Good and bad experiences with LGBT and queer communities

[Siggy]

I am preparing a presentation about asexuality for a LGBTQ college conference. You can contribute!

I want some asexual testimony on the following question:

What positive and negative experiences have you had when you've interacted with LGBTQ communities?

For example, did you come out to a queer group only to get funny looks? Or were you surprised to find acceptance and support? How did that make you feel?

I am looking for personal experiences, not general philosophizing. You are implicitly giving me permission to quote you, so keep it quotable.

Update as of Jan 19:

I am bumping this thread, because there are still at least a few weeks to contribute!

Test audiences said that they thought the negative experiences were more interesting, so they are more likely to make it in. They also preferred the longer descriptions. However, make sure that you use correct grammar and write in a way that is appropriate to quote in a presentation. If it is not in presentable form, I will be forced to paraphrase you, and neither of us wants that.

Update:

This project is no longer running, though you are still free to answer.

(Additional info: The conference is the Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference, held next March. It attracts about 750 college students a year, many of whom are organizers. I make no guarantees about your inclusion in my presentation.)

[Jockey]

As a transgendered asexual, I joined queer groups more for the T than the A, but found that being asexual made many queer spaces extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it was my discomfort- particularly when trans people were fetishized, or people came on to me, or the topics one week after the next were sexual- but sometimes organizers were uncomfortable knowing that they had an asexual person present and really clearly being uncomfortable with my presence during activities about sex. I'm not a prude, I'm just not sexual. I don't like it when gay rights sorts of people talk as though having lots of sex will solve world problems and straight people's problems are due to repressed sexual desires.

However, in the majority of queer spaces, and especially in transgender specific spaces, I've felt welcome. It's not that rare for trans people to at least have some past experience in which sex was an unattractive proposition to them, so people in that community were more likely to be understanding than were gays and lesbians. Even when people didn't understand, I've found that most queer spaces are places where people attempt to be accepting.

[bristrek]

I get a lot of 'how dare you call yourself queer or dare think you have anything to do with LGBT' and people trying to bring up some sort of oppression olympics. We haven't been beaten to death or been legislated against, explicitly, and we aren't even a proper sexuality that they're familiar with so we can't be queer. Lots of forgetting about the T in LGBT in order to do the argument that we aren't far enough away from heterosexual to be queer. I've seen people claim we're a fad on the internet too. Generally derided, mocked (especially the heteroromantic or aromantic) and denied access to their discussions and places. I've been told my view isn't valid because of this.

And I'll never forget the person who said that, to paraphrase, because we don't have a sexuality we ought to be raped, that we'd deserve it. And wouldn't take that back or show a hint of shame even when we called them out on what they'd said.

I've also seen some who are interested in us, willing to learn and accepting. Who recognise we're outside the heterosexual cisgendered 'norm' and as such embrace as some sort of queer if not exactly LGBT per se. Though some do think of us as a part of the LGBTetc expanded umbrella. I've walked in a Pride march behind the AVEN banner with nothing but positive responses from the people around me and honest curiosity.

It seems to be a black and white thing. Either we're a mockery and to be derided and spat at or we're fellow queer people who have our own unique experience outside the majority and thus to be embraced. No middle.

[Cow]

Honestly, I never know if the A stands for allies or asexual, and people keep telling me different things (and most local people keep telling me ally) and while I'm of course an ally, I wish I knew before going in in what context I'd be participating.

And I'll never forget the person who said that, to paraphrase, because we don't have a sexuality we ought to be raped, that we'd deserve it. And wouldn't take that back or show a hint of shame even when we called them out on what they'd said.

D:

[TSD]

The only LGBT experiences I've had are walking into the local LGBT resource center on campus here. They just put me in touch with another asexual on campus who volunteers and helps the center out a lot, so I didn't really get to know anyone there, but they were really friendly and seemed accepting.

[shiroishiryo]

I've met some accepting people in the LGBT community as well as some jerks who tried to tell me that I'm really gay and just am not admitting it to myself or, alternatively, haven't had my "sexual awakening" yet. I remember in particular this one guy who said something along the lines of "yeah I was pretty asexual before I came out of the closet, but then where I think our paths diverged is that I wanted to make those a relationships a part of my life and started approaching people." Honestly, I think that he was confusing asexual with celibate, though, because he said something about how he used to want to save sex for someone he loved. That and after he came out, he ended up having sex repeatedly with a guy he barely knew and they decided to make a relationship of it for the heck of it about half a year after continually hooking up. He really tried to convince me, though, that he was identical to how I am now, it's just that he "took the initiative" and "put himself out there" which leads me to the conclusion that he probably honestly thought asexuality to be an immature phase; a part of childhood that we all grow out of some point and "it's alright if you feel like that right now because you'll find someone someday if you put yourself out there and meet people."

