooing and crap at the beginning of the relationship and jump straight to the part where I'm best friends with a person that I want to spend my life with, including having sex and possibly getting married/having a family. If anyone has any ideas for how to explain this to people who don't understand aromanticism, I'd love to hear them.

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Pretty much me. I'd like a romantic and best friends situation where the sexual-social protocol courtship blah blah is hopped over.

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Pretty much me. I'd like a romantic and best friends situation where the sexual-social protocol courtship blah blah is hopped over.

Yeah, that's basically what I'm looking for, minus the romantic part. I just find romantic gestures hopelessly cheesy and not at all attractive. (I mean, they're great for people who like romance. Just not for me.) I don't know how to be romantic, and I don't know how to respond when people do romantic things for me. It's just ridiculously awkward and I would just like to fast forward past that, plzkthanks.

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Pretty much me. I'd like a romantic and best friends situation where the sexual-social protocol courtship blah blah is hopped over.

Yeah, that's basically what I'm looking for, minus the romantic part. I just find romantic gestures hopelessly cheesy and not at all attractive. (I mean, they're great for people who like romance. Just not for me.) I don't know how to be romantic, and I don't know how to respond when people do romantic things for me. It's just ridiculously awkward and I would just like to fast forward past that, plzkthanks.

I think the a/romantic thing is about romantic attraction rather than romantic behavior. I'm sure there are romantics who don't care about expressing their love in traditional mushy gushy ways, but that doesn't mean that they don't experience romantic love.

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