AVEN & Asexuality: The impact of community

[WünderBâhr]

Session 1 - "AVEN & Asexuality: The impact of community"

Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction.

That is the definition of asexuality used here on AVEN (Asexual Visibiliy and Education Network). Many asexuals have known about their asexuality long before encountering the AVEN website--even if they didn't have the exact words to describe their feelings or general understanding of themselves. Asexual identity isn't strictly tied to AVEN. However, it currently remains the world's largest online asexual community as well as a large archive of resources on asexuality. We have a specific forum for questions about asexuality that are in need of answers, the Asexual Q&A. We also have AVENWiki that contains asexuality-related information, such as definitions, media appearances etc.

So, think about the time before you came across AVEN and think about how things are now.

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Many asexual people feel like they are the only one not interested in sex. But within the AVEN community, it's possible to ask questions and discuss a variety of topics with people who've had similar experiences.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

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This is the first of many Q&A Sessions to come. We encourage discussion on whatever your personal experience and/or opinions may be on the matter. Please try to stay on topic as much as possible and refer to our Discussion thread to add suggestions or comments about the overall project/sessions there. If you disagree with a poster, keep in mind this is for our project and spamming the thread is not acceptable. Please remember that this thread is under the AVEN Guidelines and the ToS. You agree that the site administrators and moderators have the right to remove, edit or move posts in the Q&A Sessions threads as needed. By participating, you also agree that your post can be used as part of the Q&A FAQ Update.

Thanks for your input,

Bipolar Bear, Nalle and Tanwen

[There Is No Cure]

This has been most wonderful! I have only been a member for a few days and yet I have found so much support! I sort of thought I was asexual until I found AVEN and began avidly researching it. It's been a major help in figuring out who I am and helping me with the problems I face as an asexual! <3

[Almagest]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

After finding AVEN, I discovered just how wide the range of asexuality was (gray-A, romantic orientation, repulsed vs positive, etc.). I now have a wealth of knowledge about asexuality that makes it easier to explain to people. As for my self-identification, AVEN helped me realize I'm an aromantic asexual.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Definitely. I know I'm not a freak now. That there are others who feel the same way I do (or lack thereof).

[Pandoren]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

I too have learned about the range of labels and definitions available and have been able to question myself and refine my identity into words. I identified as gay before finding out asexual was an option and now I'm grey or demi-romantic asexual.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Unlike a lot of people on the forum, I never felt broken. I thought I was normal and most people around me were morons. I guess finding out that I'm the one who is different has made me at least attempt to understand sexual people. AVEN has at least made me understand the theory even if I can't understand the actual concept.

[Gizmo]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

It hasn't really impacted the way I feel about asexuality. Growing up I knew I was different when it came to sex. I knew I wasn't straight and for awhile thought I might be a lesbian, yet I didn't feel any different toward girls then boys, so thought that I was bi. However I knew that didn't fit. It really didn't affect me much. I am different in other ways too, so it was just another difference. I figured that sex just wasn't something anyone cared about until they had it. In college I had a bf who wanted sex so I went along with it after dating him for a year. We had sex every where and every way. I was trying to figure out how I liked it... since everyone likes sex of course... at least that is what I thought! That relationship ended and after a while I found myself being relieved and very happy that I didn't have to think about sex or have it or any of that. Later I started dating again, the people I dated wanted sex... and I didn't. I started to get frustrated and thought something must be wrong with me. I went to the doctor, they ran some test, nothing was amiss. So one day I was losing it with frustration and was crying 'cause I couldn't fix this sex thing and didn't think anyone would want to be with me... I googled "I don't like sex" into the search bar in hopes that something would come up! I was actually looking for a cure at the time to be honest. AVEN was the first link, I clicked it, read the FAQs and I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life.

Discovering AVEN has let me know that there are other people like me. It also gave me a term I could use when describing myself, which has a very powerful feeling. Wondering around not knowing what I was was a bit painful. Now I know and I love it. There are still days that I wish I was sexual, but all in all I am happy now. The days that I am feeling down I can come here and it makes me happy again. It has been more than helpful to know that I am not alone and that there is nothing wrong with me.

