Asexuals and the church

[Mazzer]

Hi. I am new here and would welcome any stories about your experiences as asexuals in church life.

I have come to this site, through a journey that started with wanting equality for women in my church (a house church in the UK). I am a single woman, aged 51, and I have always thought of myself as 'liberated'. In many ways I think more like a man and have very few feminine traits (whatever those two statements mean) and so to be treated unlike the men in the church has been very annoying.

Also I am single in a family-orientated church and I have no desires sexually towards the opposite sex. It has been suggested (behind my back) that I am a lesbian, but I have no sexual desires in that direction either.

I would have thought that a-sexuals would be wonderful for churches - people not struggling to contain their sexual urges. Ideal with the children, ideal relating to all church members, male or female. Not having to bother with intimate relationships, perhaps not having to be concerned about their own families.

Perhaps the Catholic church had the best idea - celibate priests and nuns - lots of opportunities for service for both men and women. I get the impression that my church does not know what to do with me.

What are your experiences in this realm?

[Almagest]

Before I realized I was asexual, I mentioned to various church members that I didn't want to get married or have kids. I was young at the time, so they just said I'd change my mind when I grew up.

I haven't come out to my church as an asexual, but I did come out to my parents (my dad's a pastor). They weren't even surprised o.O They smiled and said, "Yeah, we always thought that about you." They see asexuality as the gift of singleness that Paul talks about. So that's what I'm going to say if other Christians object to my asexuality =)

[Bero]

I think it might depend more on the specific churches rather than the denominations themselves. The church I went to back home was a lot more liberal than the one I go to at school. At school, that church as a whole is very conservative and does not seem friendly to anyone who falls outside the realm of heteronormativity--which would include asexuality. They're big on chastity before marriage, but the big assumption is that it's a big struggle to stay celibate and that everyone has to want to be married and have kids someday, of course. I have no intention of coming out there, ever.

As for the Catholic Church (of which I am a member), although our clergy (excluding deacons) are expected to be celibate, the institution itself is still pretty heteronormative and not quite ace-friendly. For example, the Church doesn't believe in divorces, but one of the three reasons that allow for annulments of marriage is not being open to having kids in the marriage. I think the main idea is no abortion or contraceptives, etc., but the way the priest at my school's church explained it to me, he was sending a clear message that "just marrying to be together" without the intention to build a traditional family is somehow wrong. That irked me pretty good, because from the context and the way he said it, I took it as a not-so-subtle jab at non-traditional (heterosexual) and/or non-heteronormative relationships. He also elaborated by saying that marriages are not considered valid until they are consummated, or something to that effect.

You would think that asexuality would be looked upon somewhat highly in churches (cutting out a big temptation), but we go outside the norm, so... nope, I guess not.

Oh, also, welcome to AVEN.

[Oceania]

I haven't come out to my church as an asexual, but I did come out to my parents (my dad's a pastor). They weren't even surprised o.O They smiled and said, "Yeah, we always thought that about you." They see asexuality as the gift of singleness that Paul talks about. So that's what I'm going to say if other Christians object to my asexuality =)

Cool! I never heard of the gift of singleness, I'll have to look up where that is in the Bible. I'll be sure to use it from now on when coming out to my more conservative Christian friends.

As for me, I'm an atheist, so I can't be of much help here. I'm such an individualistic person that I fall outside of the norm in more ways than just my ace-ness. I usually avoid the uptight conservatives because they usually attempt to put me into a box.

And welcome, have .

[phantomwriter]

I would have thought that Christians would be perfectly alright with the idea of sexuality, after all, if you don't want and/or have sex outside the institution of marriage, you're not sinning, right? But from what I've heard of others, some Christians are closed off to the idea. As if being asexual is denying a human characteristic that God gave to us. Apparently being celibate is only valid if you're being tempted? I feel like that's the same as saying "well it's not really a big deal not to murder unless you're tempted to murder someone." Just because it comes naturally to refrain from doing a particular sin doesn't devalidify (I think I just made-up a word?) it. I do consider myself Christian, although I haven't been to church in some time and wouldn't come out to the church anyways. However, I see my asexuality as something God gave to me. I think Christians who say otherwise misunderstand something fundamental that Paul taught:

"Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," (1 Corinthians 7:1-9).

[Almagest]

"Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," (1 Corinthians 7:1-9).

Yeah, that does seem to lean more towards celibacy than asexuality, but I always saw the "gift of singleness" to be either a) you have incredible self-control or b) you're not tempted at all.

[aesthesia]

LoneWolfN8, the passage in question is 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul says that it is best to remain unmarried, but for those who cannot control themselves it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (edit: phantomwriter beat me to it.)

