[Niemand]

So the other day, for my friends birthday party we all drove down to the nearby amusment park (in the same car). They talked about how they couldn't wait to see the cute boys at the amusement park, and at one point one of my friends said "Oh! There's a cute boy in that car!" and all of my friends instantly turned their heads, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of the aforementioned boy. Another instance one friend said "I hope a hot boy says 'The blonde one is sexy.'" A second friend said "I hope they say 'The one with-out make-up is sexy'" and the third said "I hope they say 'The non-white one is sexy.'" (This was all said in a light-hearted tone.) I felt like saying "I hope they say 'The plain looking one isn't sexy but she looks like she could be an interesting and nice person!'"

Once we got to the park we were joined by another group of friends, this one containing male friends, and then everybody became very grabby. Everbody kept pinching each other's rears (mine excluded), mock molesting each other, walking with arms around each others waists and overall just being very touchy-feely. In the park my friends also continued their discussions of cute boys.

The whole time I just felt so seperated from them. It's like they were all so sexual. I honestly felt like I was a different orientation when they were talking about boys and the like, like I was closer to the guys' neutral opinions concerning attractive boys. I feel like I just don't care about any of this stuff. So this event made me more confident of my asexuality, I guess you could say. However, another event made me think I might not be asexual.

I had a dream in which I was sitting next to a guy I knew in real life and discussing history with him. I found the dream very enjoyable, not only because we were discussing history (one of my favorite subjects) but also because we were sitting close to each other due to space constraints and our legs were touching. So now I'm even more confused. My very sexual friends made me think, huh, maybe I'm asexual, but then the dream made me think I might be sexual; there have been times where I thought it might be nice to hug the guy who was in my dream. This desire to touch someone, is this the start of sexual attraction? I looked around the boards for answers but they seemed to contradict each other. On another point of view, maybe this urge to touch is purely theoratical, like when I daydreamed about kissing another guy but knew that in reality there is no way I'd want his lips near mine. Aaah, so what do you all think? Does this sound like the start of sexual attraction? And another thing I've been wondering, do the friends I described earlier sound overly sexual or are they actually the average? Sorry for the long rant, and thanks for listening.

[birdnerd]

Plenty of asexuals enjoy hugging, and even kissing. It's very individual. And interactions like the one you described? I would have felt really alienated in that situation too, so don't feel alone. I'm a very poor judge of other people's sexuality, so I'm afraid I can't rank them in relation to the "average."

[ghosts]

Different people have different preferences. For example, one of my sexual female friends can not cuddle with someone without feeling that it's sexual. However, take a look at one of my sexual male friends, and for him, it depends on the person/relationship, so cuddling is not necessarily sexual. That's what it's like for me too- I love touch. I enjoy cuddling, kissing, even being naked with someone, but I don't feel like it's sexual.

If it doesn't feel sexual to you, than it's not sexual for you. Some asexuals feel like some sorts of touch, for them, would be sexual. Others don't make that connection. So it's not like touch is inherently sexual, it just depends on the person.

[Omnes et Nihil]

A lot of asexuals feel romantic attraction, and a lot like some of the couply physical stuff (like being close to people, hugging, cuddling, some like kissing) etc. Some like being physically close and emotionally intimate in non-romantic ways, and some like intimacy in that "unclassified non-space" that makes a lot of people uncomfortable (but I don't think this is quite as common, though I could be wrong.) Some asexuals don't feel romantic attraction. Some feel it rarely. Some don't like any physical contact. And for some romantic feelings and physical contact are completely unrelated. And some asexuals (seems to be mostly asexuals married to sexuals) will have sex occasionally, but a lot of asexuals wouldn't be able to do that.

Pick any combination of any degree and you'll probably be able to find someone here like that who considers themself asexual.

I'm starting to feel like Dr. Seuss... some are red and some are blue and big and some are small, and some eat green eggs and ham.

I can't think of anything that EVERYONE here agrees about... maybe that we all need oxygen?

[Brodertun]

Quote

I can't think of anything that EVERYONE here agrees about... maybe that we all need oxygen?

No we had a debate about that once - with someone piping in that pure oxygen would kill you.


I suppose we could all agree that the majority of active posters have given or received cake on aven

[ghosts]

Omnes et Nihil said:

A lot of asexuals feel romantic attraction, and a lot like some of the couply physical stuff (like being close to people, hugging, cuddling, some like kissing) etc. Some like being physically close and emotionally intimate in non-romantic ways, and some like intimacy in that "unclassified non-space" that makes a lot of people uncomfortable (but I don't think this is quite as common, though I could be wrong.) Some asexuals don't feel romantic attraction. Some feel it rarely. Some don't like any physical contact. And for some romantic feelings and physical contact are completely unrelated. And some asexuals (seems to be mostly asexuals married to sexuals) will have sex occasionally, but a lot of asexuals wouldn't be able to do that.