Then again, I've gotten various other reactions within the LGBT community ranging from excitement (this was actually from a bisexual antisexual person) to support, to indifference. My favourite, by far, though has to be the people who kind of ignore what you just said and go on as if you never said you were asexual (and then never ever talk about it, even if you bring it up a few times after that, even if it's one-on-one). You know, like the way some parents do when their child tells them they're gay. "That's nice dear, do you want some more mashed potatoes?" But one person in particular who worked in my university's LGBT community was going to work with me to actually incorporate the asexual A into the university's LGBTQQA, but both my and her schedule ended up getting too busy and that project unfortunately fell by the wayside.

So there's a good little spectrum for you. Hope this helped.

[headshot]

It's only been recently that I've sought support and like-minded people in regards to asexuality so I don't have much experience with the LGBT community, but apparently my on-campus LGBT community doesn't have asexual representatives and will allow me to be a part of the group as an ally (despite them referring to it as a "straight alliance") but not as somebody who needs support. In general, I've noticed queer sexuals tend to be less understanding or accepting of my orientation than heterosexuals. So while I was disappointed when I found out there are no current groups at my university that will support asexuals, I'm not all that surprised that asexuality was denied a place in the LGBT community here.

That said, I've seen a lot of online LGBTQ communities that do have asexual representatives and do encompass asexual issues. But my offline experience hasn't been very fruitful. That's not to say I expect this to be the norm; I've just yet to personally experience the kind of tolerance one would expect to find in a group that... stresses tolerance.

[merkat82]

I came out to the LGBTQ group at my college (I've since graduated) and was met with indifference from others, and a bit of hostility and annoyance from the person running the group. It was as if I was looked at as purposely showing up to interfere with their activities and the meaning of the group. I quickly found out why - probably 90% of what they did was focused completely on sex, having sex, porn, genitalia, and condoms. I left after the second meeting, never to go back, and felt really isolated and alien in my sexuality (or lack thereof) for the rest of my attendance at the college. It left a fairly negative mark on me regarding LGBTQ groups.

I did attend a LGBTQ picnic in another city a year later, and found a group of people my age at it who were very kind and fun, though I didn't come out to them. A lesbian in the group got the wrong idea though and pursued me relentlessly, until I finally came out to her, and she screamed at me and threatened to physically harm me and called me a liar.

I've since moved back home and have nothing to do with the LGBTQ group here at all, due to my previous experiences. I have, however, made great friends with a handful of gay guys, and came out to one of them, and he completely 'got' it right off. I've talked to him about the hostility and being somewhat driven out and he said it's not just me, that it happens quite frequently in those groups for all sorts of reasons, that once you're out, you're out, and it ruins a whole string of potential partners for people sometimes.

[Ozy]

The LGBTQ group on my campus is called Queers and Allies and it is generally accepted that anything that isn't heteronormative is queer. It's very open and accepting and I think I have become a more compassionate person because of it. I think I've become more loving, accepting, willing to sacrifice, willing to fight, and more generous because of it. So many of the Qs and As I've met have greeted me with much the same kindness so I feel much more willing to offer my own kindness to the rest of the world now.

However, it wasn't really until this year (and I've been going for nearly three years) that I've started mentioning my asexuality and garnered reactions because of it. This year is also the first year where other Aces have attended Q&A. And they have all been greeted with tolerance and kindness.

I think it's obvious that I've had a good experience with my LGBTQ group, but I've seen the internet arguments where Aces are derided and mocked and forced to play the Oppression Olympics. Aces are told they need to get raped, or they're lying, or something is wrong or broken with them - just like what actual queers were told years ago. We're not dragged into the streets and beaten or burned, but we've been threatened with rape, been told that if only we had a certain kind of sex then we'd realize our heteronormative/queer/whatever ways. We don't suffer the blows and losses and horrors of the LGBTQ community, (and I'm not sure any Ace has been bullied about their sexuality to death, but I know many of our fellow Aces in high school feel so depressed and lonely because of it) but we do suffer marginalization, disbelief, and prejudice. We've got privilege when we can pass, and we've got the everything else that goes with queer when we have a partner that satisfies queer categorization, and we have the added fun of also explaining that the things we're passing as aren't the things we actually are.