I have to agree with Bero in that the experience of a church is really dependent upon the specific church rather than a denomination. I grew up in a very liberal church, where we have gay and lesbian couples and where asexuality is not considered a problem. I've attended other churches while at university that were not quite so accepting of non-heteronormative perspectives. For me, the church experience really is about the specific community of people rather than the larger denominational structure because I see a lot of variation within denominations. For example, I went to an Assemblies of God (Pentecostal) church for a year that was the most open and accepting church I've been at, where I was comfortable with sharing my asexuality; but I just read an article this morning about a Pentecostal church performing exorcisms to rid people of "gay demons."

I have always been fascinated by the church's (as a whole) focus on heteronormitivity and marriage/family life, when the major early church figures (Jesus and Paul) were not married and did not have families, and even encouraged people to leave their families to follow Christ.

[asexual cake]

My dad is a (Methodist - I don't know if that's relevant or not)* theologian and when I told him that I was an agender aromantic asexual he said that I was "the most eschatological person [he] know," because (apparently) in some bodies of theological thought the second resurrection will bring about a new world order wherein many of the human distinctions - between kinds and intensities of love, as well as the dichotomy of sex/gender that most cultures accept and encourage - will be gone.

Otherwise, I don't really have any experience. A lot of the people in my church are either very liberal or very single (or both!), so I doubt they'd kick up a fuss, and most of them respect my assertion that I have no interest in dating, marriage, or etc.

*Actually, he's a professor at a Methodist seminary but our family attends an Anglican (Anglican!)** church, so I don't actually know where his allegiance falls.

**I like Anglicanism.

[phantomwriter]

"Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," (1 Corinthians 7:1-9).

Yeah, that does seem to lean more towards celibacy than asexuality, but I always saw the "gift of singleness" to be either a) you have incredible self-control or b) you're not tempted at all.

Well, yes. I didn't mean to suggest that Paul was referring to asexuality in any way. I was trying to say that it doesn't make sense for churches to condemn people who wish to remain single.

[Almagest]

"Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," (1 Corinthians 7:1-9).

Yeah, that does seem to lean more towards celibacy than asexuality, but I always saw the "gift of singleness" to be either a) you have incredible self-control or b) you're not tempted at all.

Well, yes. I didn't mean to suggest that Paul was referring to asexuality in any way. I was trying to say that it doesn't make sense for churches to condemn people who wish to remain single.

Ah, okay. =)

[thylacine]

I am Catholic & the ladies at my church are always trying to find a husband for me. They are praying for me, that God will find a man to "take care of me." They tell me often that they feel sorry for me, etc. Makes me wanna puke.

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Before I realized I was asexual, I mentioned to various church members that I didn't want to get married or have kids. I was young at the time, so they just said I'd change my mind when I grew up.

I haven't come out to my church as an asexual, but I did come out to my parents (my dad's a pastor). They weren't even surprised o.O They smiled and said, "Yeah, we always thought that about you." They see asexuality as the gift of singleness that Paul talks about. So that's what I'm going to say if other Christians object to my asexuality =)

Thats so sweet. You have wonderful parents. ^-^

[asexual cake]

I am Catholic & the ladies at my church are always trying to find a husband for me. They are praying for me, that God will find a man to "take care of me." They tell me often that they feel sorry for me, etc. Makes me wanna puke.

Ugh. Hopefully when the younger asexuals/aromantics here are your age, cultural tolerance will have increased enough to just let people be without having to impose their own lifestyle ideals on other people for whom they just do not apply.

[KAGU143]

The church that I used to attend would probably have been okay with asexuality, in theory, but it would have HAD to be combined with permanently living alone or with a same-sex roommate - ideally one with a vast age difference. (They failed to see any potential hypocrisy inherent in that plan, but ... oh well.)

Because, you see, marriage is all about having hetero-normative sex, and if you don't have that kind of sex then you aren't really married. However, living with someone of the opposite sex without being married, even if you sleep in separate rooms, is "the appearance of evil" and that cannot be tolerated at all. So, no sex = stay alone or live with a same-sex roommate.

I no longer attend church.

-GB

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

I am Catholic & the ladies at my church are always trying to find a husband for me. They are praying for me, that God will find a man to "take care of me." They tell me often that they feel sorry for me, etc. Makes me wanna puke.

Do they not know you're asexual? They'll assume you're in denial and convincing yourself your ok with being single when you're not if they don't know your asexual because it'd be natural for you to wanna hurry up and squeeze some out by what I can tell... >.< lol I always joked I was hunting for a husband in my 'church' (they call it a meeting or kingdom hall). Someone said to me that Jesus was technically an asexual. I liked that. =] I used to say to my mom there's nothing wrong with not having kids or wanting them etc as Jesus didn't bother with that. He also didn't have an opinion. The only sin regarding that was pinching someone else's wife or husband or just doing the dirty without bothering to honour them with marriage. Not caring to have a relationship is more honourable than jumping into one for the sake of it. So I doubt any learned person would seriously say asexuality is wrong unless they were trying to 'convince' you to be 'normal' out of compassion and in that way they're really trying to persuade you that sex is ok, or better than none, which was never in the bible.