[Nezumi]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

It gave me the terms to know what I am. And gve me the knowledge to talk about it with others and not sound like I was just making stuff up. Aven educated me on myself. Which I find a great thing.

It impacted me by telling me that it was ok, that I wasn't broken or crazy. There were a lot on people like me.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Yes, it makes me fell least like an odd little human to be experimented on. And gives me other people to talk to if I need help.

[Adriatic]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Well, I had no idea there were so many others, for one thing, so I didn't even really know there was anything to identify with. It's also led me to start rethinking some of my issues about gender (or beginning to poke them with a stick again rather than walking away and pretending they're not there), which was completely unexpected.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Absolutely. Although the day I first found AVEN I remember coming very close to tears at one point when I realised, no, I wasn't going to be able to force myself to want sex, and so life was going to be a lot more difficult... but from the next day, yes, absolutely.

[Hermathena]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Before AVEN I didnt understand who I was and what I felt . It was hell feeling something was wrong with you but not exactly knowning what and how you can correct it. AVEN and its resources (both the forum and the wiki) helped me not only to self-identify but also to find the words to describe myself to others and also helped me understand that being different does not also mean being wrong

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

And Yes offcourse finding out that there are other people in the world with similar feelings as myself was the best thing AVEN did for me apart from helping me find my identity . Even if I am still alone , I dont feel so lonely anymore , at least now I know there are others like me out there somewhere and this gives me courage to carry on.

[TSD]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

I had only first heard the term "Asexual" about 3 minutes before finding AVEN, so I would say AVEN defined the term for me. Before I knew asexuality was an option, I realized I was different from everyone else, and this lead me to switch between thinking: 1) I'm a freak/broken/etc., or 2) Everyone else is really inexplicably strange (or, in my more bigoted and less thoughtful moments, stupid) to go through so much effort and often risk for sex. Both of those are, of course, wrong. Once I knew that asexuality was an option, both myself and other people started to make a lot more sense to me.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

This has probably been the most important thing about AVEN. It made me feel less broken, and reassured me that it was actually OK to not care for sex. Oddly enough, this removed much of the pressure that told me "You must have sex!!!", which made me less disgusted/bothered by sex. So I guess finding AVEN may have led me to be less anti-sexual and more asexual, simply by virtue of no longer feeling pressured by everyone around me.

[JJButterworth]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

In a word, immensely. Before I discovered AVEN I had only a basic understanding of what asexuality was. I thought that the only type of asexual was a nonlibidoist (something that that I am not). Now, I know that asexuality is more of a spectrum then a label, with multiple identities within it. Before joining AVEN my sexual identity changed like the wind, now I can say that I am asexual with confidence.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Knowledge that I am not only one helps in the sense I compare my experiences to the community's and see if there is overlap. Also, it easier to face something with people behind you, the suport form AVEN members is outstanding.

[Trix]

So, think about the time before you came across AVEN and think about how things are now.

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Before finding AVEN, I was not aware of "asexuality" as a concept. I did not have language to describe my experience. I tried unsuccessfully to describe my experience in terms that mainstream society provided, and felt variously broken or fake. Before finding AVEN, it felt kind of like living as an agnostic in a country where everyone is Christian (heterosexual), and you are definitely thought to be Christian, you even believe it yourself and wear a cross and go to church. But there is a nagging doubt in your mind and body that says you don't quite fit in, you are faking it, you will be discovered one day. As neither you nor anybody else have any concept that it's possible to be agnostic (asexual) in your heart, your only conceptual alternative is to start questioning whether you're really a different sect of Christianity. Then you discover that there are other religions and that's revolutionary, and they are frowned upon by most people. You know you are different and you set about figuring out which religion you are. Then it dawns on you (with the help of AVEN) that it's not actually necessary for you to adhere to ANY religion.