(Bisexuals have this in common - they'll sometimes pass as something other than what they are and if they have the opportunity to explain themselves they're faced with disbelief and prejudice. Except they actually will get beaten in the streets too along with that.)

And to some degree I understand why LGBTQ people wouldn't want people that can so easily "pass" to talk about being queer, on the other hand, I think if that continues, the LGBTQ community is passing up a potentially powerful (and I believe, accepting) ally. And it's not like we don't understand being marginalized or called crazy or liars or dysfunctional or disabled. I think it's important for the Queer and Asexual communities (if indeed they're separate) to work together.

My personal experiences with the LGBTQ community is still growing and building and developing. On campus it's a wonderful, awesome experience and I can talk about my asexy issues and be respected for them. I've talked to the big ancient gay rights go-getters from the begining of time and shaken hands with them, and although I haven't talked to them about asexuality, it's also not... exactly the point.

LGBTQ has always been about human rights. About creating a place where it's safe to have the feelings you have, be who you are, and be accepted for it and not shamed. In the same way AVEN is created to be the safe place to be Ace and to educate and to speak to the world. Well, in the same way, but not quite. And while I don't like the... odd divide between us as communities, at least to some people, I don't actually experience a lot of it at my LGBTQ group.

In many ways, I think LGBTQ communities are about fighting for rights, and I think Asexy communities are there to continue to question the foundation of sexuality (much like the way LGBTQ issues started out.)

At most, I think I get suspicious glances when I say stuff sometimes, but I intend to speak out about that and open a discussion.

My experience in a few words: Accepted with open arms. ~<3

[Changed773]

The only LGBTQ things I've seen have been on Livejournal. And it was never pleasant :/

I think people don't believe or accept or even want to admit that asexuals suffer some degree of discrimination, too, and feel we are "co-opting" on their pain just to be noticed. At least, that's what I've noticed and heard from some online LGBTQ members.

[Tabula Rasa]

I've recently joined a LGBTQ group on campus as an ally. I let them know I'm asexual, and I was welcome.

[Aiko_spacer]

I don't think I would want to go to a LGBT it seems very sex and love based, I don't think there even was one at my school tbh.

the only thing I'v seen is how the internet thinks of us, like we need a good rape, we can't get laid, and crap like that.

Also aromantics are totasly hetroromantic guys ! /sarcasm

yeah because not showing interest in the opposite sex royally proves your herto .... ho I mean closeted homosexual, duh.

Or even worse.

[Code11]

I am preparing a presentation about asexuality for a LGBTQ college conference. You can contribute!

I want some asexual testimony on the following question:

What positive and negative experiences have you had when you've interacted with LGBTQ communities?

For example, did you come out to a queer group only to get funny looks? Or were you surprised to find acceptance and support? How did that make you feel?

I am looking for personal experiences, not general philosophizing. You are implicitly giving me permission to quote you, so keep it quotable.

(Additional info: The conference is the Western Regional LGBTQIA College Conference, held next March. It attracts about 750 college students a year, many of whom are organizers. I make no guarantees about your inclusion in my presentation.)

Well, I haven't had many experiences, being rather new to this, but: I'm a member of a local Rainbow Alliance. Last week was National Coming Out Week, and we had a 'shout out' activity. I asked if I could participate, was told absolutely yes, and among all the people coming out as or talking about being GLBTQ etc, went up when it was my turn and talked about being asexual. I received no negative comments at all, was told that the "A" in GLBTQA could absolutely stand for asexual, and have continued to have enjoyable conversations etc with the other members. I go to events as well, from poetry readings to movie screenings to dances, and have yet to feel excluded or like it is irrelevant. So, positive experiences, there's one.

[Siggy]

Just a small comment, just to say that I haven't disappeared or forgotten about this thread. I love the responses so far!

Just keep in mind that I'm looking for short quotables of personal experiences, rather than generalizations. You still have plenty of time to participate, since the presentation is in March.

[Sally]

In the 90s I joined an AIDS advocacy group (Act-Up) which was all-gay/lesbian except for a couple of hetero people with AIDS, and me. The only reason I joined was to work on AIDS medication issues. Several lesbians assumed I was considering "becoming" lesbian and pursued me to go to clubs/gatherings/etc. and wouldn't listen when I said I was firmly heterosexual (I didn't know about asexuality then; that would have completely blown their minds, I think). They finally got so annoying I quit the group. I have had and have now individual lesbian and gay friends, but don't participate in groups. I have to tell my friends sometimes that I don't really want to hear about sex stories.