Some say sex is a gift and we should use it but I think ability to make yourself sick is a great gift when needed (like for choking on food or something...) but if you don't like it its not good for you (psychologically at least and possibly physically and emotionally) to do it. I don't think god is going to 'force' you to have 'fun' like that. Its sadistic. And if god WERE like that, then the bible portrays him badly and people aren't really serving the god they love. So in any case. Asexuality can't be, by the known Christian god('s), be seen as bad at all. [i put an 's there because some people view other sects of Christianity as wrong therefore they're not serving the same god, not as if to say there are several Christian gods as a statement...]

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

Jehovahs wittnesses are pretty relaxed about such things. THey dont go on about it much but as for gay and bi people. Bis can amrry the opposite sex when they fidn someone fitting that they love. Dunno about trans people, they never mention them. Gender issues arent much of a problem as long as you marry 'only in the lord' and that simply means someone of the opposite sex in the same religion. Asexuality never matter, I mentioned it and they were agreeing with me that as long as my husband didnt mind there wasnt an issue and if he did mind it should have been mentioned before marriage and an argreement met really which makes sense. Gay people as my sister was told can live happy lives married to people of the other sex. I dont know what they do, i think they must be desperately loney. There are no forced marriages but it may have been emotionally forced which is sad. Divorce can be on any grounds really but the suggest on only severe grounds because 'what god yoked together let no one part'. Some battered women stay with their men for this reason but not beacuse they are told to, its how they interpret the scriptures. There are guidelines but people interpret smaller nitty-gritty things themselves. probably like most religions...

[thylacine]

No, the people at my church don't know I'm A. The church is in this town where the people are not too well educated. Most of them think global warming is a hoax. They love Glenn Beck and Rush. They all voted for Bush... they think Barrack is going to put Christians into camps... oh brother... !!!

[Guest Viinasu]

i'm an atheist... but i used to go to church when i was in high school.... i didn't tell anybody there about my real beliefs.... *evil laugh* XD

anyways, i'd had a couple people ask me why i didn't have a boyfriend, and then my evil brother blurted out that i'd never been attracted to anyone.... well, i didn't mind too much, easier than trying to come up with some stupid answer.... i just confirmed what he said, and no one ever had a problem with it.... it was a methodist church, in north carolina, they were pretty religious. i don't know how they felt about homosexuality, they never talked about it as far as i know....

i guess i could see why they would think you were gay or something if you never came out, but i would think that they'd be fine with asexuality... after all, like many of you said, jesus seemed pretty asexual.... O.o

[Lucinda]

Hi Mazzer, welcome :)

How are you treated differently than the men? Does this apply to all the female members?

It sounds like you want to be of service to the church, but they don't know what to do with you. Are you saying they treat you differently than the women also?

I would think a church or any organization would appreciate free help. Can you not tell them what projects you want to participate in as opposed to waiting for them to tell you?

Otherwise, perhaps you and this particular church are not a good match?

Lucinda

[Sally]

I think the type of congregation you belong to makes a big difference, especially the demographics. Big-city congregations tend to have more representation from single people; small-town congregations and conservative congregations tend to have more family-type members. I'm betting that the "family" business may be what you're feeling. Your church may simply not value women unless they're attached to a family. If you have any other congregations to test in your area, you might do so. There's no religious rule that you have to stay with one particular congregation all your life. You could even call other pastors and ask them frankly whether their church values contributions of single members, or simply visit them for services. You deserve a place of worship where you are valued.

[Hot_Air_Balloons]

I'm a Catholic, I was raised Catholic. I believe most of the Catholic teachings, and that works for me. I don't tell anyone I'm asexual. That's between me and God. I don't need the church to have to bless me. I really don't see why the Catholic church would have such a problem with it though. If they did I might try another parish, or just keep going away. I think churches tend to get too involved with this kind of stuff. Your orientation is not a sin, no matter what it is! Yeah I believe sex outside of marriage is a sin, but that's my particular belief. But in that case I would not be sinning anyway!

I think the important thing is to try and live your life for God and Jesus. That's what I try to do. Don't do things that you know are sins etc. I have read about near death experiences and the people that have made it to heaven always have a life review. However their orientation doesn't seem to matter!! Anyway I believe what Paul said in the Bible, that some people were chosen to be single. I personally consider it a give. I don't have all those burdens trying to get me to sin. Plus I get to live a more free life, without getting tied down.