It's difficult to describe the tremendous relief of discovering that you're not required to take on a sexual orientation, when your entire old (shaky and never been adequate) way of interpreting the world gets shattered and then the world suddenly starts making sense, but I hope this comes close. I remember the day I realized that I was asexual. Before that, sexual attraction had always been a mystery to me, but since everybody was using the phrase, I assumed it was something that I was also experiencing, and tried to attach the words to something in my own lived experience. I figured that it might be sexual attraction when I liked a person, or when I wanted to look at them or touch them or be touched by them. It was freaky and surreal, I never knew for sure whether I was feeling it or not, whether something sexual was going on between me or another person or not, so I lived with this huge inhibition of trying to not give the wrong sexual signals to people, and at the same time not quite knowing what those signals were. It's surreal and scary and crazy-making, living a life trying to play by the rules when you don't even know what the game is, but everyone tells you that of course you know what it is, and nobody really explains anything. Even you think that you should know. Until the amazing possibility occurs to you that perhaps you are not feeling what everybody else is feeling. Wow! I remember the day that that realization really penetrated, after finding AVEN: "I can be different. My god, there are others. This is actually a legitimate human experience!" I kept coming back and reading more stories and crying with recognition and relief. I needed to have the asexual option reflected back to me by the world before I felt strong enough to claim it for myself. One day I realized I didn't have to always run a background program of worry whether I or another person was feeling something sexual: I let myself off the hook by saying - I don't actually feel that, and they are free to feel whatever they want to, it's not my responsibility to figure it out, and I am not causing them to feel whatever they feel. I went out of the house with such a lightness, freedom and ease, finally dared to look people straight in the eyes and be as friendly to them as I wanted, without feeling I should guard myself.

This trend has continued, and has done wonders for the way I show up in the world and around people, I feel so free now to be myself and discuss anything about relationships or sexuality, because I know that all I have to do is to check in with myself and say what's true, rather than try hard to find a socially acceptable way to frame myself in terms that other people will find digestible. Since finding my own ground under my feet, I have been experimenting with various forms of physical and emotional intimacy, and am extremely interested in redefining the whole way we look at relationships. I have connected with people who are themselves unsatisfied with, and willing to question established ways, and together we keep discovering what is real for each of us, what our needs are, and how they can be met in relationship. It's an ongoing process of building new models for relating, and I feel very happy about it! My life has been turned around into something genuine and authentic.

[Tanwen]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways?

How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

AVEN has grown out of all recognition to the small community it was when I first discovered it. We've sort of 'grown up' together I've met some amazing people both on line and in rl...thanks to my AVEN buddies, I had an incredible 60th birthday. It was the best one ever!!! I've said before that I have been challenged in so many ways, most of my prejudices have been destroyed - in many ways I am not the same person I was almost 6 years ago.

I knew nothing of asexuality before I found AVEN, when I did, I was thinking WOW :o :o :o :o :o and there are many days when that feeling returns as I read the posts in the Welcome Forum.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Having been told all my life that I was a freak, frigid, a ****teaser, after all those years, I can accept myself as I am, and can stop trying to be the person society says I should be.

[Amputation Defenestration]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

AVEN has definitely impacted my view on asexuality. Before I researched asexuality and discovered AVEN, I was very frustrated by the differences between myself and everyone around me, but I had no idea there was a name for my experience. It was a tremendous relief to finally find out that what I was feeling (or rather, wasn't feeling) was legitimate and named, and as a result of this community I've become more educated about not only asexuality but various facets of sexual and romantic attraction. Since I've found AVEN, I've begun self-identifying not only as asexual but as a member of the larger queer community and I've been exploring different ways to explain the kind of attraction I do feel.

Many asexual people feel like they are the only one not interested in sex. But within the AVEN community, it's possible to ask questions and discuss a variety of topics with people who've had similar experiences. Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Very much. While I value diversity and am happy being myself, finding a community of other asexuals has reassured me that my lack of sexual attraction doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with me. I'm MUCH more confident than I was two years ago.