It seems that college-age people have had mostly good experiences. I wonder about post-college-age asexuals, who would be dealing with GLBT groups not on campuses. Those experiences might be different, so I don't think taking the college-age experiences as the norm would be fair.

[asexualjoe6pack]

I discovered am transgendered and Asexual also,I am reading with my Kindle, The Lazy Crossdresser - by Charles Anders.I went into a chat room and a guy wanted to cyber also,gross for me.I am going thinking about finding a transgender group in a church,am a little lucky, I live in a center of a gay community,I hope this helps. 8)

As a transgendered asexual, I joined queer groups more for the T than the A, but found that being asexual made many queer spaces extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it was my discomfort- particularly when trans people were fetishized, or people came on to me, or the topics one week after the next were sexual- but sometimes organizers were uncomfortable knowing that they had an asexual person present and really clearly being uncomfortable with my presence during activities about sex. I'm not a prude, I'm just not sexual. I don't like it when gay rights sorts of people talk as though having lots of sex will solve world problems and straight people's problems are due to repressed sexual desires.

However, in the majority of queer spaces, and especially in transgender specific spaces, I've felt welcome. It's not that rare for trans people to at least have some past experience in which sex was an unattractive proposition to them, so people in that community were more likely to be understanding than were gays and lesbians. Even when people didn't understand, I've found that most queer spaces are places where people attempt to be accepting.

[mackat5]

The local GLBT group as accepted me both when I identified as hetero and now as an asexual. And there's a MCC that I've gone to in the evening for years that also has accepted me both ways.(mainly GLBT but accepts all people) And most people in both groups know that I'm ace.

[Epochryphal]

The only LGBT experiences I've had are walking into the local LGBT resource center on campus here. They just put me in touch with another asexual on campus who volunteers and helps the center out a lot, so I didn't really get to know anyone there, but they were really friendly and seemed accepting.

Yayyyy. :lol:

I started out scared and bi, found the center and immediately identified as trans, and got really involved. I only found asexuality once I was already immersed in the community, and as an increasingly vocal member I felt safe and comfortable enough to advocate for ace inclusion. Everyone has been supportive and welcoming. The staff didn't do much activism themselves, but they encouraged me to as a volunteer, and now that I'm an intern there I see how much work they have to do just around LGBT education and I understand. I was able to bring David Jay (!!) to host a discussion, and the way we talked about intimacy was really well received by attendees.

My experience has been genuine, benign curiosity and emotional support. There are always things that don't get thought about (and that's true around all sorts of identities - trans, intersex, ace, class, race, ability, citizen, etc.), but they take suggestion/correction well. We've had lots of discussions about the LGBTIQQAAetc acronym, and when they expand it they do include two A's, one for Allies and one for Asexuals. Their/our stance is that anyone who identifies as queer, is, and that it can absolutely include asexuals or anyone who disidentifies with heteronormativity, really. To which I say, rock on.

[Werekitten]

I haven't been to an LGBT group in about 6 six years, when I was 17, and at the time I didn't really know what asexuality was to come out, but looking back I think that I definitely would have been met with friendly curiousity by most, disbelief by a few, but definitely no hostility.

[Starred]

When I went to the Club and Organization Fair at the beginning of the year last year, I talked with the Rainbow Alliance table about how accepting they were about asexuals. The president at the time said she wasn't familiar with asexuality, but then didn't proceed to ask anything and spoke with someone else.

This put me off until this year, one of the new core team members had heard me mention in my Philosophy of Feminism class about my asexuality. Since then she has pulled me into Rainbow Alliance. I was sought out to speak on a panel during Coming Out Month. I have since had people coming up and asking questions, showing interest, hoping I am able to bring together more local asexuals to upcoming events like our HomOcoming Nov. 12 (formal dance). I can't make it to the weekly meetings, but people post on my facebook about how much of an impact I had, about the dialogue developing around asexuality now within Rainbow Alliance, and just to give [all] positive feedback. I am hoping that as my relationship with Rainbow Alliance grows, so too will the knowledge about asexuality and the greater acceptance by members of this community.

[inter\m/ent]

If you PM me a contact email, I can send you or the relevant person some material reflecting intolerance at an LGBTI conference here and I'd rather you quote my real name so I don't have to switch to a new profile.

