Coming out questions

[The A Life Team]

Coming out can be hard and scary for some people. For asexuals, it can be harder because not many people have heard of asexuality. This episode of A Life, we talk about coming out, worst and best responses, personal experiences, and give some tips on how to come out of that closet.

Please do add your thoughts about the subject, but I urge you to listen to the show first. It will considerably clarify the poll and give tons of thought-provoking entertainment. You can find the show here:

http://alifepodcast.wordpress.com/

[Blerdivor]

I believe sexuality is a personal thing. I don't ask about, care about or speculate about others' and I expect (at least on the asking part) the same. It's not a secret, most people don't know, because I don't think it is important that I tell them about my sexuality; I'm not ashamed or trying to hide it; it's just that I don't believe it's necessary for me to tell everything about myself that isn't automatically known. If it comes up I won't dodge the subject or be embarrassed. For example, I had a conversation with some people about different forums that we frequented and I told them about AVEN.

[Pandoren]

I'm out on facebook and other forums to people I know online. I'm also out to my brother and my cousin, not my parents.

[kionx]

I'll come out to people that ask or express an interest in me, but I'm not really the sort to wander up to my friends and family and just blurt out private information they weren't even interested in and probably already worked out for themselves. I'm not a very 'stealth' asexual.

[Blerdivor]

I'll come out to people that ask or express an interest in me, but I'm not really the sort to wander up to my friends and family and just blurt out private information they weren't even interested in and probably already worked out for themselves. I'm not a very 'stealth' asexual.

yeah...you've explained how I feel better.

[KAGU143]

I honestly can't remember how I first told my friends about being asexual ... I mean, not counting the first time back in the 70s when I told some of my friends in person. That went over very badly, so I didn't seriously mention it again until early 2004 when I joined AVEN.

At that time, I think I used a combination of telephone and online communication. Maybe some of it was in person? There wasn't much point in trying to conceal it since I went on ABC's 20/20 show just a few months later.

Today, I don't go around telling everybody that I meet, "Hey, I don't wanna have sex - ever!" but if they ask I will tell them immediately.

Then they run away, and I laugh!! (jk)

-GB

[Georgia]

I've come out to my friends as asexual, it just makes conversation about the subject easier. I've not got a great relationship with my parents, and we rarely talk, so I don't really have a reason to tell them.

[Bad Patient]

I hate coming out like, "I have something important to tell you... I'm asexual". It's awkward and humiliating. I have no problem with others knowing I'm ace and many of my friends and some of my family are aware of it, but I prefer to do it in different, more subtle ways. I find it the easiest to let people know I'm ace without a big coming out speech on the internet. I post asexuality-related links on my Facebook and Twitter fairly often, so even if someone doesn't know how I identify, they can easily ask without any awkwardness.

I could go on about how the "big coming out speech" trope serves to oppress queer people, but I'll save that for a future angry blog post.

[TreacleSponge]

Right now nobody's ticket the "family only" option. That's interesting in a way, friends coming before family, but fits with what I know with gay friends I suppose.

[Amputation Defenestration]

I'm only out to a few select friends..yeah. That's enough for now.

[Dr_Holmes]

it's weird i never really thought about the idea of "coming out" as asexual until i found aven because it was never that big a deal for me. i just tell whoever i'm talking to about it if it's necessary to mention it when it comes up in conversation or whatever and they can just deal with that i say :)

[Kuro Tsuki]

I haven't told my mom yet. But she knows that I will never date a person since i'm not that kinda person.

But if I told i'm Asexual she will not have an idea whats that mean. But If I expland it she will understand it, and be find with it.

My sisters knows about it.... at least my 19 year old sister because I don't think my young sister will understand it.

The funny thing the 19 year old said to me many time that friends last long then having relationship with one of them.

I haven't put an info down on my profile on LJ or another website that i'm Asexual yet. Also if Told my online friend they will not care much since they are open.

I don't how coming out asexual is hard to people, I mean its normale. Being gay or bi is alot different at least to me.