[daveb]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Yes, by giving me the words and the definitions to understand and describe myself and my feelings and experiences. I had never even heard the word "asexual" used in the context of human sexual orientation before finding AVEN. Since then I've learned more about different romantic orientations as well, along with a host of other concepts about humans.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

The knowledge of not being the only, along with the self-knowledge mentioned in my response to the first question, has given me more confidence in myself. That I can be myself, and know there a lots of amazing people here who feel similarly, is a great feeling. It has also given me hope that I don't necessarily have to be alone in real life either. Knowing there is such a large and diverse community like this gives me hope that there's a possibility of forming non-sexual relationships, even a romantic one. But even if the latter doesn't happen I feel more confident about being single and unattached.

[kamikaze]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Before I found AVEN I couldn't put a name to the difference between me and the people around me. This difference didn't make me feel alien, but it made me curious about sexuality as a whole, this forum and its people helped me learn about myself and how I could identify comfortably in a world obsessed with labels. I could embrace my sexual orientation as something real and find the documentation to explain it to other people with property. AVEN also has the diversity needed to prove this isn't a craze or something we're trying to make up and it's an open space to voice our questions and concerns, for sexuals and asexuals alike, and for people to share their opinion without fear of being bullied or put down.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

It's been helpful, but not because I felt alone. It's a miracle to be in contact with people who identifies as myself but it's so different and has diferent moral values and stands on sex, gender and romantic orientation. Learning about myself, who I am and who I'm not, through learning about them it's amazing. Nothing had opened my eyes so much before.

[Novalee]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

I stumbled upon AVEN in a quest to better understand my own orientation. I knew that my lack of sexual attraction was unusual, but I had no language to explain my feelings or experiences to compare with my own. AVEN provided a safe space for open dialogue with people, both sexual and asexual, as I questioned and explored my orientation. Additionally, learning about the spectrum of preferences within the asexual community increased my appreciation for the diversity of human sexuality.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

The knowledge of not being the only asexual been a reassurance for me personally but also provides credibility when I explain my orientation to other people.

[Elliott Ford]

Before I found AVEN, I didn't really know how to identify. My Mum was convinced I was a late bloomer because I was 19 and had only ever had one crush (which was really more of a squish now that I think about it).

I joined AVEN to try to better understand my partner Beardless and found myself also learning to understand myself. What has affected me most has been understanding that romantic/sexual/other orientations can be different and interact in unexpected ways. I am so grateful to those few demisexuals who were willing to talk to me and help me come to realise that my particular way of being (only being sexually attracted to female-identified people who I'm already in love with but being capable of falling in love with people of all genders) is a legitmate and beautiful way to be.

AVEN changed my views on asexuality only in so far as it showed me that there was much wider variety among asexuals than I had ever thought and has led me to the believe that there is actually similar diversity among other sexualities but that they don't have the vocabulary to describe it.

I actually have come to realise that i could be the only one with a sexuality like mine but that that's completely okay. My sexuality is beautiful and valid and a legitmate way to be, just how it is. What AVEN has done is give me the tools (read: words) to express my personal sexuality with intregity.

[Tetraploid]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Well, I had never heard of asexuality as an orientation before coming across AVEN. So it didn't so much 'impact' my views on asexuality as define them. As far as self-identification goes, having a word to describe my orientation has made a massive difference to my self-confidence regarding my sexuality: I no longer have to skirt around the subject when it comes up or nod feebly at people's suggestions that I'm a 'late bloomer'! Now I can face the issue head on, and tell people with conviction that I'm asexual, and yes, I'm happy with that. And if they're not, that's their problem and not mine.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Absolutely! We may all be unique, but it's always nice to not be TOO unique! No one wants to be the only person in the world who feels a certain way, whether it's something major like sexuality or even something trivial like your favourite song. Sharing views with other people is a positive thing in any circumstance.

[Hot_Air_Balloons]

So, think about the time before you came across AVEN and think about how things are now.

Before AVEN I thought I was a human freak because I was listening to society's messages. That something was wrong with me either mentally or physically. AVEN has helped me realize there are a lot of people out there like me, and I'm not a freak after all. I feel so much better about myself.