[WünderBâhr]

Moving topic to Asexual Musings and Rantings forum. You may continue to post/comment there. :) Thank you.

Bipolar Bear

Asexual Q&A co-Mod

[geebowie]

I have been to one Transgender support group meeting and I did not care for it. It was mostly MTF I felt as a genderqueer I got a what are you doing her type of attitude form some of the people. the group did not talk that much about Sex form what I can remember. however in reading transgender anthologies it bugs me how much there is about sex in them.

[Saineolaí]

Nothing but positive experiences for me, I'm thrilled to say :) . In particular I'll always remember that on my first day of college, when all the different societies and clubs were running stands out in the front square, encouraging new students to join, I approached the LGBT society and started a conversation. When I told the two attendants I was an asexual, they immediately beamed and enthusiastically replied "Oh, brilliant! You should join! We need a vowel!". I've only had good experiences with the LGBT students since (who, by the way, never hesitate to refer to me as "queer"). As previous posters have suggested, this acceptance is probably also related to the notoriously liberal environment of colleges in general, but in my personal experience the (thankfully rare) negative responses to my sexuality have so far all sprung from the mouths of heterosexuals. -_-

[Jimithy]

I've recently stumbled across new friends in a chatroom and a few of them are transmen. I told them all about my asexuality and they said that they didn't care, that they still loved and accepted me. Now, I believe them, but I also get the feeling that they think I'm some sort of "loveless moral support" person who's just there. It kind of irks me a little.

Also, they complain about how much sadness they suffer from, but assume that I don't get upset or put down by my sexuality as easily as they are. And I actually do get put down quite a lot. I mean, at least people know what trangenders are. Most people assume I'm joking when I tell them about my sexuality.

[Old_Bean]

Dunno if it counts as LGBT community but i came out as ace to a group of furries and they were all cool with it.

[Siggy]

I am bumping this thread, because there are still at least a few weeks to contribute!

Test audiences said that they thought the negative experiences were more interesting, so they are more likely to make it in. They also preferred the longer descriptions. However, make sure that you use correct grammar and write in a way that is appropriate to quote in a presentation. If it is not in presentable form, I will be forced to paraphrase you, and neither of us wants that.

[Orlok]

I spent about four years wandering the chat rooms of a 'gay' dating website called "Out Personals," and another called "Manhunt." During my time there I was asked all sorts of uncomfortable questions, that I thought were normal, things like "Hey, you wanna meet up and I'll eat your asshole out?" And I'd always set up 'appointments' with these random men, but I'd never show up. I got a real kick out of that, building up a pervert's hope and then shooting them down, it was glorious and tragic at the same time. I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself, the excessive masturbation, the web-camming, the chats with random perverts for local 'hookups.' It was all so much fun at the time that I didn't care if I got in trouble. Then one day I realized that what I was doing was self-destructive, and that I needed to stop as soon as possible. And I did, but that doesn't erase the images of stretched anuses, erect penises and hairy mouths dripping semen from my mind. I am scarred, I am desensitized. For life. Nothing I can do or say will take it all away, and so I became anti-sexual- as it was the only sane thing I could do. And that's my story of a negative experience with the LBGT community. I hope that helps, I hope it was informative.

[Siggy]

Orlok... I don't think that is an appropriate anecdote for this context. Keep in mind this is a visibility project. I'm not going to tell people how you trolled gay dating websites, and how all you can think about is how it was a negative experience for you. Srsly

[Stormy Wether]

I spent about four years wandering the chat rooms of a 'gay' dating website called "Out Personals," and another called "Manhunt." During my time there I was asked all sorts of uncomfortable questions, that I thought were normal, things like "Hey, you wanna meet up and I'll eat your asshole out?" And I'd always set up 'appointments' with these random men, but I'd never show up. I got a real kick out of that, building up a pervert's hope and then shooting them down, it was glorious and tragic at the same time. I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself, the excessive masturbation, the web-camming, the chats with random perverts for local 'hookups.' It was all so much fun at the time that I didn't care if I got in trouble. Then one day I realized that what I was doing was self-destructive, and that I needed to stop as soon as possible. And I did, but that doesn't erase the images of stretched anuses, erect penises and hairy mouths dripping semen from my mind. I am scarred, I am desensitized. For life. Nothing I can do or say will take it all away, and so I became anti-sexual- as it was the only sane thing I could do. And that's my story of a negative experience with the LBGT community. I hope that helps, I hope it was informative.

Aren't you ashamed of how you behaved?