[annwyl_cariad]

I’m neither out nor in, if that makes sense. I’ve never made a special effort to tell people about my asexuality, except for my two best friends and anyone who wanted to date me. If people ask, or if it comes up in conversation, I’ll be honest with them, and if people are stalking my Facebook profile and looking at my groups and pages, they’ll figure it out. But I don’t really come out to people because I think that in general, how I define my sexual orientation is no one else’s business.

This has led to the somewhat odd situation of not knowing who knows, unless it’s someone I’ve specifically talked to about it. I don’t think my parents know, although they have a pretty good idea of my stance on relationships. My brother probably knows. The random extended family members who have added me on Facebook might or might not know. But my close friends know, and that’s really all I care about.

[Admiral Kitteh]

I'm only out to my Mom and my boyfriend and a few friends. It'd be too hard to explain to my overly dogmatic religious father. One of my friends took a while to actually "believe" what I was saying, though she's not convinced even with all the information I gave her. She still thinks I need to get checked or that I might be sexual later on if I find "the right person". My boyfriend was very accepting and so was my Mom. They don't really care what I am, just as long as I'm happy.

[ily]

I hate coming out like, "I have something important to tell you... I'm asexual". It's awkward and humiliating. I have no problem with others knowing I'm ace and many of my friends and some of my family are aware of it, but I prefer to do it in different, more subtle ways. I find it the easiest to let people know I'm ace without a big coming out speech on the internet. I post asexuality-related links on my Facebook and Twitter fairly often, so even if someone doesn't know how I identify, they can easily ask without any awkwardness.

I could go on about how the "big coming out speech" trope serves to oppress queer people, but I'll save that for a future angry blog post.

I totally agree with this, and would love to read your angry blog post on the topic. :) When I first started coming out, I did "the talk" but abandoned it fairly quickly for more passive methods. I'm pretty sure that everyone I interact with on a regular basis knows I'm asexual now. Although with some people, I could not tell you how they know.

[Zora]

I've never come out.. I haven't been raised in an environment where coming out as anything feels necessary to me. If I turn out to be sexual in some way, whether I bring home a boy or a girl.. just won't.. even be discussed. It'll just be. And if anyone asked, I'd tell them, but otherwise.. I don't.. I just will never have the need to have a "coming out" experience. ESPECIALLY with asexuality, if that is what I continue to be, since.. gosh, I don't know, it's always been accepted that I Am Not Attracted To People (yet), so I'll just continue being so and it will continue being accepted.

I feel so casually about all forms of sexuality that I don't see them as issues. I don't understand when other people do- I hardly see them as something worth identifying as, the variation has always seemed so normal to me (but I think until other people feel the same way, identification is a way of helping people to understand and tolerate)- so if someone asks me what I am, I reply with "I'm not attracted to anyone", as I'd reply in that way if I were, for instance, gay "I'm attracted to girls"- do you see how that sounds less controversial? "Sexuality" is associated with politics, but attraction is not a word that tends to be. I don't answer that way on purpose, it's just an example of how much of a non-issue this stuff is for me.

[Samael]

I’m neither out nor in, if that makes sense. I’ve never made a special effort to tell people about my asexuality, except for my two best friends and anyone who wanted to date me. If people ask, or if it comes up in conversation, I’ll be honest with them, and if people are stalking my Facebook profile and looking at my groups and pages, they’ll figure it out. But I don’t really come out to people because I think that in general, how I define my sexual orientation is no one else’s business.

This has led to the somewhat odd situation of not knowing who knows, unless it’s someone I’ve specifically talked to about it. I don’t think my parents know, although they have a pretty good idea of my stance on relationships. My brother probably knows. The random extended family members who have added me on Facebook might or might not know. But my close friends know, and that’s really all I care about.

Few, if any, people really know I identify as asexual, I think. Many, if not most, people know that I've never felt an attraction towards other people.

Anyway, I like that avatar of yours, annwyl_cariad :) Makes me want to get a new pet for myself :D

[annwyl_cariad]

Anyway, I like that avatar of yours, annwyl_cariad :) Makes me want to get a new pet for myself :D

LOL, thanks. Random off-topic tangent but I do feel ethically obligated to point out that primates do NOT make good pets, haha. Not sure if you were considering getting a primate specifically but it's extremely difficult to keep them happy and healthy in a private home.