I think God may have created people of non-straight orientations to experience what life is like to be different. Maybe that's their issue on earth they need to work out. -Just my take on it.

[Kalea]

My supposition is that churches that would have a problem with asexuality base their "problem" with it on the difficulty in saying asexuality is OK, but bi-sexuality and homo-sexuality are not OK. In other words, churches that are supportive of various types of sexuality shouldn't have a problem with asexuality, whereas churches that condemn anything other than hetero-sexuality would probably also condemn asexuality. Part of it comes down to consistency - if a church preaches/believes sexuality to be a choice, rather than part of who we are biologically, then we're choosing to be asexual (which isn't really asexuality at all, but rather an extreme suppression of sexuality, maybe?). I don't think it's the "asexual" part some churches have a problem with, but rather the biological, "non-choice" part of sexuality that is attached to saying "I'm asexual." If sexuality isn't a choice, churches would most likely have to reevaluate their stance of other-than-hetero-sexuality (assuming they care about logic, consistency, and all that jazz). As asexuals, we aren't saying "I'm choosing to be asexual" (as that would be celibacy), but rather "I biologically am asexual", which assumes sexuality isn't a choice. Anyway, I do think the church support/not thing comes down primarily to whether the church believes sexuality is a choice or a part of us biologically. Then again, I could be way off base, but coming from a background/family that views sexuality as a choice (and anything other than heterosexuality as essentially deviant), I think I can speak for at least some churches on the issue. Unfortunately, I think my family would be of the opinion that there's no such thing as asexuality (because it assumes a biological difference, rather than a difference in lifestyle choice), but only low sex drives/libidos (or I just haven't met the right person).

[Nico-Nico Friendo]

I'm atheist, but I used to be a Christian and go to church. People used to think I was "saving myself" for marriage, but I hated the idea of sex even IN marriage, though I didn't tell people that at the time. I just let them assume what they wanted to.

[Lucinda]

But I don't see why the OP's church has to know that she is asexual. If anything, I would think that they would assume that she has chosen celibacy. What is wrong with that? Or does that only seem possible for old guys who lived thousands of years ago?

Lucinda

[Sally]

But I don't see why the OP's church has to know that she is asexual. If anything, I would think that they would assume that she has chosen celibacy. What is wrong with that? Or does that only seem possible for old guys who lived thousands of years ago?

Lucinda

If the church (i.e., the pastor) believes that "family" is all-important, that means marriage and, generally, children. They probably won't be very welcoming to any single people, men or women, asexual or celibate. Family-type churches want kids to educate in their beliefs and grow up and spread those beliefs.

[PiF]

If the church (i.e., the pastor) believes that "family" is all-important, that means marriage and, generally, children. They probably won't be very welcoming to any single people, men or women, asexual or celibate. Family-type churches want kids to educate in their beliefs and grow up and spread those beliefs.

a larger market to indoctorinate if you will

some churches are okay with it though

as to global warming thy...it doesn't exist...climate change does..but it is the normal cycle of the planet...man is just speeding up the natural change

[Asterion Orestes]

thylacine:

Most of them think global warming is a hoax. They love Glenn Beck and Rush. They all voted for Bush...

Nice to see they don't have everything wrong. :D

[Decisive Pink]

I would think think asexuality would be one of the few cases where the church would actually be open-minded and tolerant.

Not a Quiver-full church, obviously, but most other churches.

[sindi]

I haven't directly come out as asexual to the people in my church... But when relationships & marriage are discussed, I've mentioned many times, that I don't want a romantic relationship at all (in fact, under very specific & rare circumstances - like meeting the perfect asexual match for me - I could want one, but I guess that'll never happen). Everyone seems to be completely fine with my intention of remaining single, I even get some encouraging comments like "that's good, then you can concentrate better on your spiritual life" (not that I'd actually concentrate on it that much I'm a "lazy Christian" :P ).

In my church there are actually remarkably many singles, probably (at least partly) because the teaching emphasizes the importance of being mature yourself, before getting into a relationship, and choosing your partner very carefully... a lot

[Epsilon]

well, I'm Mormon. Which pretty much means I'm expected to get married to another Mormon and have Mormon children. My parents know I'm asexual. My dad sort of ignores it and my mom advises me to, "not talk about it."

I think if people in my church knew, they would just think I am a lesbian.

In my religion, it is taught that you can't get into the highest degree of heaven without being married...so I'm not sure how asexuality would be viewed. Maybe some would think I should just do "my duty," get married, and have kids...I imagine it will get harder as I get older. There is quite a bit of pressure to get married fairly young. There are plenty of "singles wards" which are basically churches full of single adults that are looking for someone to marry.