And some don't identify as either romantic or aromantic.

[jaybird721]

Keep in mind that not all touch is sexual... if it were, I'd be pretty non-asexual.

[vulcan_pip]

It could just be that you're much more mature than your friends and just find the idea of being interested in someone for their personality more important than what they look like. Or perhaps you are asexual. Try not to pigeonhole yourself - just stay true to what you feel and never feel pressured to be anything else but who you are.

[Jean Grey]

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about dreams and what they mean. I wonder if you can say, "I dreamed this so this is what I want." On Wednesday, I dreamed about marrying Prince William (yea, I know :oops:). This is definitely not something I want. It would be really interesting to know where our dreams come from and what they say about us.
All I'm saying is, don't read too much into your dream, especially if by day you feel differently about things than in your dreams. If I took my every dream to mean something and spent a lot of time figuring out its meaning, I would go mad. Too many dreams, and many of them conflicting.

[Shortass Lady]

I think your thoughts when awake are probably a better indicator of sexuality than dreams are. If you're asexual when awake you probably are asexual.

Sexuality is something that really only makes sense in a social context. If only one person existed in the world then their sexuality wouldn't make any difference to anything. It's a phenomenon tied up with relations to other humans. Since socialization doesn't occur when you're asleep, it perhaps makes more sense to go by how you feel when awake, if you get what I'm saying.

I too have had enjoyable romantic, very occassional sexual dreams, but my feelings about these things when awake are never as strong. You, like me, may be sexual in your sleep but asexual most of the time. There's no rule that says you can't fluctuate!

[Busrider]

I, who define myself as asexual at the moment do enjoy hugging or holding hands with distant friends about whom I'm sure they wouldn't put the pressure of a relationship on me. I also have some romantic crush once in a while. I miss constructive discussions with folks of the oposite sex and among my wildest daydreams there is lying somewhere close to each other reading a comic book together giggleing or reading different real books and knowing we'll swap them when we are through.

I can't judge your friends' level of sexuality. to me they seem comparable to having had at least a pint of champaign each and having a good time. I can't remember comparable situations, but well, I'm male, so how am I suposed to understand a bunch of giggling ladys, their insider humor and similar? - I also com from a compareably cool, less warmhearted European society.

The only maybe helpful thing I can remember is, that teasing, pinching titillating might not always be sexual, although I believe it's somehow a step into that direction. The GF of a friend seems to have fun doing such stuff to me although she's faithful to her BF.

Everybody is different and being part of certain groups changes some people again.

[annie71]

i think the stuff in your post has been addressed fairly well by everyone before me, so i'm going to address the one thing that stuck out at me

you said you felt like saying i hope he says i think the plain looking one etc etc

i challenge you to prove to me that you are plain.
now, bear in mind, i'm a portrait photographer, a painter, a sculptor, i draw - i have seen alot of faces, i have seen and photographed literally hundreds and hundreds of faces -

my money is on you not being plain at all.

plain isn't bad, but - i dunno, it's just not ringing true somehow, and sometimes i think that asexuals don't always see and accept and admit to their own beauty.

you are innately beautiful - for God's sake, you are a female human, there is honestly nothing more beautiful on the earth!

i happen to be a hetero romantic asexual, and even i can say this with utter confidence, so .. just don't label yourself unless that is what you want to be, because you can become what you want - and if plain is it, then by all means

i am just saying.. empowerment of the self is a rockin' ride out of confusion about ourselves, i have found that to be true anyway.

[Placebo]

Omnes et Nihil said:

I can't think of anything that EVERYONE here agrees about... maybe that we all need oxygen?

Watch out, tomorrow you'll turn on the news and hear about some anaerobic amoebas.

vulcan-pip said:

It could just be that you're much more mature than your friends and just find the idea of being interested in someone for their personality more important than what they look like.

Funny, even though I consider myself fairly asexual, before I started using that word I'd sometimes say that I felt immature. Not because I acted immature, probably more the opposite as you're saying, but rather because relative to others I was not yet behaving in a socially mature way by being interested in dating. I guess I sorta associated it with some of the "late bloomer" stuff that people talk about, figuring that it was some switch that was going to flip.

qhosts said:

If it doesn't feel sexual to you, than it's not sexual for you. Some asexuals feel like some sorts of touch, for them, would be sexual. Others don't make that connection. So it's not like touch is inherently sexual, it just depends on the person.

I like that definition. It's just deciding what's sexual now that's the hard part. Lots of asexual type people seem to get fouled up on what that means to them personally. I know what it means in the abstract, sure, or what it means when other people engage in sexual behaviors. But where is that line?