[Samael]

Anyway, I like that avatar of yours, annwyl_cariad :) Makes me want to get a new pet for myself :D

LOL, thanks. Random off-topic tangent but I do feel ethically obligated to point out that primates do NOT make good pets, haha. Not sure if you were considering getting a primate specifically but it's extremely difficult to keep them happy and healthy in a private home.

Hehe, I've had dogs of all sizes before. I haven't decided on the species of my next pet, though. There's a birdie in your avatar, so maybe a parrot or something? I've never had birds as pets before, only eaten some (chickens count as a bird, I think).

But no, I wasn't thinking about primates. I'm not even sure that the law around here would allow primate pets.

This is really off-topic now. Sorry OP :lol:

[annwyl_cariad]

Hehe, I've had dogs of all sizes before. I haven't decided on the species of my next pet, though. There's a birdie in your avatar, so maybe a parrot or something? I've never had birds as pets before, only eaten some (chickens count as a bird, I think).

But no, I wasn't thinking about primates. I'm not even sure that the law around here would allow primate pets.

This is really off-topic now. Sorry OP :lol:

Heh, yeah, birds make much better pets. Never had one myself but I've had friends who kept birds. :) (And yeah, sorry OP!)

[MadRat]

I voted for "only online people" - I mean AVEN by this.

I feel no need to tell it to anyone else. It´s noone´s bussiness. I would tell it only to a guy who would be interested in having a relationship with me.

[Moon Thief]

I've only told my mom and it was person to person.

[Taythe]

I tried to be out and open about it at first, but that went very badly, so now I only tell someone that is a very close friend that I've known for years, or whomever I am dating.

I wish it could be a non-issue for me, but people make me so upset when they say that I'm lying or scared or haven't found the right person or will just grow out of it. It became an issue, and to avoid that issue, I keep it very much to myself. This is the first online community that I have been open with.

[BaronTheCat]

This is a hard question to answer. I don't exactly "come out" as asexual to anybody. But I don't pretend to be interested in sex. So I guess I'm openly asexual without "coming out" as asexual.

[Sabel]

I'm not technically out at all, because I'm new to the concept of there actually being a word for asexuality. Did tell two of my good friends (online) though. Both already had asexual friends and were cool with the concept. C:

Buuuuut.... it's only technically because I've been making jokes about how I'm asexual (and that I reproduce by budding) as an excuse to why I don't want to have a significant other. The jokes were made before I learned that it's really called that, and I don't know if anyone took me seriously or not.

[PiF]

coming out..grrrr I so hate that phrase..i prefer being honest about who you are

telling people isn't the problem..sometimes it's our expectation that when we do..that they must understand it and accept it that very second we tell them

many who are unsure take time to find out what and how it affects us...we should give those we tell the same amount of time and consideration

[Astrobot]

I 've talked to only one of my friends about it. He took it well. He accepts it(why wouldn't he?) but doesn't care much. He's more worried about his own sexuality(he's bisexual). I'm just not very sure if he understood completely what asexuality is about but he seemed to understand my situation. He wasn't surprised to hear the news because I don't talk much about sex and generally avoid such discussions.

[Guest member25959]

I came out more or less Face to Face. I also semi-came out on FaceBook (I joined the group Asexuality, everyone saw the update)

[Member33070]

Hello!

I "out" myself usually person to person, but also did a Facebook note last year when it had been five years since I realized I was Ace. I gave myself a five year trial period before committing to the definition.

I am out to everyone I feel the need to tell. I don't out myself to random strangers or acquaintances, but if topics like relationships or sexuality come up I never hesitate to out myself.

[Missingpieces]

My friends kinda guessed and I confirmed.

I told my family simply because they had certain expectations I may not want to meet.

In general it doesn't go well when I tell people, family, some friends.

I don't need to say why it doesn't go well, it's all in the "You're not asexual because..." thread.

I'm sure it's something almost all of us are familiar with.

All that being said some people do surprise me with how open mined they are.