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Yes. I wasn't sure if I could truly qualified as an asexual because I wasn't a non-libidist. ( I found that site first years ago). Then with AVEN I discovered a lot of people that identify as asexual and also experience arousal. Whether they do anything with it or not they still don't experience sexual attraction. Then I still thought I was weird because I seemed to be the only one who DIDN'T like arousal. That's one thing that always bothered me about teh FAQ. It makes it sound like all asexuals who expeireince arousal likes it. This had me distressed. But then I found others posting that they disliked them too. Then I felt much better. One person who posted I think was on to something when they said it seems some don't get the "happy chemicals" from it. I still identify as asexual. I have never experienced sexual attraction. I'm not even sure what that would feel like...

One thing that still confuses me is AVEN's definition of lack of sexual attraction. I thought that was the same thing as lack of want of sex, but I guess not according to the definitions. I still struggle with the idea that someone who experiences so sexual attraction, but wants sex can still be called as asexual.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Definitely. One of the most helpful things in my life. It was a revelation.

[Carsonspire]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification? Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

AVEN cultivated my curiosity. I never identified with any sexual orientation; I was quite oblivious to the whole notion. As soon as I found AVEN's definition of asexual, I knew that that was a term I could use to describe my experience to other people, if I ever felt the need to make people understand. In some ways, finding AVEN helped me to find my own voice. The rest is history.

[Kotoko]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification?

Before finding AVEN, I had no words to describe my feelings (or lack thereof!). When friends asked me who I had a crush on, no one believed me when I said I didn't have one, and sometimes, I'd get pressured and bugged for so long that I just spat out any name to get them off my case. In more recent years, I've had various friends promise me to set me up with a single guy friend of theirs, even though I met the suggestion with apathy.

I first came across the word "asexual" (in the sexual orientation meaning of the word, not the more scientific version of it) on a forum I frequent. I Googled the term and found AVEN, and upon reading all about asexuality, I had an "Aha!" moment and thought, "This sounds a lot like me! I think I'm asexual!" Ever since, it's been nice to be able to put into words a part of my identity that I've been fumbling with for a while.

Additionally, AVEN has seriously broadened my awareness of all the different types of orientations (both of the sexual and romantic kinds) and that, even within the asexual community, there is a huge amount of variation between what we find positive and negative. It's also brought to light all the different views on biological sex and a more psychological gender, and how they may not be the same.

Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

Yes and no. Unlike a lot of people, I never felt "broken" or like a "weirdo" for not wanting sex or even a romantic relationship. I've known for a long time that every lifestyle is different and that a married life was not necessarily for me. However, for a long time as well, I figured that I might meet someone and I'd be a late bloomer.

When I came to AVEN and learned about asexuality, though, it just solidified my belief that the married life wasn't for me and to not give into pressure from others to "hook up" with someone else. It's also given me the confidence to move out and live all on my own in a different city, knowing that I'm naturally an independent, lone wolf kind of person. Also, when people ask why I live alone, don't have a boyfriend, etc., I'm perfectly fine saying, "I like it like this. I'm happy. I want to be alone."

[WünderBâhr]

Has finding AVEN and its resources impacted your view on asexuality? If so, in what ways? How has discovering AVEN affected your self-identification? Has the knowledge of not being the only one been helpful?

I was in a personal time of crisis when I came across the term asexuality. Having been in a relationship for 2 years and not really feel sexual attraction to my (sexual) partner, I was confused to say the least. I didn't feel normal and wondered what could explain how I was feeling in terms I could understand. Google happened and I found my way here. That was over 5 years ago. Now, I'm an AVEN moderator and I learn more about myself and others who share similar experiences every day. I'm a person who likes asking questions, so AVEN has helped me find a great deal of answers. I know what labels I'd like to use, if I felt the need to use them. I can describe to someone how I feel more thoroughly and share that I'm not the only one. And I don't feel alone in what I've experienced in the past and do at present. Someone else has been there, or can understand and give support when I feel alone amongst the other 99%. *hugs rest of AVEN*