In your dream, though, it didn't seem like you were really thinking about sexual thoughts with the guy (of course, I have limited to zero experience with such thoughts). Maybe think about what you were dream-thinking or enjoying in your dream. Was it talking about history? socializing with the guy? sitting close together?

It raises an interesting question, though. . . do most sexuals start thinking about the potential of having sex right off, or does it grow? I mean, I'd guess for a lot of people it would be a slowly developing feeling, but is the nugget or potential there all along?

[Niemand]

annie71 said:

you said you felt like saying i hope he says i think the plain looking one etc etc

i challenge you to prove to me that you are plain.
now, bear in mind, i'm a portrait photographer, a painter, a sculptor, i draw - i have seen alot of faces, i have seen and photographed literally hundreds and hundreds of faces -

my money is on you not being plain at all.

plain isn't bad, but - i dunno, it's just not ringing true somehow, and sometimes i think that asexuals don't always see and accept and admit to their own beauty.

you are innately beautiful - for God's sake, you are a female human, there is honestly nothing more beautiful on the earth!

i happen to be a hetero romantic asexual, and even i can say this with utter confidence, so .. just don't label yourself unless that is what you want to be, because you can become what you want - and if plain is it, then by all means

i am just saying.. empowerment of the self is a rockin' ride out of confusion about ourselves, i have found that to be true anyway.

I have a very odd relationship with how I view myself. If I look at myself in the mirror I might think to myself "I am beautiful" but my mind cannot comprehened that anybody else could possibly agree with me. I don't know what this makes my self-esteem exactly, but thank you for your post.

Placebo said:

In your dream, though, it didn't seem like you were really thinking about sexual thoughts with the guy (of course, I have limited to zero experience with such thoughts). Maybe think about what you were dream-thinking or enjoying in your dream. Was it talking about history? socializing with the guy? sitting close together?

It raises an interesting question, though. . . do most sexuals start thinking about the potential of having sex right off, or does it grow? I mean, I'd guess for a lot of people it would be a slowly developing feeling, but is the nugget or potential there all along?

That's what I've been wondering. After reading everybody's responses I realized that, in the dream, even though I enjoyed the amount of contact between us, I didn't want to touch him further. So I guess maybe my dream wasn't really all that sexual after all. However, in real life, sometimes I think about how nice it would be to hug him, and I guess I'm now wondering if this is the start of sexual desire.

[Busrider]

Quote

However, in real life, sometimes I think about how nice it would be to hug him, and I guess I'm now wondering if this is the start of sexual desire.

Sure it might be, but I'd sometimes like to have a guinea pig sitting on my lap and would consider this fairly similar to enjoying some female on the rear seat of a motorbike.

All this stuff might be beginning of a several feet broad borderline, but sexuality is behind that.

IMHO: There are only 2 questions worth thinking a lot about: Am I rather happy? What could I change to improve this? - I mean putting labels on yourself is just good for making the life of others dealing withyou easier. I fyou aren't sure about yourself leave some of the imaginable labels off or change them tomorrow.

[Placebo]

[quote="Moon Archer"][quote]
I have a very odd relationship with how I view myself. If I look at myself in the mirror I might think to myself "I am beautiful" but my mind cannot comprehened that anybody else could possibly agree with me. I don't know what this makes my self-esteem exactly, but thank you for your post.
[/quote]

I relate to that statement.

I look in the mirror and like how I look probably about 90% of the time. But I wouldn't consider that other people would think I'm attractive.

Anyway, my self-esteem's not tied into my appearance, so it doesn't matter to me either way. I don't have to look at myself, so it's not my problem, so to speak. :wink:

[helana12_02]

Moon Archer said:

I had a dream in which I was sitting next to a guy I knew in real life and discussing history with him. I found the dream very enjoyable, not only because we were discussing history (one of my favorite subjects) but also because we were sitting close to each other due to space constraints and our legs were touching. So now I'm even more confused. My very sexual friends made me think, huh, maybe I'm asexual, but then the dream made me think I might be sexual; there have been times where I thought it might be nice to hug the guy who was in my dream. This desire to touch someone, is this the start of sexual attraction? I looked around the boards for answers but they seemed to contradict each other. On another point of view, maybe this urge to touch is purely theoratical, like when I daydreamed about kissing another guy but knew that in reality there is no way I'd want his lips near mine. Aaah, so what do you all think? Does this sound like the start of sexual attraction? And another thing I've been wondering, do the friends I described earlier sound overly sexual or are they actually the average? Sorry for the long rant, and thanks for listening.

I had similar feelings and dreams, when I started becoming romantic(I am a romantic assexual), so this could be the start of sexual attraction.
The friends you described earlier sound a lot less sexual than some people I know, so I guess they are avarage.